progress

i can’t believe how much has changed. the other day i texted someone ab how a year ago things were super different (not worth going into detail, text jonathan if you care that much) and i wanted to expand on this idea of transformation a little bit because it’s been hitting me hard. a year ago i was just rlly sad and irritable all the time and i literally couldn’t be around people most of the time because i was so unhappy and stressed. i felt every goal as a new obstacle and pressure. i had no motivation or passion and i let my physical well being fall by the wayside. i felt ugly and unlovable and afraid. i could hardly get out of bed and i genuinely didn’t see any reason to. i could talk more about that, but i’m sure you get the picture as you’ve prolly been there too. this morning i woke up to green sticky notes that reminded me of my value. i had a hecka good protein smoothie thing. i straightened my hair and wore only a tiny bit of mascara. last night i took an 45 minute shower and texted my favorite people on the planet and went to sleep because i wanted to be awake and present by the morning. today at school i talked to tons of people and i say on desks and wrote song lyrics on my spanish notebook. i blasted the heathers soundtrack through my ears and i got work done because i want to. not because it was fun or i felt like it’d be convenient, but because i knew i had to and that was enough. i jumped rope and wore shorts without once degrading my looks or my physicality in any way. today wasn’t a perfect day by any standards. i was exhausted and ready to be home by the time school was over and i didn’t accomplish everything i could have. but when i think of how healthy and happy i am after a day that would’ve killed me last year, i am filled with insane bouts of joy. i am so free and clean and alive lately. life isn’t being any nicer to me, and although i am absolutely blessed with the best people on earth surrounding me, existing is hard. it’s a struggle and a fight and a continuous effort but y’all keep your head up and your eyes open because i promise you that you can handle this. i’m so incredibly h a p p y and h e a l t h y and i am genuinely happy to be alive and awake and active and present. i feel so human. i’m not so numb anymore and i feel capable and worthy of a life of contentment and overall this is the best motivation i can give. you just have to keep going. nothing will get better on its own, but it will get better. things are gonna be so okay. you are gonna be so okay. i am, you will be too.