P.A.i.N.

Don’t you ever want people to see your pain?

Like, really see how you put on your sunglasses on the bus and a tear drop drips

down your face…

You don’t rub it off right away because your cry for attention is desperate,

because you have to hide all your pain.

It’s because you only get so much time on your own to grieve, cry..

And sometimes it takes years for something to heal and you still have to go out and face all the people that surround you.

When you’re living in the moment.. like for real, I notice that’s when I don’t feel my pain or sorrow.

Talking in the moment with an intimate connection is so great.

But sitting on the bench on the side walk drinking my coffee, smoking a cigarette you bet your ass I'm mentally battling trying to flip the script.

Not revole my thoughts on all the people I have lost, decisions I’ve regretted or future ties that I have to make or else I will litterly fail flat on my face in life and have major consequences.

Life is hard.

And I don’t say that sentence ever. But why try to lie to ourselves and say

It’s all a mind set.

Because my thoughts/memories become intrusive. Random. Triggered by daily things..

And it’s only right to act stabilized in your behavior as if you can handle all of it.

If you break down and have an anxiety attack, or cry out loud people stare thinking all different judgments but that's not the scary part the scary part is actually giving in to the overwhelming flow of anxiety because you might actually crash and feel like you cant make it back to reality.

That’s where I get when I cant sleep, realize how alone I am, or have tons of pressing responsibilities that I don’t know if I can handle.

And odds are, one of those situations will always be there.

I only cry behind closed doors. It makes it more painful…

I wish I could cry in front of everybody.