Pain

Not knowing where to start i have started typing. I feel like there is a dagger in my heart and all i could do to ease the pain is to accept the pain. I cant pull the dagger out and it certainly doesn't seem like it will leave at it's own will anytime soon.

Earlier this week I experienced excruciating pain through causing pain. When you shatter someone's world, a part of you shatters as well; especially when it is some one you love and care about. I was made to feel selfish and evil for listening to myself and choosing my own life path instead of the one laid out for me.

And this weekend, I experienced deep pain once again. This time, the person I'm in love with tells me he is in love with someone else. He warned me that it is inevitable that he will connect with the person and that I should be expecting it. Feelings of insecurity and betrayal dominated my energy field and I broke down in front of him. My heart is still bleeding from the dagger that entered it when he uttered those words. What am I suppose to do now? wait for him till he fixes up his life with this other girl? hang around knowing that there is somewhere else he'd rather be? Just accept that i am not enough and he wants more and just live with it? what do i do? ghost him? block him? act like we never met? What does one do when the one they love tells them they love someone else?

I guess i got to keep moving!

i feel like a fool! i feel like an idiot for thinking and believing what we had was different and special. i thought we would last a little longer, longer than the one month period it took me to fall in love with his mind body and soul! And the one month it took him to realize I am not what he's looking for. I feel like a fool for believing, for surrendering just to be shattered and hopeless once again; for thinking the heaven he caused me was eternal and denying the possibility that hell will dawn upon me this soon. I feel like an idiot for deeply believing that love had entered my life, when he was only another lesson.

What do I do now? I release! Using this full moon energy i will focus on releasing the cords and attachments i have accumulated the past month when I thought i was creating a life with him. i will once again take my attention inwards and focus on loving and healing myself. My heart has been bleeding for too long, maybe i should focus on universal love instead of this possessive, monogamous version of delusional love. it's all a delusion. No one can ever be yours, and the only thing you can truly control is your own state and response.