Me

Day after day passes, some are good and some are bad. Most of the time it’s the latter. It’s kinda hard to tell where I’m headed these days. I tend to lose sight of my true North. The truth is I don’t even know when I lost my sense of direction. Was it when my parents would argue day in & day out at the age of 6? Or was it when people and family members alike ridiculed me about my weight from the age of 6 all the way through high school. Maybe it was the malicious thoughts of envy I had towards my teammates because I felt like I was an athlete inside of a fat kids body. My mind would flood with negativity and self hate. If I’m being transparent, I guess it still kinda does. Could it have been starting what I thought was going to be the rest of my life in the first real relationship I had ever been in? It was all warm and giddy the first time around. The sun was out and I could feel rays of light radiating on my life. That is, until one day it’s not so sunny anymore and the rays of light turn into a glacial breeze. That warmth on your skin turns into a frost bitten sensation that only brings pain at first, then eventually you feel nothing at all. It’s a surreal moment when you finally see your significant other for the promiscuous person they are. I learned first hand what people meant when they say “Love is Blind”. Sometimes I think it was the time when I decided I was ready to open up my heart again. First time in my life I stepped into a father figure role. Learned first hand how hard it is for all those single mothers out there. She and I spent more time and effort taking care of the boys then working on our own relationship. I thought that if I showed the genuine care I had for the boys then she would understand that she found a decent man. If you add this far fetched idea, a couple thousand dollars, and a trip to Vegas. What do you get? One shattered heart in an air port. I was so young and naive caring for another mans family and wiping the tears away with dollars. Fast forward and we get to the darkest part of my life. The moment I fell in love for the first time. Let me tell you, she took my damn breath away. Not figuratively but literally. Felt like my lungs collapsed and I was having a panic attack. You would think that I’d have better adjectives to describe this moment. Maybe something more romantic or subtle. I once heard Ellie Chu say “Love is messy and horrible and selfish and bold.” That pretty much sums it up. We spent the better part of a year and a half together. Learning more and more what makes us stand out. The good and bad. The ugly and beauty. Understanding how we love another but also unraveling the mystery of how to love ourselves. That was the beginning of our demise. Days past and the pond that was constantly riddled with wounding ripples finally came to an abrupt stagnation. I could finally see her for who she actually was. A woman that was no where near ready for a future. She was still fascinated by her past. I quickly became a haunted tale for someone else. I have this tendency of giving more than I should. Even to the ones who are most undeserving. We as human beings tend to love one another so hard that we forget to love ourselves. Knowing what I know now maybe things could have been different? Or maybe this is how it was always meant to play out. Like there’s some infinite being up above that has your whole life planned out for you. All I’ve ever known is the unknown. Nothing is ever permanent, people, places, and things constantly evolving. Forces you to adapt to your surroundings. One thing is for certain. For every woman and friend I’ve known. I loved with everything I was and I gave everything I had.