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ЛСД – с чего начать и как закончить.
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Попробовал ЛСД. Цель : заглянуть в собственный ум, посмотреть на свои паттерны глючные реакции , проработать некоторые. До события тщательно готовился:. Отобрал ситтеров. Парня и девушку Гроф писал, так в идеале должно быть, в одном предложении - на отыгрывание мужской и женской роли ,. Хавал мкг. Дальше, на одной из композиций началось создание и разрушение абстрактных миров, и были они какие-то, без смысла, мерзкие, и, казалось, это всегда было и никогда не закончится. И было очень жутко. При этом ребята говорили, что я просто лежал под одеялом, будто спал, только крутился часто. Поменял музыку на Metallica - St anger. И это было жутко. И это просто разрывало, типа я очкую, ничего не выйдет, если я не выпрыгну из окна. Такой самонакрут. Там же страх безумия. Типа, я же схожу с ума. Короче невероятный когнитивный диссонанс. Потом ребята смотрят, что все равно катарсиса не происходит и решили проявить проактивность, начав меня спрашивать по темам, которые я написал, что хочу проработать. И мне показалось, что вопросы, которые они задают - просто в точку, просто гениальная психотерапия, и я даже не поверил, что это они, а подумал, что придумываю сам себе вопросы и задаю через эти образы ситтеров. Короче - хорошо так настучали по главному паттерну - осознал его глубже, хоть и не разрешил:. Понял, что страх отвергнутости порождает зависимость от оценки других людей - стыд. И статусный, сексуальный или любой другой - просто более или менее сильные надстройки над главным паттерном, который меня очень тормозит. Отвечал, на вопросы, правда, не достаточно вслушиваясь в ощущения, а из знакомых концепций психологии Фрейдизма, гештальт-терапии… , которые первыми приходили, что не есть гуд. Стоило больше фокусироваться, но понимал, что от меня требуют ответ. И Гроф писал, что частое задрачивание вопросами делает переживание поверхностным. После трипа куча идей, мыслей, разрушенных концепций. Осознание того, что я вообще ничего не знаю об этом мире, о том, кто я есть и ответы могу искать только через собственный опыт. После трипа ослабились некоторые паттерны - немного меньше велся походу, и ведусь на некоторые иррационалые эмоции. В общем - состояние очень внушаемое, амплитуда эмоций намного больше. Деталей по всем системам восприятия намного больше. Не скажу, что тупил в этом состоянии. Тупил как-то иначе. Действие вещества сохранялось некоторое время после трипа. И в это время, когда общался с людьми - разговаривал как-то неосознанно, но умно: типа, разговариваю о чем-то, уверенно держу нить рассуждений, но не осознаю этого. Осознаю как-то с задержкой. И даже контраргументы бросаю четко, но все это на фоне. Типа, подал на вход вопрос, пообщался, получил выводы. Как после ксенонового наркоза. Ага - и видос записал. И непосредственно после сеанса было реально стремно в плане пережитых состояний. Но на след день сегодня оно уже немного забылось, как детский кошмар. Очень интересно с грамотным трансовиком такое провести, но нету таковых поблизости. Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal. Your IP address will be recorded. Log in No account? Create an account. Remember me. Facebook Twitter Google. Previous Share Flag Next. Короче - хорошо так настучали по главному паттерну - осознал его глубже, хоть и не разрешил: Понял, что страх отвергнутости порождает зависимость от оценки других людей - стыд. Tags: brainfuck , lsd. Post a new comment Error Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal. We will log you in after post We will log you in after post We will log you in after post We will log you in after post We will log you in after post Anonymously. Post a new comment. Preview comment. Post a new comment 0 comments.
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The day seemed all too perfect for anything to mess up, despite the fact that during this time in my life, I had a myriad of personal issues and insecurities that could lead to bad experiences. Around P. Dave was also in the car. The LSD was dropped onto sugar cubes. I walked into his house and saw a couple of my friends there. We briefly conversed and smoked a bowl of top-quality CBD-rich Sativa marijuana an anti-psychotic chemical is in marijuana that reduces anxiety for a few minutes as a 'way to ease me into my trip'. I pulled a whopping seven sugar cubes out of the freezer and shoved them in my mouth, then licked a bunch of sugar crumbles off the foil which came from the edges of the 15 sugar cubes I had in my stash. This was a total of around micrograms. My friends were a bit shocked I was willing to go that far, but they already were aware of my tendency to consume large quantities of psychedelic drugs. I talked with them for another 10 minutes or so, then I went back to the car. On my way to the car, I noticed I was starting to feel increasingly disoriented. I felt slightly anxious, but I assumed the negative feelings would pass as soon as the acid took full effect. A couple minutes after I got in the car, Dave ate two sugar cubes, and Kelly ate one. The experience was about to get very, very ugly. You might suddenly find yourself sitting on a building in Egypt three thousand years ago, watching boats on the Nile. Ten minutes into the car ride and twenty minutes after eating the sugar cubes, I was rapidly losing all touch with reality. I started wondering what the fuck was going on around me, and why I was feeling so uncomfortable. I started telling my friends I was really scared, and the intense anxiety was gripping every single fiber of my body. I thought I was going die and that this trip was going to last until the end of eternity. By the minute, I was starting to panic more. This was only the beginning of an unimaginable nightmare that would show me the 'dark' side of LSD and completely change my opinion about the drug in general. By that time, I was stumbling all over the place, and I was already having severe visual distortion. All movements were followed by strobing trails composed of detailed patterns, kaleidoscopes, and rainbows. These visuals that I would have usually considered beautiful were now viewed as a reminder that I was in the middle of a trip that I so desperately wanted to end. When I got inside his house, I saw a few more of my friends sitting on the couch. My body temperature had elevated to the point I thought I was burning alive. I was completely out of my body and almost felt like I was on a high dose of ketamine. Their faces were assuming demonic forms. I was already starting to experience ego loss. I was going in and out of consciousness. This is the point where I lost track of time, so there is no point of trying to estimate anything JAC followed me to his room and did his best to comfort me and talk me out of my bad trip. It was a completely ineffective attempt. A couple minutes later, I started crying hysterically. Everything was getting darker. The floor was covered in spiraling kaleidoscopes that were rapidly shifting colors. I heard thousands of voices call me names like 'pussy' and 'bitch'. The room reeked of sewage and feces. This was the most negative emotion a human being could ever fathom. I so desperately wanted to stop the trip, but I was immobilized and unable to move. I realized that the voices were of all of the people I resented in my life the most. Cartoon blood was all over the ceiling and the walls. My vision seemed to stretch off into infinity. I could see many different events of my life playing out as if it was waking reality. Try and imagine being inside of a Saw movie first hand, but a thousand times more horrifying and traumatic. There was a moment in which my mind would shoot out of my body two feet in front of me and then return into my body, and this looped over and over again for what felt like FOREVER at an impossible speed. Not hours, not days, but an infinite amount of time. I kept hearing this bizarre futuristic noise that sounded like a computer glitching. The whole room was flashing as if something was flicking the on switch for a lamp up and down repeatedly. I had full-blown synaethsia. Everything was one, everything was infinitely interconnected. I would look at the walls and become the walls. I would look at the floor and then become the floor, looking back at my body in a dissociative fashion. I was unable to differentiate any part of the outside world from my own physical body. The concept of 'I' was now a mere construct of my mind, and 'I' was nothing more than a complex bundle of atoms and molecules. Somehow, just a little while after this part of the trip, I regained some degree of consciousness. I stumbled to his backyard, where a group of 8 or so people were sitting and I was watching the sky and everything in my external environment turning black and red. I could barely see anything, my vision was almost completely shot. I forget that I even had a body at this point and I had absolutely no control over my muscular movements. I was in this 'survival mode' where my mind was on autopilot and and I had no idea that I was on drugs. I lost balance and fell backward onto the ground. I continued to see more incredible vortexes of matrix- style numbers and letters spurt out from every direction. I responded with ' A. That was quite enough of a response to prove I was completely and utterly going nuts and there was no real way to help me. I began to literally have no idea who I was, where I was, or what drug I was on or what drugs were in the first place. I knew that I was going to die and nothing could be done to stop it. At some point at the beginning of the peak, I realized that I could not recognize the room I was in. Suddenly, I started seeing several cop cars pull into the room and put their sirens on. Yellow caution tape magically appeared around them as well. This was one of my worst nightmares coming to life before my very eyes. There was a line of already-arrested criminals in handcuffs next to the cop cars, and they were all complaining that I had snitched on them for some unspecified reason. I knew I was in for absolute hell. Before I could see what was going to happen next, everything started fading to white. I could see nothing but burning white light, like I was looking directly at the sun from feet away. What I saw was The answer to every question. The reason reality is the way that it is. I existed within the past, present, and future simultaneously. I dissolved into infinity. I was existing in an infinite number of dimensions, living an infinite number of lives simultaneously for an infinite amount time. Though my memory of this is hazy, I believe I re-lived every event of my entire life during the peak. I could fit our entire universe into a period at the end of a sentence. Time was a point of nothingness. I was everything, yet I was nothing. I was in pure ecstasy. I felt the unconditional love of the universe penetrating every pore of my body. If only this could have lasted forever. I suppose this was a taste of the beautiful part of ego death, but my stay in this ineffable place was cut short when I was suddenly catapulted into hyperspace, where I experienced every ounce of pain any human being could ever possibly experience at one time. The love rapidly shifted to evil in its purest definition. I saw many miserable people I had seen throughout my life, including the homeless and starving. I was dropped out of hyperspace directly into a hallucinatory prison facility. I saw hundreds of pitbulls, white supremacists, and naked black men running around. It was a state of sheer pandemonium. I have never been so unbelievably horrified in my entire life. I was now sure that this is where I would die. I was taken to the showers where I was bitten repeatedly by pitbulls and raped by the white supremacists and black men simultaneously. I was sobbing hysterically screaming for it stop. It was physical and emotional torture beyond your wildest dreams. I felt every single sensation, including their penises in my anus and the razor-sharp teeth of the vicious dogs. Puddles of blood were all over the room. My joints were still in severe pain from the physical torture I had just experienced. I looked at the clock, and it read P. Minutes after I came back to earth, I realized that the purpose for human existence was to love. Love is our higher purpose. I now understood that the ego I had developed my entire life was an illusion all along. Our egos push us away from our ability to feel compassion towards others. As your ego fades away, you slowly dissolve into pure unadulterated LOVE. The illusion of separation created by our egos has been the root cause of suffering all across our planet, and sadly this is the reason the majority of the world kills each other for absurd purposes like religion and resources. Religions like Christianity hide behind the idea that there is an afterlife because they are afraid of death. Our ego is composed of our thoughts. When we stop relying on our ego, we cannot experience negative emotions. When we stop thinking, our ego ceases to exist, and then we can live a life of pure love, peace, and prosperity. The more we rely on our ego, the more we push ourselves away from the moment which is all. Nothing outside the moment we are in right now will ever exist. Yesterday never is, and tomorrow will never be. Time is infinite. The past, present, and future are all occurring simultaneously. We are merely observers. Free will is an illusion. This was by far the most profound experience of my entire life. I quickly forgot all of these things within 15 minutes of the peak ending. The Next Day. The next day was easily the worst day of my life excluding the trip. I felt so self-conscious about myself that suicide was all I could think about. I was thoroughly convinced that I had ruined my life permanently. During ego death, I became aware of the severity of my many mental disorders. I realized that throughout my entire life, I had been looked down upon as the 'special kid'. I had not been aware of this until that moment. I felt like the most inferior form of life on the face of the earth. After I got home I burst into tears. I even thought my family felt sorry for me and had pitied me my whole life because they thought I was a moron. I had a psychotic break for weeks afterward. This was easily the most traumatic thing I have ever gone through in my entire life and has left a lasting mark on me that I carry to this day. Over time this trip has had a profound impact on all areas of my life, in both positive and negative ways. Positive : I have very close friends now and rather than the 'special kid', many people now view me as a very insightful and intelligent person. Before this experience, I had very, very few friends. I now know what true friendship is. I meet new people all the time. I suspect I used to have a mild form of autism and this trip literally eradicated it. I have fully developed social skills. I truly believe LSD is able to cure mental disorders and the scientific community needs to conduct research on this. I act normally now. I view everyone I meet as a part of my own consciousness, which lets me act much more empathetically. Negative : Several months ago, I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. I suspect I was already pre-disposed to this condition and the trip brought it out. I still have mental flashbacks nearly every day and have been scarred by experience. I frequently have nightmares about this trip. My thoughts can be very scattered and clouded at times. Our society disgusts me. I think that the human race is a joke. I am going say one thing: DO NOT take a high dose of acid unless you have a proper set and setting or it can turn into the worst nightmare of your entire life. Heed my warning. In fact, after this experience I firmly believe it is the most powerful drug known to the human race. What could possibly go wrong? The Next Day The next day was easily the worst day of my life excluding the trip. Newer Older.
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