Lessons

June 28th 2020 is when it all began. That was the day we first connected and the day I realized we were so good together. That was the day that showed me that I can open up again, I can trust again and I can love again.

We sat together and made music. We harmonized, synced and elevated together. I saw myself reflected in his eyes and his soul hummed the tunes that my soul dances to. He looked deep into my eyes and I looked back, it didn't occur to me not to, it felt right, I felt at ease. All the promises I made to myself about giving people space and time to show me their real self was purged out of my memory. He felt right mentally, physically and intuitively.

I opened up to him like I've never did before. He made my wounds feel beautiful and he played with my demons with love and understanding. I felt naked, vulnerable and yet empowered.

I spent most of my free days with him, talked to him with every opportunity I got and he did the same. He told me he loved me and I said I loved him too, for I loved him like I've never loved anyone before. He was the puzzle I was missing but I didn't even know was missing. He came into my world and fit right in.

He became my mirror. He revealed me to me clearly. As he became the light that shadowed my demons, traumas began to resurface. He held me tight, helping me make peace with my darkness through his loving embrace and wise words.

We were creating a friendship and relationship that was powerful enough to heal us and even the world, I saw a potential in our union that was beyond the mundane. I saw our potential to create and give something profound to the world. For the first time in a long time, I was sure. My self doubt that existed due to past failed relationships was fading, and I was once again living in hope and in faith, believing, trusting and deeply knowing that THIS was it. He and I are soul mates, and we have been for an eternity.

We were having a wonderful time together. We laughed so much, talked for hours and made magical love. He stimulated my mind, body and spirit, and all I wanted was to spend all my time with him.

I was thinking of ways to merge our lives together, arranging ways i could be closer to him every day and night, when he told me "darling I love you BUT I love her more, you are great but I don't believe we have a future together, today I love you, but I know soon I'm going to be harmonizing with her"

I've never been stabbed in my heart physically, but I have no doubt that the pain I felt when he uttered those words are not any less painful. I broke down and wept in-front of him like a wounded child. I felt like an idiot, like a blind fool who thought she would heal the world with a union that only lasted a month and left her shattered.

I am still shattered! My reality has turned upside down and the ache in my heart doesn't seem to be healing. I've been dealing with my past relationships with the mantra "it's a lesson". Now all i can think is, "NOT ANOTHER FUCKING LESSON". What am I not fucking seeing here and how many times do I have to be stabbed in my already broken heart to learn a fucking lesson? How many more tears do I need to cry and how many more times do i have to put the pieces back together, especially when the pieces are already so fucking shattered?

I read somewhere that God doesn't make us go through anything that he thinks we can't handle, that every trial and tribulation is there to make us stronger and wiser. And so it is up to me to figure out what the lesson is here and what blessings are disguised beyond the blood ridden dagger in my heart.

For now though, thinking and philosophizing are out the window and all that's left to do is to FEEL. To feel the pain deeply, to completely immerse myself in my feelings and to surrender to the reality of my present moment, which is a heavy heart that wants to feel light, an aching soul that seeks to be free.

May the divine father and mother be with me!