Krusty's Hairdo #8932

That's awesome that you've started a few books man. Never say never, one of those beginnings could sprout into something even more intriguing in your mind and you won't be able to stop yourself from continuing with it. Though I imagine another idea will spring up at some point which could be the one that eventually becomes the marvelous first work of Dylan Kemal haha. I haven't ever actually begun a book as such but I have done some fairly extensive writings on ideas for books, it's certainly not easy to translate those grandiose mental blueprints into an actualised creation but that's all a part of the challenge and why it's such a beautiful art form to begin with. I'd love to be able to earn a living from writing too; MMA journalism would be a beautiful career path for me, seeing as I'm quite obsessed with that sport but I often find myself at a loss for where to start. What would you like to write about? Anything to do with your opinions or observations in a non-fictional way or do you see yourself as a potential writer of fiction mostly?

Hahaha, that's hilarious. A pretty cunning plan. The mind is expecting to be rewarded by an actual skin to skin lustjob but instead you just relieve yourself and start the build up again. I can definitely see how that would work. I can't bring myself to pay for sex again though honestly so I don't think it would work for me. I think I would rather become a monk in a Tibetan mountaintop monastery than put myself through something that made me feel like that again. I'm not saying it's intrinsically bad because I don't think it is but it's just against a lot of the values that I instilled within my moral compass growing up. It felt like a self-betrayal honestly. The desire to do it was more of a resentful retaliation for what my ex did, than an actual congruent yearning and so I blinded myself until the disgust set in afterwards. I've been using meditation to understand why porn evokes such desperate cravings, mixed with an increase in productive, healthy habits elsewhere, like diet, exercise, reading instead of playing video games etc. That seems to be helping a lot because I'm no longer feeding the monkey within who's constantly craving instant gratification. The transient satisfaction from those unhealthy habits is being sacrificed for a long-term sense of well-being and structure which is infinitely more stable and beneficial. I'm obviously not following the path perfectly and last night I definitely asked for some private pictures from the girl I'm seeing but if I can switch from an uncontrolled thirst to see every single girl naked to a limit of one then I'm still vastly improving.

I agree with you on how easy it is for a beautiful, young girl to fall into that social media, model/"influencer" lifestyle. It's a cliche that when you are beautiful, you end up not really developing a personality because you are given special access in most places and can manipulate people to get what you want, and to some extent there is quite a lot of truth in that. It's not an inevitability that all beautiful people will become airheads but it certainly seems as if they are at greater risk. The social media world is capitalising on that understanding just as the porn and model markets have been for years but in a less selective way than those worlds. Now anyone can be a model, especially with the editing techniques that people can apply to their photos. It's not only capitalising on that "airhead" nature but it's amplifying it too. Girls growing up today can have the idea implanted in their minds from the age of 10 and below that they want to make their money by selling their looks as soon as it's legal and often, even before. That's got to be significantly distorting their personalities and ambitions. I worry more about the children of today than the adolescents already lost in the game. In regards to what you said about those girls that you knew who ghosted and unfollowed, I definitely see it as disrespectful and it follows on from what I was just saying. They are viewing their realities through the lens of how to improve their image as they're in competition, whether that be through cutting ties or by any other means. They don't see those follower counts as a group of people anymore, they see them as numbers to increase their social credit. They don't see those DMs as a human connection, they see them as potential business transactions. That kind of culture is definitely permeating throughout the world but there are still people who are trying to live on a more grounded level and reclaim some of that integrity. I'm just trying to find more of those humans at this point of my life rather than get involved in any of those augmented realities more than I have to. It's another case of "who the fuck needs 'em" when it comes to the flocks of people so absorbed in those hollow realms.

I hear you brother. If you feel as if you've found what you needed to in that situation with your Mum then it's all good. I understand what you mean when you say you were clued up from early about your feelings towards your Mum. I had similar feelings about some of my family when I was around that age too but to be fair, although we might have some intuitions at that point, I feel like mostly we're engaged in a significant amount of mimicry of the people we respect and idolise. I was always really disrespectful towards my grandmother on my Mum's side, especially when she wasn't around. I had that kind of feeling that she was a bit too harsh at times and didn't really understand the world from a young person's perspective. However I would say things like "Oh, she's a bitch.", "Hopefully she'll fall down the stairs." etc. Things that weren't really in proportion to the reality or at least weren't really informed opinions, which is understandable because at that age we often don't really have a fucking scooby about the world or about people. I mean, I'm still in that phase and I'm 25, haha. Usually the things I was saying and thinking about her were a kind of imitation of what my Dad would say. I was often just trying to make my Dad laugh and feel that he and I could bond over something. Thinking back, my Nan wasn't so bad and there were a lot of complexities that I missed that could have explained some of the reasoning behind how she was. The fact that she was born at the end of the First World War and lived through the second, went through a lot of hardships and experienced a totally different world to what I was growing up in. I'm not saying your intuitions were wrong when you were young because how can I? I don't know anything about that situation but there's always the possibility that there was an influence that might have taken you away from an actual analysis of who your Mum is, and what in her past has made her be the way she is. I have a lot of accumulated anger towards my Mum and often I want to write her off as a bitch or someone who is maleficent in some way, but that's usually because my emotions are shielding my understanding of who she is as a person and what she has gone through as a human being. My Mum has made mistakes as a parent for sure, some that will stay with me forever but at the end of the day, our parents are humans, just like us. Going through this strange world trying to do the best they can. Dealing with a lot of the same things that we do but in the ways that they have learnt to cope based on what they have experienced. They might not have done everything we would have wanted but fuck man, being a parent must be a crazy thing. I hope that we'll both be great fathers one day but that responsibility is unquestionably fucking insane. I don't really know where I'm going with this because I'm actually not trying to convince you of anything in particular. I think I'm just giving you a possible alternative way of thinking about that situation that might be helpful. Probably because I've felt the same ways about my Mum and feel like I benefited from approaching it from different angles. You're the one who knows and if what I said is irrelevant then ignore it, haha but I think it's good that you still leave the possibility of talking to her about the book one day.Yeah man, that's such a horrible feeling as a kid when you try to stop your parents from arguing but you just get torn down like you were a part of it from the beginning. If they could watch themselves at that moment in a calm frame of mind I imagine they'd be overcome with shame, or at least I would hope so. Definitely palm-esan-Reggiano

loool, that story is mad. Your Dad was on some lone wolf vigilante shit. Sounds to me like he did what he had to do to protect his fam. The thing is, women always go off on men for shit like that but when they're in trouble and a geezer like that can step in and save them they're all over it. Maybe your Mum was just scared that he might have got himself hurt or in trouble with the police. Either way, Mums need to chill the fuck out sometimes.

I think I'm similar man, I struggle to find the balance between being too open with a girl and being too closed. Generally I start being super vulnerable and over time, as they show themselves to be less trustful than I first assumed I end up getting stuck in a closed position and get a bit cold and harsh. That usually ends up closing me in my life generally too because then I feel like I'll never find anyone to trust and I become cynical. I'm hoping that in the future I'll be able to stay more in tune with myself and not allow it to sting too much to the point of recoiling in all other aspects of my life. I want to be able to be okay with the fact that it didn't work out and move forward. The less we try to find a person to trust, the less chance we have of finding one ultimately.

Your relationship with weed is definitely a conundrum. Sounds a lot like how I was with it before I stopped smoking. I know what you mean when you say that you can sometimes have a day of productivity and other days not and it doesn't seem like weed is the variable, that's interesting. In my opinion, I would say that you should at least try going a full month at some point without smoking and just see what that does for you. That way, you don't have to give it up with the intention of never smoking again but you can use that month break as an opportunity to observe how it affects you. You'll save some money on bud, your tolerance will drop and you'll be able to tell if it makes a different for your life. It definitely seems like you're having obsessive thoughts about it and I would say at that point there is a bit of a problem going on. Doesn't mean it's the sole reason why you're not fully on point but it's a pretty great way to hide from the other reasons and stay drifting in that state of ambiguity. If you can abstain for a month I think a lot of valuable lessons would come from it. Even if it only teaches you that it isn't a problem, it's worth doing.

That is a pretty incredible opportunity to save, especially while living in London. I don't think it's a bad idea at all to go back to that job but it's all about doing what you feel is right man. You can do what you feel you should do but if you don't feel that it's contributing to a meaningful path forward I can 100% understand why you would be considering other things. I've been casually thinking about going to a few months long meditation retreat at some point so that's where I am when it comes to being serious about a responsible role in society, haha. I'm definitely not the guy that can give you the greatest insight on that subject. There is one idea I've had about starting a company which is to create a podcast network which essentially amounts to renting a room somewhere where there's a lot of people who want to talk, do it out to look like a chill space, buy some decent recording equipment, get some design artists to make logos for each of the podcasts that uses the service and to make websites etc. Edit and upload, handle the sponsors who pay for advertising on the podcasts, then you just keep trying to attract new people to do podcasts and build the clientele. The service would be a kind of podcast production company rather than just renting the space out. Again though, I just don't know where to start. I feel like the idea has potential and could be a fun way to make money but how to get it going is the tough part for me.

Honestly mate, you're definitely being too harsh on yourself. Walking to the gym and back and doing a decent session while you're there is fucking great in comparison to just sitting around doing nothing. You're taking all the right steps to improve man. You're recognising some of your pitfalls and trying to do something about them and that's commendable. I've been working out just 30 minutes every other day and I'm happy with it because otherwise I'd be doing nothing. As my fitness increases, I'll increase the difficulty but for now, even a short session is great progress. You just need to work on the dialogue you're having with yourself man. That positive realisation you had on the journey home is how you should see it. Progress is progress son. Have you started meditating daily yet? I honestly can't recommend it enough man. If you can just set that short amount of time aside each day to observe your mind and how it functions, you really start to improve that relationship with who you are. At first I was struggling a bit with just 10 minutes but today I meditated for 50 minutes. I'm still nowhere near any kind of breakthrough but it has without doubt made some very positive changes to the way I think.

Oh yeah, by the way, I watched Free Solo a little while ago. That was an interesting doc for sure. Really inspiring when it comes to finding something you love and pushing yourself to the limits even through the dangers because of how much passion runs through the blood. It was also fascinating to see how his amygdala processes fear differently to the average person, his brain has literally changed it's structure to facilitate his ambitions. Or maybe he was always genetically predisposed to do something like that. Probably a bit of both but either wayI hope I can find my version of El Capitan one day.