Intro

i am an ex heroin addict and alcoholic. I’ve been sober for almost 6 years. I have been miserable majority of my life including sobriety. I stay sober so that i am not a burden on my family. If it was up to me, i would just be shooting heroin and drinking to oblivion. I have done everything they told me to do. I worked a 12 step program and tried to build a connection with “god” and higher powers and basically anything out there. They keep saying “it gets better” but it doesn’t and I’m at the point that i don’t give a fuck to try anymore. I feel like I’m stuck in limbo or purgatory. Sometimes i feel like I’ve already died in another life and this is really hell. Im scared of dying because i don’t know what happens after. I don’t get high because it’s convenient for everyone else around me. I have felt like I’ve been cursed my entire life. Before i ever picked up a substance i was mentally ill. I just used substances because it’s the only thing that shuts my mind off even if it’s just temporary. I overdosed and almost died. I think living through that was worse than dying. Now i get to live with permanent brain damage and the ever lasting memory of how it feels to be so close to death. I was overdosed for over 24 hours before they found me and narcanned me. It was just black. That’s why i think when we die, it’s just black. That’s why i haven’t killed myself yet. Im terrified to see what’s on the other side. I don’t want to be here anymore. No where feels like home. Like i own a home but even that doesn’t feel like home. Everything feels temporary. I have always felt that i wassnt meant to be on this earth for a very long time. It’s been 30 years now. I’ve seen enough