I have bad memory

Someone who hears how far I have progressed educationally would think I am a genius or that I love books. Nothing could be further from the truth. I hate studying. Mostly because I have a bad memory. I cannot retain a lot of things in my mind. I don’t remember things I read last week and here I am working on my PhD. I feel like a read fraud.

The only memories I have are bad. Being bullied, being abused by my dad, hurtful things my wife says. Random internet comments that hurt me

I wish to be a better student. I think it's possible but I d not know how. I start reading and get bored immediately. Even writing this is a struggle. I am oscillating between the internet and another journal topic. I cannot keep focus. Maybe it's the ADHD. Maybe drugs are the short term answer. But I am afraid of getting even dumber. I cannot take that risk. If I am any slower I would have to be watered twice a day.

I fantasize about being smart. About how I would be an expert in a field and give off intelligent well thought out answers to complex topics in an instance. I would be on TV or in magazine. I would be important.

Right now studying for my PhD feels like torture. Every time I see an email from my supervisor I want to kill myself, because it is probably some dissatisfaction. I do not open the email for days and that gives me anxiety. I read that 50% of students want to commit suicide. Well, I am in two universities so that applies double for me.

I feel like I want to quit. My folks wouldn’t like that. My mom has a PhD and she did it in worse conditions than I am doing. Granted, it took her 8 years but still. My wife is not for that either, she says she has sacrificed so much for me it would be incredibly wrong for me not to finish it. So I would rather die.

Several things have kept me from killing myself. One, I do not have a gun. I fantasize that I would die by a gun. A bullet thro the temple. Second is the anxiety, I am afraid that if I choose a different method, I may not die, just get disabled and make my life harder. 

So I post pone my death to sometime later. I was thinking on my 40th birthday, I do not see myself past 40. But things have been increasingly difficult so I am thinking some time when I am 35. Not on my birthday tho, some other day, cannot decide when. I want the date to have a meaning. I do not know why. If I won't have a gun by then, I am sure I will come up with something painless. Carbon monoxide poisoning doesn’t seem like a bad way to go.