I.
Hello.
If you stumbled upon this journal of mine, the water carried my rotting body into nowhere. The maggots probably had fun dining my body, or the crows took pleasure plucking my poor eyesight. So benighted was I; I cannot recall anything before other than begging God to hear my sorrows, and I had forgotten how raw my knees and sore my bed were until my end.
My dear, should I tell you my remaining hours?
My hunger was the first sense to flat, as was my hanging hope. I no longer craved his love nor the need to be fed by his blood. My voice followed as brittle as the first ice in autumn, and my eyes, as strained and narrow as the hinges in an old iron gate. I have not seen a bright light, for God knows I will still not abstain.
My hearing and touch, as I lay unconscious, still preserved until my final end. The aching sound of silence, despite the dance of pines, made me cry that we do not know abandonment in its best form.
It felt like a girlhood— wanting to be believed and lived.
My touch that used to bear true love, on the contrary, felt strange since Earth left some warmth despite the gaping hole in my chest. Perhaps I am a new in-between, where I cannot settle between the dead and the living. Has God wanted me to devote my dying hours to him?
- How vain is he?
- And how damned must I be?
I no longer pray for anything, but God still holds my name between his teeth. This is a secret between us. God is a nightmare whose purpose is to instill primal and oppressive horrors within us.
And those horrors— oh!
They will evoke you with glamour and virtue while seething lust and longings. You get too close, and your subconscious will tell you it’s your fate.
Has God not told you about me?
Absolutely, why would he tell his other children about this place? This is his famine, where his favorite lamb died due to his wrongdoings.
I know. I know.
I know that you are too young to understand this, my dear. However, I am certain that as long as God has me in his teeth, he will love you, but he will not be enough to save you.
So please keep a piece of me in your heart.
For God and his favorite lamb, lives hand-in-hand.