This is an in depth explanation as to what i meant to day as well as what i intended on talking about.

today i mentioned how i was uncomfortable about something and you did not understand what i meant and your interpretation of what i said made you upset. what i meant was this, everyday you look yourself, pretty as i call you and as i find you, but every now and then you go the extra mile to be what i would like to describe as a fuller version of yourself if that makes sense? when you go out say for example with a friend, or maybe on a trip with your family somewhere, or to the main and key location -college.. you tend to do little things like sort your hair out, wear something nice, wash your face and the such, little things, i homed in on the hair because when you are home, you don't really do that often. see i like when you do, i like when it looked somewhat done it completes you you understand? and when you go to college as what i perceive as your "complete" self i feel as though you only do that for other people, and not for me, i feel a great deal of discomfort in seeing that you only as i phrased "make an effort" for other people because as your partner its natural to want to look nice to some degree you know, without going all out but just being the full version of you. as i write this im allowing mild vulnerability because it truly does make me feel down, the thought you doing that for other people whilst i sit to the side only seeing that sometimes, whilst thats all they see. you may say you do not do it for people but lilly you must understand, subconsciously it makes you feel more comfortable presenting yourself nicely for people, and of course at home you dont feel the need to do it because you are already comfortable but it does not mean you do not still do it for people. it breaks my heart, seeing you go through the process every morning because of how little of a thing it is, the hair, see i love you for many things, your beauty is one of them and i dont get to see the full beauty when you leave your hair to be a mess, why dont they get to see the mess? i feel like the stranger or classmate and that they are the boyfriend that get the beautiful girl when it should be the other way around.. and im not saying that you should stop making an effort for college, but why not around me too? it just.. it hurts, and i refrain from using that word because i understand that it is heavy, but that is the truth, and i do well with supressing and replacing emotion but naturally it manifests into rage, and when you misinterpret what i mean by something it just pushes that anger even further, in my mind i wish you could just feel the way i feel and agree, i feel as though im a failure because of the fact i can never get you to see how i see things, whilst girls like your friend in class and you can talk for ages in agreement and harmony. it seems i am the wrong person for you at times because of this, but i digress. the solution is not to simply just start doing it, your hair at home, but rather that as well as helping me understand WHY you make the effort for other people, recognizing that that is what you do, is it that maybe subconsciously you are seeking the appreciation i might fail to give from other people? i dont know but without an answer my mind jumps to conclusions, the simple act of being presentable for a group of people mean whilst the person you presumably love you dont, naturally will make a man feel like there is somebody elses eyes that you desire. i am a very paranoid person you know this, i will likely go insane one day because of it like men such as bobby fisher realistically, and i tend to be right about my predictions, no matter how sad they are, so if that day does come, i want to atleast know what it is like to have the peace of mind to be truly fully calm, i feel i will get that from a solid answer from you, to understand the behaviour from your perspective. another thing today, i understand that it is hot, but the tank top, that was the other subject i wished to discuss but i was worried would become an argument. your tank top revealed your cleavage, a lot, when you stood and when you sat ESPECIALLY, this is actually the reason for why i left, it made me really nauseous, the anxiety i felt was overwhelming because of the fact i know men (and women) will look, they will look and fantasize and lust, and it disgusts me that they have the chance to, your tits were essentially half out and maybe i am old school i dont know but i felt as though it was inappropriate for college, knowing the people you are around  i mean one of them looked up your skirt a few years back.. you dont think he would look into your chest at your cleavage? and forget him what about all the other perverts, i just really wished you just wore a tshirt or something you know its too late now of course whats happened has happened you could stop though, and that would help ease my anxiety. see understand that its not about you doing something, its about people doing or thinking something towards YOU, they move when you walk, theyre 75% out when you sit, they come together when you write i mean you must know that those men and boys out there will be looking and attracted to some degree, having them out like that just gives off the impression that you are single you know? because of the openness you have, maybe its just me, maybe you need a guy who would not care about such things, who will let you wear makeup and go to college however you like, please tell me if thats what you need because i just dont know lilly, the things you do, things like that all of it has psychological impacts on me, sometimes i question whether its just paranoia or if its justified i cant tell at times but i feel as though my reasons for concern make sense.. look im sorry i lashed out i am, i will continue to communicate as i was earlier though because it seems like a safe route to go down, i will probably stop but this deep depression will remain if nothing changes, please, communicate to me something in response to my worries, so that i understand. is there something i dont know that i need to know? anyway, in conclusion really, i just want you to learn to find comfort in looking nice for me, as i do my beard in the cases of coming on camera, the hair thing would just be nice, it really makes me wish i was one of the guys in your class when you do that for them and not for me you know?.. but yes, do that, at least try.. being honest here, i worry you wont try for very long and i will go back to feeling this way, and this leads to me lashing out, itd just be somewhat of a solution, but as i was saying, try do that, and refrain from having your cleavage out in college, its not just about men looking, the lesbians of this world, the bisexual women of this world, hell even straights and gays might look, it just really hurts me, its a low level of promiscuity that i have dealt with in the past before you, and i never mention my past but it just is not right i feel.. i hope this message finds you well, and please dont feel a need to reply anything lengthy back, just a detailed answer to some of my questions, and possibly a solution. 

Love, Reagan V.