Hi

Hi.

Assume that I'm stupid and have no social skills but open to change and improvement.

I'm 20M and I sit in front of a computer a lot. I'm in my 3rd year of university. I have a problem creating and maintaining relationships of any kind. It's kind of hard to explain but I'll try. I feel like everyone but me has friends. I kind of have friends but it's a bit difficult to call them friends.

I'll go through people that I think might be my friends.

My cousin Alice lives in the same city as me and she is also studying at a university. We know each other since forever and had some of the best time together when we were kids. We used to hang out about once per month when she first moved to the city. But the last time we went out to hang out together was like 9 months ago. We practically stopped talking. I think the reason for this is because when we hang out she can feel that I have no friends or can't make them or that I don't hang out with anyone else besides her which is very embarassing.

Almost the same applies to my other cousin Becky except that she does not live in the same city as me and that we talk a little bit more than usual lately (like once per 2 months [yeah, that's not a lot I know but when we do the conversations are long; the bit about long conversations applies to Alice too btw])

Another friend is Caroline. We know each other since kindergarden. In school we had our small group of 3-4 people of which I was the only male but then I knew for sure I could call them my friends because they always invited me to hang out and do stuff. Then school ended and Caroline ended up the only one in the same city as me. We went out together like once per 2 months when we first moved to the city. The last time we hanged out together was more than a year ago and we practically don't talk anymore. I'm not too sure why.

I have 2 friends that I made in university. This is where it gets a little bit interesting.

I started to think of David as a friend when we discovered that we had similar dreams/aspirations and learned about each other. We kinda just started sitting and talking in class together sometimes.

Evan and I somehow started talking and sitting together, laughing and acting friendly in class. He's probably the 'friendest' friend that I currently have.

Me, David and Evan sometimes wait around for each other and go to a place to eat after university. The first time that happened I was like "woah is this for real? this feels amazing". The reason why I'm not sure I can call them friends is because we don't hang out beyond university. It feels like we're friends only in university (aside from the going out to eat after university sometimes part). We talk only in university environment. I feel like I can't ask them to hang out beyond university. I'm not too sure why, it just feels like either of them will say no. Maybe because I think that they probably have a 'healthy' friend count and/or probably think of me as an inconsequential small university friend and/or have real friends that they usually go out with. And most importantly, what exactly would I ask them to do anyway? How in the world would 2 or 3 guys even hang out? I have no idea. I have little experience having male friends.

Also I've never had a girlfriend. I used brush it off and deal with it for the last 5 years of my life but now it's starting to get to me. It is getting to me. It's very hard to brush it off as nothing. Just the thought of having someone to share things or hold hands with makes me have goosebumps. Whenever I see a beautiful girl outside my stomach seems to materialize a million butterflies in a heartbeat. And I just know that I can't do shit to make her my friend let alone a girlfriend. About 1.5 years ago I actually started making an effort to look after myself, started dressing well and even thought that I looked good sometimes. I tried talking to like 5 girls online and the conversation just dies. It just dies. Sooner or later. I never did anything beyond that.

I almost always go to a fast food restaurant after university and it feels like 90%+ of all the people there have their friends or their SO with them. And then there's me. Eating alone. It just makes me sad. I go out for a walk in the city about twice per month. By myself because I have no one to go out with. Everyone seems to have a friend. I'm alone. When I see someone who are also by themselves I wish I could talk to them but then I think "who the fuck does that? that's creepy". Like, do people actually make friends in the street? I have no idea but seems very unlikely. If they do, they must have sold their souls to the devil or something.

I have no idea how people manage to get past the awkward acquaintance stage. I have no idea how people make friends that they can just casually ask to hang out with. I have no idea how people get their SO. How do I proceed in life? I just want some affection dammit. The whole people thing is difficult, yo.