Family

How do we feel loved? How do we know that we’re not just emotionally attached to each other, but that we like each other. We want to be together.

The Bollywood Star and I have made and are continuously making an active choice to be together. We are two adults who consciously decided to build a home.

Z. was placed with us by chance, she ended up with us because of a strain of extremely sad circumstances. Yes, it was her choice to move in with us, but frankly, she had no choice at all.

I think about this often and at length. I really want it to be good for her with us. I cannot forcibly make us likable, but I want her to develop and emotional attachment to us, to feel at home with us.

I am worried whether I don’t show enough interest in her life or whether the way I am asking personal questions is respectful. And am I asking about important stuff or am I missing something?

For me, from the moment she appeared in our lives, it has been an active process. I want our house to be her safe-space, a place where she will come to to hide, if necessary. A place to which she wants to return if there is a storm outside.

I want our family and our common home, to be a place from which she is not afraid to leave to conquer the big world, but at the same time, if the world turns out to be too mach - our home, we will be a harbor where it is safe. 

Later, she will build her own harbor. But even then, our home will remain an extra, a spare dock of safety.

There is no test that you can take to see how well you’re accomplishing this type of task. Even if I ask Z. a direct question, her answer (even an honest one) might not reflect the reality.

But when in the evening, after we’re done with work, and she has returned from a day spent with friends. When everyone has their nose in their phone, resting after a busy day. When at those evenings, she chooses to come to the living room and silently sit there with us - for me this is a sign that right now we are safety.

Right now, she is making an active choice to be with us. Not a forced one but a free one.

She's soon turning 17, she has her own interesting life, her own universe, friends, her own Netflix account, with her own “Continue Watching” list. But often she chooses not to close the door, not to be in her room, but to be with us, even if we are not doing anything interesting.

These evenings, in which we just sit silently in the same room and maybe occasionally exchange a couple of words or show each other a new funny meme. These evenings are one of the most precious things in life.

Because when a person in choosing to be silent with you, it means that you are safety.