Drop
sedulous-subFollow
Nov 26, 2020
Drop
Specifically subdrop as that's how I identify but could equally apply to domdrop and more specifically when it comes to long distance. I think it's even more important to discuss this with the current happenings in the world as many relationships have been faced with unexpected distance due to travel restrictions and distancing rules and have had to delve into new ways to feel that connection in their relationship.
Now I've never experienced true, real life subdrop so I can't comment on how it effects me. I'm in a long distance relationship and it's both my first d/s relationship and first foray into kinky stuffs. I understand all the brain chemical science behind it and I know that it's likely not entirely possible to reach that kind of intensity in general when playing with a distanced partner (I won't say that it can't happen as I am sure some people maybe get there). But that doesn't mean that you still can't drop. Aftercare is still just as important and it's essential after any kind of play.
The brain is still going to that weird little place and you are still going to get massive rushes of those happy chemicals and when it all finishes and those chemicals go away you can still feel a little lost.
This is going to be so person dependent as everyone has different reactions and everyone is going to incorporate different aspects into their dynamic, but personally I always get some degree of low mood a little afterwards. Once the amazing floaty feeling (even giggling sometimes) and the super calm sleepy feeling wears off and I become more like a coherent human and less like a needy little slut, I start to think back to the bits and pieces. How I reacted and what I said. Did I do enough, did I please them, did they get enough out of it, what must they think of me that I did those things and acted that way. It all builds and my mood drops and I can feel a bit lost and this can carry on right into and through the next day. And although I am never, ever alone, they are always there afterwards, it's still not quite the same when all you need is to feel them and see them and look at their face to see if you made them happy. And I'm sure they feel the same.
So what can we do to minimise the effects of this low mood?
- Never start any sort of play if you know that you won't both be around at the end to deal with the after effects. It's not ideal if at the end of play the dom has to rush off and be out of contact for a while or the sub has to go straight out to work for example.
- It's a learning curve and you may not react the same way every time but communicate to your partner how it's made you feel in the past and what has and hasn't helped ease the feelings.
- Make sure you have things at hand for afterwards that make you feel safe and happy. Snacks, a drink, a warm blanket, a favourite stuffie to cuddle, some music, a favourite TV show or movie, an activity to keep your brain busy or you may just want to take a nap. Whatever you need is not too much.
- Communicate and check in on each other. You need to be honest with how you are both feeling. This is the time when both sides are going to want heaps of assurance and praise and to know that everybody is okay.
- Give it time and revisit. Straight after any play or scene isn't always the best time to discuss how things happened. It's sometimes best to wait until the day after, when all those fuzzy feelings have dissipated a little and heads are a little clearer. Then if needed you can go over what was good and what not so good. If there is something you want to try next time or something you're good with not ever trying again. And what you can both do next time to make things better for you both.
I'd love to hear other people's opinions and how they deal with this in their relationship. I see the question about dealing with subdrop come up quite often in asks so I think it could be of help and I don't think the subject of domdrop gets near enough mention so would be great to hear a doms perspective.
#ss stuff#d/s stuff#Drop#Subdrop#Domdrop#communication#Relationship#ldr relationship#Long distance
189 notes
sedulous-subFollow
Nov 28, 2020
I don't need a dom that can swoop in and fix everything.
I need somebody that can help me learn to fix things for myself.
I need somebody that will guide me to find the best way through.
I need somebody that will be proud of me when I make it or pick me up, dust me off and kick my butt back into gear when I don't.
I'm not a princess trapped in a tower needing saved. I can get out of the tower just fine on my own, I just need somebody there who knows me, and needs just as much to make it less treacherous.
I need somebody that when I say "I got this" they will tell me "We, got this".
And that's why I need my dom so much because they are all of these things and so much more.
#ss stuff#d/s stuff#relationship stuff
200 notes
sedulous-subFollow
Dec 2, 2020
If you only follow your rules when you feel like it, then you don't understand the concept of submission or power exchange and perhaps you need to research whether d/s is for you.
#ss stuff#d/s stuff#relationship stuff#power exchange#tpe#submissive#trust and submission
98 notes
sedulous-subFollow
Dec 3, 2020
Dominants. If you are going to accept a person's submission, you need to be prepared for all that this entails. Yes life can get in the way. There will be ups and downs and there will be some days where one of you will be stronger than the other. But basic human needs such as communication and support should not be optional. Even more so in a d/s dynamic.
You have told this other human that you will be their rock. You will be there to lead and guide and support them. It's totally unacceptable to then disappear off the face of the planet when times get rough or you are not feeling it that day.
Tell them you are busy but thinking of them.
Tell them that your anxiety is up and you may be less conversational but still contactable.
Tell them that you're going to be out of contact for a few hours but set a time to re-establish communication.
Set boundaries, communicate your needs and your level of activity for that day, let them know what you can realistically give.
Please don't leave their messages unanswered. Please don't tell them that they are bothering you or that you don't have time for them. Please don't tell them that they can't message you.
You are just as human and susceptible to the same ups and downs as everyone else but that doesn't give you free reign to be an asshat. All you are doing is teaching your submissive that they can't trust or rely on you.
And to all you submissives out there, yes, everybody's relationship is different and levels of communication vary massively. But please don't accept this kind of behaviour. A dominant making you feel bad or too much for the basics such as keeping in touch throughout the day is a big flappy red flag. If they don't have the capacity to message "good morning" and "good night" then they don't have the capacity to be a dominant. You deserve more.
It takes 30 seconds to send a text saying "I'm swamped with meetings today. I'm thinking of you and we will make time for us when I finish work".
Your submissive will always be your biggest support. You need to be ready to give the same amount of effort in return.
#ss stuff#d/s stuff#communication
154 notes
sedulous-subFollow
Dec 3, 2020
Your submissive is your safe place every bit as much as you are theirs. Don't be afraid to show that you need them. Don't be afraid to show that vulnerable side. Don't rob us of our opportunity to be there for you like you are for us. We got you.
#ss stuff#d/s stuff#Two way thing#Submissive strength
146 notes
sedulous-subFollow
Dec 4, 2020
We see so many stories and posts about bad doms, and whilst I agree that a bad dom can cause more harm due to the inherent power exchange in the relationship, there are just as many bad subs out there.
So here's a shout out to, all the amazing doms who step up every day and take their responsibility seriously.
Thank you for all that you do.
#ss stuff#d/s stuff#Healthy relationships#I'm going to try and write a thing about subs when I have more brain capacity
74 notes
sedulous-subarcofallthingsFollow
Dec 14, 2020
Follow
Nov 21, 2020
Anonymous asked:
In your experience, should a Dominant be providing daily check ups with a sub even if they do not live together? I know the answer seems obvious, but perhaps a rehash of the subject could be done, or at least point to where you’ve discussed this before.
Of course they should. If there is one factor that trumps every other in any D/s relationship -- in any relationship, really -- it is presence.
Follow
Dec 14, 2020
Daily should be the absolute bare minimum, in my opinion.
The thing that a lot of us as subs crave is consistency, reliability, effort and structure. We need to know that we can go to our dom with anything and that they will always be there. We need to know that they want this as much as we do. Yes there will be times when communication may be lessened but if you are going to call yourself a dom and accept somebodies submission then you should be ready for more than a casual check in once or twice a week, irregardless of whether you live together. This isn't just d/s stuff, I'd expect more communication than that in any relationship.
Obviously the level of communication and interaction is relationship dependant but somebody not being able to find 30 seconds to message 3 or 4 times a day is poppycock. You can't take on a sub and then take them out to play when you feel like playing Big Bad Dom! You can't promise to be there to support and lead them if they can't get in contact with you.
Personally, I think we have quite a high level of interaction in our relationship and I still always wish it were more. A dip does lead to a low mood and I don't know if that just makes me extra needy, but I miss them terribly even though I entirely understand why they are busy. I can't even imagine not speaking to them for a day. No matter what we have going on in our lives we always make the effort to keep in touch and share the little things we have going on throughout our day. And if they are going to be absent, they try to warn me in advance and we have defaults that I can work to. Relationships should always be about effort on both sides if you want it to last and it can be difficult, doubly so if it's a LDR. You really have to want it.
And lastly, to any subs out there, if you struggle to get conversation or check ins or consistent effort from your dom but they are always available for playtime or pictures or dirty talk....thats a massive red flag.
#ss stuff#d/s stuff#relationship stuff#ldr relationship#communication
193 notes
sedulous-subFollow
Dec 15, 2020
Sending inappropriate asks and unsolicited naked pictures is just as bad when girls do it to guys. Being gross is being gross, irregardless of gender. Stop it and have more respect for yourself and other people.
#ss stuff#tumblr etiquette#Don't be gross
46 notes
sedulous-subFollow
Dec 15, 2020
Subs, you're allowed to be the strong one sometimes.
Doms, you're allowed to be the sappy one sometimes.
Tumblr d/s isn't real life. Its not all doms in suits and kneeling subs. It's not black and white. It's a relationship like any other and it needs give and take on both sides. It's supposed to be loving and it's supposed to be fun. You're not doing it wrong if it's right for you.
You don't need to try and strive for the fake, photoshopped, perfect d/s portrayed here. All your imperfections and badly timed giggles, wobbly days and things that don't go to plan are your version of perfect d/s and that's what you should strive for.
#ss stuff#d/s stuff#relationship stuff
1,042 notes
sedulous-suboneguysviewFollow
Dec 28, 2020
Follow
Dec 28, 2020
Imagine (or think back to) being curious about the DS lifestyle and doing some looking online to see what it's all about.
One of the first things you run into when you find a community? Always capitalize the D in DOM because they are awesome and every one deserves your respect and deference and you should be lucky to be in their presence!
The fuck we think we're setting up there? New dominants that think their shit can't stink and new submissives that think they need to bow and scrape before every dominant that's willing to show them attention.
Capitalizing the d in every use of dom is toxic.
You want to use it in your own dynamic, absolutely do it. But stop the D/s stuff.
This post was a follow-up to the post immediately preceding it. However the post being separated through tumblr led to confusion on my intent without the other post to help define it. I've edited the post to avoid two points of confusion/contention and still recommend the post be read along with the post that preceded it.
Follow
Dec 28, 2020
Now I probably tangent a lot because I had a whole lot buzzing around my head, but i wanted to address some of the comments on this post.
I do believe that a great thing about tumblr is that you get to see the many ways people live their relationship and power exchange in d/s and there is so much free information. But, it takes a long time to navigate through all the tumblrkink and misogeny and people role playing at it before you find the people that you can trust to have any sense.
When I started looking into these things in kik groups and the like, there were definitely things that didn't sit right with me and made me feel uncomfortable. The way some members seemed to automatically expect respect and even titles just because they identified as a dominant and the way a lot of submissives seemed to pander to this like it was the norm. Now I'm not saying that I have any experience now and I certainly had zero back then, but just because somebody says they are something doesn't mean they automatically get my respect or honorifics. That is earned. One person may have my complete submission but outside of that I am not submissive. Other things such as collars and rules and titles are all absolutely fine in the context of your own d/s relationship and how you live it but I wouldn't accept those things from any random person on the internet, so why should I address the same random people with a title that means nothing to me? And if they feel they need it from every sub, then it proves even more so how meaningless they believe it to be.
I also shudder to think that my dom presumes he doesn't have my respect, gratification and complete submission and adoration just because I don't capitalise the S in sir or D in dom everytime we interact.
I understand that in power exchange one person generally leads but all people in that relationship are equal so you shouldn't need to capitilse one side of the slash over the other. If the relationship is truly equal they should be the same. We all know what the D and S stand for...
If you want to capitilse letters in your own dynamic, that's fine.
If you want to use titles in your own dynamic, that's fine.
If you want to have contracts and rules and collars and kneeling in your own dynamic, then that is fine.
All of those things mean something special to the people involved. But it doesn't mean that just because you identify as a dominant that you automatically get capitalisation or honorifics or respect from other people in the lifestyle. Those things are earned and I think it's really important to people new to this to read these things.
Especially important for new submissives, as the damage that can be done in an abusive power exchange relationship by a dom drumming into them that they are not equal or have no say or rights in the relationship can be permanently mentally and/or physically damaging. People need to know that these relationships are equal. People need to know their worth on either side of the slash.
And the people that argue this for the sake of "this is how we always did it", I understand that in certain situations there is a certain protocol and tradition to follow, but I question that their protestations may sometimes be red flags as to their own views on the equality of the lifestyle.
117 notes
sedulous-subFollow
Jan 4, 2021
Don't be so quick to yuck somebody else's kinks, because one day they might be your yum!
#SS stuff#d/s stuff#Tastes really do change#Trust me...
62 notes
sedulous-subFollow
Feb 21, 2021
Hey, d-type lovelies! We love to see you just as much as you love to see us. So don't hold it back. A lot of us s-types may have trouble asking for what we want and need. We want to see you. We want to see how you feel about us. We want to seeeeeee what the things we do for you, do to you!!! We want this to be give and take. Seeing you turns us on as much as you seeing us does. We maybe just have trouble verbalising that sometimes.
Just saying...
85 notes
sedulous-subFollow
Mar 3, 2021
Punishments shouldn't be fun. Please can we stop saying that they are sexy and fun and that we are going to ask for or 'earn' a punishment. Funishments are an entirely different thing, if you want to push playfully and its an acceptable part of your dynamic to role play that, go crazy and you do you.
Punishments are a learning experience to correct an action. They're not for fun.
#ss stuff#d/s punishments#d/s stuff
49 notes
sedulous-subFollow
Jun 19, 2021
I saw a post recently which suggested that being a slave (in the d/s context) had a deeper meaning than being a sub. That as a sub, they had the choice to say no if they weren't in the mood to do something and as a slave, they couldn't. And it bothered me until I sat and thought, "that's just how they do it".
I think we all need the reminder sometimes, that how we live this lifestyle is entirely personal and different to how the next person will. And it only bothered me because being a sub is so important to me. As a sub, I would never think to myself that I could just say no if I wasn't in the mood to do something my dom had asked me to do. My version of 'sub' has just as deep a meaning as their version of 'slave'.
At the end of the day, these are all titles that we give ourselves. What they mean to one person is entirely different to the next. There is no one true set of rules to live this lifestyle, it's just what works for you and is safe, sane and consensual. You can have no rules, no punishments or a 10 page contract full of each. It really doesn't matter as long as everyone is happy and satisfied in the relationship. There needs to be more acceptance and less judgement about how people live their dynamic.
My one sticking point (and a slight tangent) is always going to be safewords. I see so many posts lately about how being a slave means giving up your safeword and it scares me. I truly believe that everyone should always reserve their right to have a safe way out of a situation. Sub, slave, dom, master, mistress, little..everyone should be able to feel safe enough to stop something when they need to. But again that's just my opinion. I just feel that it's important to point out to people, that 'slaves having no safeword' is not a rule, especially to those who may be new to the lifestyle. If you choose to live that way, so be it, but if somebody tells you factually, that's just how it's done, then don't accept that and run.
#ss stuff#d/s real life#d/s stuff
82 notes
sedulous-subsedulous-subFollow
Apr 26, 2021
Follow
Oct 26, 2020
Supporting your dom.
Tumblr has a way of portraying d/s as waifish, doe-eyed subs at the beck and call of scary suit clad dominants who clearly have it all figured out, and it's so disturbingly inaccurate and troublesome.
The idea that your dom is some sort of robot that is always "on" is unfair and needs addressed. They are as human as the next person and just as prone to the issues we all face daily. Just because they are the one in the position of power in your relationship doesn't mean that they can't have a bad day, suffer from medical issues, suffer from anxiety or depression, be having trouble sleeping, feel a little lost or just need some time alone and I find it really confusing that so many people don't seem to understand this seemingly obvious concept.
There are endless asks bouncing around tumblr along the vein of "my dom is busy with work/with family/sick/stressed and I don't feel they are giving me the attention I need". And yes, sometimes this is clearly just a dom that isn't invested in the relationship and willing to put in the work, but I think we can be too quick to jump on the idea that they're a bad dom without considering the fact they could be a person struggling and just need some support to be able to get through this for the two of you.
Yes, when they accept your submission they are accepting responsibility for your welfare (entirely based on the dynamics of your own relationship) but that doesn't make you, as a sub entirely lacking in responsibility and it doesn't mean that they should neglect their own well-being to get the job done, that's just trouble waiting to happen.
It means that you need to have a conversation about what happens when the situation arises that your dom may not be feeling themselves. Not that they are not your dom anymore or that the relationship is in any sort of danger of collapse...just that you carry on as usual and they/you can deal with what they're going through until they're back on track.
That they communicate their needs and you understand what you need to do to support them and that it doesn't mean you or your needs are any less important in their world. I'm not saying that for us subs it doesn't throw us off sometimes but it's real life and not Tumblr d/s.
It's basic human decency and something that needs to be talked about more openly. We speak so often about subs using their words and communicating their needs and it seems to get overlooked that doms need to not only do this too but feel like they can do it without judgement or lack of understanding.
They need to be able to feel that they can have a bad day without feeling like they'll lose your respect.
They need to know that you've got them just as much as they've got you.
They need your support too.
#SS stuff#Doms#d/s stuff#Support#relationships
1,463 notes
sedulous-subFollow
Oct 14, 2020
Hi, welcome to my blog.
Be kind.
Be courteous.
This is a safe space for all but the intolerant.
I love to chat to people and find more subjects that I can write about. It helps me so much to be able to organise my thoughts a little. Feel free to send me ideas for topics I can blog about.
I try to make my writings as gender neutral as possible but I know I slip at times. I'm in a m/f-d/s relationship so sometimes my writing reflects this.
I also know that everyone's relationship style and dynamic is different. I try to be all encompassing but I know I'm not going to get it right every time. If you don't agree with what I've written, I've probably written it badly. As long as your relationship is safe, sane and consensual and everyone is happy, live your best life.
My messages and asks are open and ready.
☺️
22 notes