Drift

Sometimes I don’t feel like I belong in my body. Not that it is not the body that I identify with but that I’m not connected to it. Like my soul, my being is adrift. I am hovering somewhere over my body watching it from afar. 

Even when I feel that I am seated in my body, in this flesh- I feel as though my feet aren’t attached to the ground. I’m not rooted to the earth. I take off my shoes and feel- I feel the earth in between my toes but I’m not there. 

Where am I?

I don’t feel like I am anywhere. 

I feel that I am nowhere. 

I feel as though I am sleepwalking through this existence. As though one day I’ll wake up and it’ll all be a dream.

It makes me wonder if any of it is real. Is it something my mind is making up? Some cruel punishment for some crime I’ve committed in a past life. 

It makes me feel as though there is no tomorrow. Not in a free kind of way but a miserable hopelessness kind of way. Sometimes I can’t imagine that I have a future. I can’t see waking up tomorrow morning with a day and a path laid out ahead of me. 

I could get lost staring into the darkness in my mind. Wandering through the chasms of self-loathing of weakness of despair. 

I wonder why I feel this way. Why nobody else feels like this. What is wrong with me. Some would say that maybe I’ve figured it out that none of this is real and that I should take things less seriously. But this feeling. This disconnection. Dissociation. Makes me feel that I have to grip on to these experience tighter.