для тебя

And so they were together again in the sack, and it was the late hour of the last night. Mary was lying close to him, and he could feel the length of her smooth legs against his, and her breasts, like two little hills on a plain with a stream running, and beyond the hills was a long ravine, her neck, to which his lips were pressed. He lay still, thinking of nothing, and she stroked his head.

- Roberto," Maria said very quietly and kissed him. - I am very ashamed. I don't want to upset you, but I am very hurt and somehow unwell inside. I am afraid that you will not feel well with me tonight.

- It always hurts and feels wrong inside," he said. - It's all right, little bunny. Don't be afraid. We won't do anything that will hurt.

- That's not the point. The point is that I can't be with you the way I want to be with you.

- It doesn't matter. It will pass. When we're lying next to each other like this, we're still together.

- Yeah, but I'm embarrassed. It's probably from the bad things that have been done to me. Not from the way you are with me.

- Let's not talk about it.

- I don't want to talk about it. Only it hurt me so much that just tonight, this night, I can't be with you the way I want to be, so I told you so you'd know why.

- Look, bunny," he said. - This will pass soon, and everything will be all right then. - But he thought, "It's a shame about the last night.

Then he felt ashamed, and said:

- "Hold me tight, bunny boy. When I feel you close, I feel as good as when I love you.

- And I am very ashamed, because I thought tonight would be like it was there on the mountain when we came back from El Sordo.

- Qué va," he told her. - It's not every day like this. And it's no worse now than it was then. - He lied, trying not to think about his disappointment. - We'll lie quietly together and fall asleep like this. Let's talk. You and I don't talk that much.

- Maybe we could talk about your work, about what's going to happen tomorrow. I'd love to know about your work.

- No," he said, and stretched out comfortably into the full length of the bag, and now lay motionless, his cheek pressed against her shoulder, his left arm under her head. - The wisest thing to do is not to talk about what will happen tomorrow or what happened today. In our business, losses are not discussed, and what is to be done tomorrow will be done. Aren't you afraid?

- Qué va," she said. - I am always afraid. But now I am so much afraid for you that I have no time to think about myself.

- Don't be, little bunny. I've been in a lot of trouble. Worse than that," he lied.

Then suddenly, tempted to escape from reality, he said:

- Let's talk about Madrid and how we will be there.

- All right," she said, and then: "Oh Roberto, I'm so sorry I'm like this today. Is there anything else I can do for you?

He stroked her head and kissed her, and then he lay snuggled against her and stretched out comfortably and listened to the silence of the night.

- Here, you can talk to me about Madrid," he said, and he thought: this will stay with me and come in handy for tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll need everything I've got. He smiled in the darkness.

Then he relented again and let himself slip into the distant reality, experiencing a bliss similar to that of nighttime intimacy, when there is no understanding, but only the pleasure of that intimacy.

- My darling," he said and kissed her. - Listen. Last night I thought about Madrid and imagined that I will go there and leave you in a hotel and go see someone in another hotel where there are Russians. But that's all nonsense. I won't leave you in any hotel.

- Why not?

- Because I want you to be with me. I won't leave you for a minute. I'll go with you to Seguridad to get the documents. Then I'll go with you to buy what you need from the dress.

- I don't need much, I can buy it myself.

- No, you need a lot, and we'll go together and buy the best, and you'll be very pretty in it all.

- I think we'd better stay in the hotel room and send someone to get the dresses. Where's the hotel?

- The Plaza del Callao. We'll spend a lot of time there in the room. There's a wide bed with clean sheets, and there's hot tap water in the bathroom, and there's two closets, and I'll hang my things in one, and you can have the other, and there's tall, wide windows that you can open wide, and outside the windows, outside, it's spring. And I know places where you can get a good meal, and they sell under the table, but they feed very well, and I know shops where you can buy wine and whiskey. And we'll take something with us to the room in case we get hungry, and we'll take whiskey in case I get thirsty, and I'll buy you a manzanilla.

- And I want to try whiskey.

- But it's so hard to get, and you love manzanilla.

- Well, I don't want your whiskey, Roberto," she said. - Oh, how I love you. And you, and your whiskey that you're sparing for me. You're a pig after all.

- I'll give you a taste, but it's not good for women.

- And all I've ever known so far is that It's good for women," Maria said. - But how am I going to get into bed? In the same wedding shirt?

- No. I'll buy you different shirts and pajamas if you like sleeping in pajamas better.

- I'll buy myself seven wedding shirts," she said. - One for each day of the week. And I'll buy you a clean wedding shirt, too. Do you ever wash your shirt?

- Sometimes I do.

- I'll make sure you have everything clean, and I'll pour you whiskey and dilute it with water, just like you did when we were at Deaf Man's. And I'll get you some olives and salt cod and peanuts for a snack, and we'll stay in that room for a month and never go out. If only I could be with you the way I want to be," she said, suddenly despondent.

- It's nothing," Robert Jordan told her. - Really, it's nothing. Maybe you had an abrasion or something there, and it hurts now. It can happen. But it always goes away very quickly. Finally, there are good doctors in Madrid, in case you have something serious.

- But it was fine before," she said pitifully.

- All the more so; it will be all right again.

- Then let's talk about Madrid again. - She intertwined her legs with his and rubbed the top of her head against his shoulder. - Won't you be ashamed of my ugly face? A haircut?

- No. You're beautiful. You have a beautiful face and a beautiful body, long and light. Your skin is smooth, the color of dark gold, and anyone who sees you will want to take you away from me.

- Qué va, take me away from you! - she said. - No man will ever touch me again until he dies. Take me away from you!

- And many will want to. You'll see.

- They'll see how much I love you, and they'll know that touching me is like sticking their hand into a cauldron of molten lead. And you? When will you see beautiful women, smart, educated, like you? Won't you be ashamed of me?

- Never. I'll marry you.

- If you want me to, she said. - But now that we don't have a church, I don't think it matters.

- And yet you and I will get married.

- If you want. You know what? If we ever go to another country where there's still a church, maybe we can get married there.

- I still have a church in my home country," he told her. - We can get married there, if that's important to you. I've never been married. So it's very easy to do.

- I'm glad you've never been married," she said. - But I'm glad you know all the things you told me about, because that means you've known a lot of women, and Pilar says only men like that can be married. But now you won't run after other women? Because I'll die if you do.

- I've never particularly run after women," he said, and it was true. - Before you, I didn't even think I could truly love.

She stroked his cheek, then hugged him.

- You must have known a lot of women.

- But you've never loved one.

- Listen to me. Pilar told me one thing...

- What?

- No. I'd rather not tell you. Let's talk about Madrid.

- What were you going to say?

- I don't want to now.

- Maybe you'd better tell me if it's important.

- Do you think it could be important?

- Yes.

- How do you know? You don't know what it is.

- I can tell by looking at you.

- All right, I won't hide it from you. Pilar told me that we're all going to die tomorrow, and that you know it as well as she does, and that you don't care. She didn't say it to condemn you, she said it in praise.

- Did she say that? - he asked. Crazy woman, he thought, and said aloud: "It's all her bloody gypsy tricks.