Distance

Daniel...

You're so,

far

I feel it

I feel the distance

It's so strong, Daniel

This doesn't feel right

This doesn't feel like my life

My cousins almost canceled the Tacoma trip on me again. Sabrina's birthday is on Sunday, and I have to be home by then to celebrate. Sadie said she could only drive me home Monday so my dad said I couldn't go, and I lost it.

Daniel,

I lost it.

Nyssa was with me almost all day, and she sat in front of me while I failed to expel all the negativity from my brain. When I was told I couldn't go to Tacoma I just felt myself start to chip away.

I can't handle it here.

I can't stay here.

I look forward and see darkness.

Pitch black.

I need to get away. Even if it's only for four days. I need to leave.

I pushed, Daniel, I pushed. I kept pushing and eventually got my aunt and uncle to drive me down on Sunday. I can go.

I need to go up to Tacoma.

There's clear air up there.

Down here I'm suffocated in a room that's always to hot.

I'm surrounded by people that only seem important when you're near.

This week made me realize how little life excites me. There's nothing I truly look forward too. I really do have depression, but I don't often feel suicidal. When I do feel like I want to end it all, it takes form of a passing thought that terrifies me. I try to shoo it away with a fly swatter but I can never kill it. It just buzzes away from me and comes back every now again to remind me of my pain.

I don't feel suicidal now. I don't think I will for awhile.

I just feel bland. Beige.

You know what, that's a fucking lie. I'm not suicidal, but I'm also not bland or beige, I'm a breaking hour glass, and when I break there will be sand everywhere and no one's gonna care to clean it up. The sand will just get stepped on and burrow so deep into the carpets that soon no one will notice it's there.

This is what I always felt before I had met you.

I was always on the edge of falling apart.

Here I was thinking that I'd grown. I haven't grown, I just take a better shape when you're around. Fuck. You make me better. I don't make me better, but you do.

You're in London with no one but your mom. I wonder if you're living a life similar to the one you lived before you met me. I wonder if you're happy. I wonder what you've been doing. I wonder what you've been feeling.

You're so far.

so far

so fucking far

What the fuck do we do?

I feel dramatic, and I also don't want you to think I'm angry with you. I cry thinking about that possibility. I'm angry we're far apart, but I'm not angry at you for leaving. I can't stress that enough.

DANIEL I AM NOT ANGRY. I PROMISE. YOU'RE THE ONLY LIGHT I SEE AND THERE IS NO WAY THAT YOU GOING TO LONDON COULD MAKE ME ANGRY.

I'm angry that I'm not right by your side. No, it's not even that. I'm angry that I can't handle myself when I'm not right by your side. I'm angry that my eyes don't see color when I'm not with you.

There are so many more days to get through.

Four done,

Nine to go.

Fuck.