Desire

Why do I find myself again and again wishing for my partner to be in charge and lead the way? For years like a cycle, I have gone between needing this in my life, to the feeling waning and me disengaging my attention away from my partner.

I’ve found the reason for these cycles revolves around pornography and masturbation, but in the opposite way you may think. Pornography is the thing that disengages me from my partner sexually and domestically.

We don’t yet live together and only see each other a few days a week. So you can imagine me being a late-twenties year old. I masturbate to porn often.

I find that the rare occasion I take a couple days break from masturbating, the desire to be led comes on strong again. In this state I’d do anything to please her. And I want not to be asked politely to do things for her. I want to be told. Assertively. Knowing that she wants something and I must follow. It’s not a polite request. And if I please her, I’ll get recognition and she may even let me please her sexually as a reward if I’m lucky. Yes, all of these feelings dominate my mind after just two days without coming. And I don’t know why. But it is what it is. A yearning to be taken. kept. used. to pleasure her.

Now don’t get me wrong. It’s not a super strong yearning, the type where you get depressed without it being fulfilled. It feels about as strong as that craving for a sweet creamy bar of chocolate that we all have felt at least once. It’s enough to make me pursue.

The problem with this space is that when looking up femdom, female led relationship, dominant women, etc. You’ll quickly find that the majority of it at the very extreme end. With the woman dressed in all black leather, holding a bullwhip, with the man on his knees naked with his balls being beaten. But that couldn’t be further from what my feelings present to me. I’m not saying these things don’t exist. And I’m not even hating. I’m just saying this isn’t my version of female domination and male submission. If you are a woman looking into leading your man, do not let what you come across discourage you.

About two years ago I brought up with my girlfriend of seven years the concept of female led relationship. I created a long document where I outlined different things that I learned about this concept and how we could apply it our relationship.

She was, as many woman I’m sure, intrigued and worried at the same time.

I imagine within five minutes some of the following must have gone through her mind:

“What is wrong with how our relationship works already?”

“I don’t want a wimp of a man”

“I don’t want to boss you around. I’m not a bitchy person. I don’t want to be seen as a bitch”

“Hmm, I would love more attention though”

“And I would love for you to stop looking at porn finally!”

“Sure, more orgasms for me sounds good”

“I like the thought of being the only one that can give you pleasure. Not you by yourself thinking of some other woman”

“I like the sound of chastity. Because when you go out, I know you can’t do anything haha”

“Will it hurt your balls though? Please be careful. I want kids eventually.”

The important thing at the time was that she said she’s willing to give it a try. She took the keys. She was into it. But sadly it failed after a couple days. At that time it didn’t work for us. She lived on the other side of the city for university. And I was a commuter living alone in a condo. We only saw each other a few times a week. For this to work properly you need to be together daily more often than not.

I’ve been alone for the vast majority of lockdown. Imagine the amount of porn I looked at to suppress that submissive feeling. Well just last week I stopped masturbating for a few days, and lo and behold that chocolate craving came back stronggg.

We are getting married in a few months. And she will be moving in. Good timing, huh?

I told my loving fiancé on the phone that this feeling is back, and I’d like for her to lead our marriage.

She said “Yes.” … “But let’s take it one step at a time.”