turning 18

in exactly 4 days away from now, I'll be turning 18. never have I thought that I would actually be at this age, enjoying what I have now and missing what I have missed and never had in the first place. I guess life is like that, we would always crave things that we have yet to achieve, just like the song 'how can you miss someone you've never met'... turning 18 is scary..... please don't mind me saying the exact same phrase for the nth year...... because it IS scary.... turning older is scary, adulting is much scarier and growing old and experiencing things you've yet to go through will then be the utmost scary phase of life.... it's funny how life works sometimes, one day you're 16 and you have your life planned out; to study well, to achieve results of flying colours when you get out of the school, secure a scholarship, study for a-levels or ib, fly to overseas and the dream country you have your pinterest board about, study again but now you're somewhere you've always wanted and somewhere completely at the other side of the world, graduate, travel to the states and countries around it and finally come back home to work until you die, or if you're lucky, you'll get married before that. but it's all our plans, we plan, He plans, and indeed He is the best planner. I've always thought of my life that way, always been scared for thinking of the what-ifs of what if my life won't be as cool as how i planned? always been scared to think about the failure of any and each of the plans that i carved oh-so-perfectly. little did i know that 2 years later i failed from the first step, and will probably have to plan out a whole different and new life guide, and have things completely opposite to what i have planned? or maybe my new life plans would have a few similarities in the start or in the end, and somehow I'll be somewhere exactly as i planned? no one knows, huh.....

speaking of which, I'm scared of what's coming. I'm scared of the letters and emails and rejections and maybe offers and probably texts that i might or might not get in the near future. I'm scared of deciding this future of mine. I'm scared of things turning the other way, of things not working exactly as i planned. growing up is scary, but every time i think about it, i'd always remind myself that it's everyone's first time too. it's their first time too to get rejection emails and letters, it's their first time too to get into college, to get ahead and continue life after high school, and they did it. they all did it, be it nice or not that'll be undecided and truly depends on how we'll be doing in the next phase of life. so,,, it's everyone's first time too. I'll continue to remind myself that every time i find myself scared of what's coming and the unknowns. I'll continue reminding myself to have faith in allah, to keep making duas and to hope for the best in hope that His rezeki is wiiiiideeeee and if we didn't make it now, we'll have it later. indeed, He knows what's best for each of his servant. allah maha mengetahui, allah maha besar, allah maha mengawasi dan allah maha melihat. he knows what's in every heart. it'll come in no time if it's for us. trust him oki <3