.. boys ..

My earliest memory of being interested in boys was at my 5th birthday party. A boy who lived across the road from me asked me if I would be his girlfriend and I said I couldn't because his eyes reminded me of a boy at school that I liked.

The next was a boy in primary school. I was besotted. I got a friend of mine to ask him if he would 'go with me' and he said no, I was too short.

I had my first actual boyfriend at the end of primary school to the beginning of high school. He was the type of boyfriend that was just a status although he did buy me a photo album as a Christmas present.

The first boy I fell in love with was 15 when I was 12. I don't think anyone else, in my whole life so far, has given me butterflies the way he did. The way he would look at me, his cheeky, shy smile, his beautiful eyes.... we used to write letters to each other and I would read them over and over again. We were allowed to meet down the street on weekends and we would sit and talk for hours, then he would walk me to the corner near my house before walking home. All we ever did was hug and hold hands. We never kissed. Even though he was older than me, it was only the two of us when we were together, the whole world was invisible.

As high school rolled on, I had my share of crushes, all of which weren't reciprocated. Although I never had the guts to make a move. I had a part time job at a supermarket in Year 10 and that was sometimes like the highlight of my week - so many boys to perv on.

Year 11 comes around and one particular boy caught my attention. He was musical, could play piano and guitar but a massive maths and science nerd. We flirted and got to know each other but never really got a chance to hang out. One night after a school performance, we met up and acted all coy and then he kissed me. A few days later he said he had too much going on to be in a relationship.

Then I met him. The rebel. The smart arse. The alternative one. Mr Popularity. Our initial interaction was over our first Pearl Jam concert, which we were both going to attend. My obsession with him was overwhelming. He always played hard to get but occasionally he would treat me like I was the only girl in the world. And when he did, nothing else existed.

There were always at least 2 sides to him. The side that really seemed interested in me, that enjoyed my company, that wanted to be in my company as much as possible. The other side was arrogant and chauvinistic, as though I didn't exist. He would brag about the girls that had hit on him, openly flirt in front of me, tell me of his woes with his on again/off again girlfriend who had moved away. He became dependent on my wanting him. And he treated me like shit more and more as time went on.

Nothing eventuated during high school, we were never actually a couple. A few years later he called me out of the blue and asked if I wanted to visit. So I did. Just him and me for 3 days at his house. It was amazing, I felt so comfortable and at home with him. A few days after I got home, he called me and asked if I would be his girlfriend. Six weeks later I moved from my home town to be with him. I was so besotted that I excused his behaviours from the beginning, those that were still there, those that he had shown me in full force back in high school.