bin

sorry for this wall of text. its gonna be a mess.

fucking deal with it.

The bit thats stupid but I want you to do it anyways. As my last request of you.

I want you to call 1-800-273-8255. I'm not saying you have to stop. But I want you to talk to a professional at least once before you leave. Even if you get nothing out of it, at least I can feel like less of a horrible person for not calling the police on you

because god it fucking hurts my heart that I didn't call them

The weird part

Theres only so much I can say when I'm sitting here listening to you talk possibly for the last time. Hard to talk when I'm sitting here crying. Be glad you can't see me face right now because you might actually feel guilty.

I meant it when I said I'll punch you if you were lying, let's just say I hope I can get the opportunity punch you in the face.

It's funny I'm just sitting here listening and I realise I didn't have all your dumps downloaded so I'm just watching the progress bars grow on my slow ass internet

The sad part

My friendship with you has been one of my longest. So to be honest I'm really hurt that you wouldn't tell me these thoughts that are going through your head, the fact you couldn't take your mask off around me really hurts. really fucking hurts.

I guess I'm sort of repeating myself right now so I'll spend some time to figure out what the fuck I'm saying. You have no idea how much I want to tell your dad, tell your doctor, call 911 and tell them. I really don't want you to die. but I won't do it, and I'll probably regret that decision for the rest of my entire fucking life. Hearing the shit you are about to go through. the health problems. I can't make you live through this

I think the hardest part is I'm never going to be able to see you IRL.

I don't know when it happened but you became a massive part of my reason to go to the states. I guess thats not so important now.

I'm sorry for not talking in the call much, I just have no idea what to say. its such a shock because i never expected this from you. you were always that "happy go lucky" kid that might get depressed for a week or so but would just bounce back shortly.

I really didn't see this coming.

The happy(?) part

I want to thank you for being one of my best friends, and i want to say sorry for barely talking to you recently. i feel like such a horrible person. I can't believe this might be the last time i ever speak to you. I hope the other side is nice i guess.

Every moment I spent talking to you, programming with you, playing games and doing random shit with you was fun, Even the times where i barely spoke because i felt like shit i really appreciated just spending time with you through the years. I guess what i liked the most about our relationship was that i could treat you like the brother i didn't have? in a cringey kinda of way. My real brother was always a pain in the arse and annoying me. it was nice to be able to do stupid shit with you online and just chill and pretend to be gay as fuck.

I'm sorry I wasn't more honest in the call. I feel like a horrible person for not saying what I wanted to say and I'm going to regret that I couldn't tell it to you with my voice but it just hurts too much, i just couldn't talk. Honestly I don't know how you can stay so calm talking about things like this. but I guess you have your resolve. I can still kinda remember when kuroi introduced me to you. because I met you i've had some of the best times i can remember; and its kept me sane all these years. I've met many wonderful friends and made so many new lasting relationships because I met you.

To think that the entire "Megumin" shit wouldn't even exist if i met you. I'd just be some normie getting on with his life. There would be no "uwu look at my thigh pics owo" or even (god forbid) "h". I wouldn't know any of the internet friends I know now, and my internet might just be a boring place that I only use for coding tutorials and asking stupid questions in the discord api server.

You've been a massive influence on my life sine I met you and I want to thank you so much for it all. You've been amazing. And I'm so sorry that I even have to write this wall of text.

There might be a follow up for this, or there might not. I don't really know if I've got all my thoughts out or not. I hope this isn't all I have to say.

Thank you.

I love you. (no homo)

And I really hope I get to see you one day on the other side.