“Maybe you can give me some tips on how to find a girl to join my boyfriend and me.” So says a Brooklyn woman in a three-and-a-half year relationship that she describes as “open” in one place and “polyamory” in another. Maybe we know voodoo and spells too. Regardless, the hunt for the elusive unicorn is on. In case you don’t know, the unicorn is that rare, magical bisexual woman who will jump into bed with with a couple and help them fulfill their fantasies. This common but complicated situation deserves a long answer. For a little more background, the woman wrote us from a dating profile that she shares with her boyfriend and which is registered to a straight male in his thirties. They are in shape, are seeking a single woman, and say they’re willing to “let it grow into a friendship.” I’ve known a number of men and women who’ve stepped into couples’ relationships for a night or longer, and their experiences range everywhere from amazing to ehh to terrifying.
Unicorns are definitely out there–some will actively identify as unicorns, and some bi or straight women will be interested if the right situation comes along in the right way–but most won’t advertise themselves. I hear a lot of complaints from bi and lesbian women who are sick of heterosexual couples writing to them and asking if they want a third. I understand: they get treated as sexual objects to be used for others’ pleasure, not as real people. Besides all the unwanted mail, there’s a good reason unicorns hide: you’re taking on very little risk yourself but asking them to do something very risky. If she sleeps with you, she will step into another relationship that’s already well-developed (could she ruin it? could you use her body? will you use her against each other?) and step into the bedrooms of people she doesn’t know well (will you respect her? will you treat her well? will you satisfy her sexually?). If you’re going to find a third, you’ll have to be very cognizant of and attentive to her comfort with you and your situation.
You’ll have to bend over backwards to make her feel like you two are stable, happy, healthy, and will be interested in making the experience safe and fun for her. That applies to everything from how you write your profile, to how you contact her, to whether you’re both interested in getting her off in bed. You need to be really fucking suave. Like rico suave suave. Here’s what’s wrong with your approach so far:You need to get your language right to attract the right people. Are you open or polyamorous? They mean different things. Look them up, decide which applies to you, and use one of the two terms in your profile, not both. But the question of language goes beyond that. Make sure the grammar and spelling in your profile are spot-on so the potential unicorn understands you well. Don’t call women girls because many find it offensive and demeaning, especially sexually open women with bisexual tendencies who think a lot about gender and sex and power. Also, by using the right terminology, like the word unicorn, you might turn up in the right search results.
Use the power of women. Nothing makes women feel safe like other women. Your profile is listed as belonging to a man. The main photo is of an imposing, muscular, male back. The first three photos are of the male in your partnership. There are no photos of the two of you together. This will be off-putting to a lot of women. You should make his and hers profiles and link to each other. This will double your chances of being seen, and it will present the two of you in the most positive, open light. “Yeah, she’s real, she can vouch for this dude, and I can see her whole profile right here.” I also think it will make it easier if you present as a bisexual woman who is in an open relationship. You might be able to smooth the way for your guy by meeting women by yourself first and then introducing your boyfriend if everyone is into the idea. And I sincerely hope that’s the case. This will be more fun for you and your unicorn if you’re truly going to be into her and not just doing this to please your boyfriend or to fulfill a curiosity.
If you can connect with someone of truly shared sexual interests, that will make things easier, and if you, as the partnered woman, can be the organizer, you will likely have an easier time too. Walk softly, but talk a lot. If you get to the point of meeting up with someone, start with dates in public spaces and create a safe, fun environment. Make sure she knows that’s the plan as well. Talk to each other and create a feeling of friendship and camaraderie before trying to take things to the next level. Right now, friendship seems like an afterthought in your profile, but a third will want to be sure she’s at least treated well. Make sure you’ve all had a chance to talk about your expectations for a first intimate encounter before it actually happens. This way everyone can feel good and you are more likely to get what you actually want. There are a lot of possibilities here, and you might need to ease into things. Maybe she watches you two together at first. Maybe you and she go at it while he watches.
Maybe both of you focus on her only at first … You’re already starting at a disadvantage because most single women aren’t looking for what you’re offering, and so many other couples are making the same ask. You have to convince those nice girls that it is really worth their getting to know you. Tell a story that makes women feel safe. Your profile is kind of sparse, and you need to pull back on the sexual aggression. It doesn’t tell much of a story about who you are individually and together, how long you’ve been open (or poly?), why you’re seeking out a woman for a threesome, what you hope to get out of this as a couple, and what you can offer her that will be worth the effort. You also need to think about what to say to the unicorns you do find. First messages on OKCupid are often deleted, so you need to make yours stand out. When you do message women, have a catchy opener, and answer some of these questions: What makes you two a good find for a unicorn on the hunt?
How will you woo these ladies and make them feel good, special and safe? How will she know you’ll treat her well instead of using her for sex and leaving her unsatisfied, as some unicorns report? How will she know you’re both really into this and won’t freak out?Pictures are part of the story, so after you run a spell check, work on some classy pics. Selfies and muscle shots are not going to get you anywhere. Dress up nice and get a friend to take a photo of you two having fun together doing normal stuff, not half-naked in front of your unmade bed. You need to show that you are a nice normal couple who just happens to have one slightly unusual predilection.Since unicorns are hard to find, you need to search everywhere. Ask yourselves where in your social circles you might be able to find someone who shares your interests. Do you know other couples that you might suspect (or know from conversation) are interested in the same activity you are? Could you negotiate a trade? Do you have an acquaintance who’s up for anything, and might say yes in the right situation?
Already having a social connection would help to allay some of the fears that a third partner might rightfully feel about hooking up with y’all. Unicorns are shy, timid creatures, and for good reason: everyone out there seems to want a piece of them to put in their sexual trophy case. Because threesomes are so common, the good news is that this kind of unicorn does exist. It’s not necessarily going to be as disappointing for you as it is for every little girl who wants her own horned, fuzzy horse as a child. If you don’t learn to think like a unicorn, however, you will never catch one. The most important thing is that you have to really do the work to make your profile attractive to potential unicorns. You also have to master the art of making your online and in-person communications attractive. Consider all the crap that women who might be into this go through. Consider all the bad things they might be worried about. Tell a good, clear story about how fun, safe, and amazing you are, and rely on the woman among you to make things run smoothly.