Bartender

I remember everything, I think... 

It was one of the thursday nights in Los Angeles, it all started where I looked at myself in the wc mirror, tied my handkerchief harder around my neck, renewed my eyeliner, and entered the club hall with the most troubled mind I've ever had of myself in 23 years.

my footsteps led me to Bartender and asked for a drink with the weakest voice possible. I couldn't think of anything, I hated myself, I hated my illness, how many people in that fucking world would have suffered a panic attack that I was among them? why would I even be among them? Solar always found out when I was sick, she was always there to look after me and let me be alone to get along with myself, she had been taking care of me like a sister for five years, but she wasn't there on that fucking night, she shouldn't have been, If she was there, she wouldn't let me get drunk after a panic attack, If she were there, she wouldn't let me serve drinks to a businessman with my dizziness and bad mood and advise him for gamble. yes, I did all those things, and the spark of everything started the moment I got off that businessman's table and got a glimpse across the club, and I saw him.

him..

yes, him. It was an interesting sight, he was sitting on the red sofas, at the end of the club, two guy were having sex next to him, someone else was sucking her boyfriend's dick, and he was sitting in the middle of them looking uncomfortable and lonely, and I thought he might wet himself.

I thought he must have come by force, otherwise there wouldn't have been the reason for all this purity and uncomfortableness.

and me? I wanted to hurt a little, I don't know why. I wasn't normally a person who made sexual jokes with strangers or even with my friends, but when I was drunk, everything came out of me. and I went ahead and approached him, sat on his feet and controlled myself to don't vomit because of the smell of his sweet perfume. he pulled his own body, and stared at me with a face that was saying: "what the fuck?"

I smiled and said, "you don't seem to be here for sex or drinking, how old are you?"

he said with confusion: "no, actually, I came by my father's compulsion."

- "shit, you didn't say, how old are you?"

+ "24?"

- "and your name?"

+ "mark"

- "call me haechan and I'd be happy to have my first sex with you tonight."

he got more nervous and stuttered.

+ "im sorry, but I'm not here for that kind of thing."

- "I know that? come on, don't you want to have some fun or some free thing?"

+ "oh god, please get off my feet."

I moved my buttocks on his dick without saying anything I approached my face and whispered to his lips: "please let me feel anything different than my always sucks mood." I looked him in the eye, and the next moment I felt his hands around my waist, I got closer to him and put my lips on his hot lips. he didn't know anything about kissing, I thought, what was he doing in the last 24 years of his life? pure boys always make me horny and i think mark was the best person for my first sex. I even remember how we went upstairs in each other's arms with our hot kisses, we walked into one of the vip suites, how did we remove our clothes from each other, i remember his fucking deep voice, his hands, the taste of his lips, every single part of his body, the kisses he put on my neck, ears and throat, his hair stuck to his forehead, the smell of his breath, everything.

that's right, he was inexperienced and induced but I fell in love with him, so that in the middle of a violent sex, he kissed all my face, made me stop being drunk and tell myself for a second what the hell am I doing? why was I doing that? having sex with a boy I didn't know? at the club where I worked? all these thoughts were slammed in my face like a slap, all in a moment! I cried, knocked him out of my body, took my clothes off, didn't answer his questions, i screwed up everything, I ran in a hurry, went out of the club and ran down the street, he followed me,he called my name, tried to take my hand, I didn't listen to him, I ran away from him, and between the thunder and the rain, the beeping of cars, and my cries, the wheels of a car were heard on the cobbles of the street. and when I opened my eyes it was the last three months, it was over because of my stupidity.