Man has been tested through history. Abraham underwent trials, Hercules suffered labours. Women have been tested too, and I am among them, having been asked to assemble and review baby technology while in charge of 11-month-old Evan. Driven by a birth boom, this market is rotund. A staggering £900m a year is spent on baby products, with new gizmos issued at the rate of stinky nappies. Why have a simple buggy when yours could have headlamps and an odometer? Educational toys are old news: here’s Baby’s Own Tablet! The marketing literature says this stuff is for people who “enjoy staying on top of the hottest trends ...[and] we know your children feel the same way”. “Gimmicky tat for credulous ******”, my husband sighs, wrestling with an allen key. Electronic kiddie entertainment or assistance is useful, but there is a darkness behind the trend too. In her brilliant book, The Madness Of Modern Parenting, Zoe Williams calls it the “fear that something might go wrong [so] you’ll buy anything”.
The more intense the risk, the more money there is to be made from it, she says, ie parental fear is being whipped up to boost the ringing tills. These devices promise to help modern mamas and papas control their babies – but ha ha, weep weep, the little sods don’t work that way. Add to the mix impenetrable instructions – just what you need after months of sleep deprivation, and, in my case, a day of retrieving Evan from a bowl of catfood, then the cat – and you wonder who these things have actually been designed for. “What strollers should be,” boasts the voluminous packaging. This means an electronic buggy that measures walking speeds (to burn off that baby-weight? Hmm), has headlamps for night-rides (past bedtime, we’re on the sofa, with wine), a phone charger (OK, quite useful), and a button which folds this giant automatically, like Optimus Prime. This feature is entertaining, until it decides not to work, as mine did, prompting a call to customer services because error codes mean you should stop using the buggy immediately, which wouldn’t be ideal if you were miles from home, with a baby, in the rain.
It also handles kerbs awkwardly, weighs a back-breaking 11kg (without an 11kg baby in it), and has a chassis so wide it wouldn’t fit through my front door. No shopping basket either - the handlebar bag is the size of a wet wipe. What strollers shouldn’t be, ever, more like. The assembly instructions were so microscopic, so brain-manglingly confusing, that five of my university-educated mum friends, including one who had studied structural engineering, were baffled. It is a Spanish walking-aid for nearly-mobile tots, where baby holds a handle that connects to a tube and two wheels, while a harness ties him or her to another, higher tube, so the adult doesn’t have to bend down to help them. At first, my semi-standing son was tentative - as was I - but as his fat legs grew stronger, up and off he went. Maybe not for everyone’s toddler, but worth the torture for us. VTech InnoTab 3 Baby This tablet promises that “children can have fun and learn”. Translation: any loud, flashing toy will beguile most babies, and many older ones.
Designed for kids from 12 months, it’s a bit complex for younger ones: signing in and picking programs involves a little more nous. Evan enjoys bashing it on the floor and chewing its stylus, but I did find him colouring a monkey yesterday, unnervingly, on a game called Baby Colour And Pop. Not too expensive a product for its potential, and lots more games are available online too for square-eyed older kids. Waggle this paediatrician-approved orb near your screaming child, and it’ll tell you what’s wrong. Here’s what’s wrong: 1) Letting your child scream while you shove this at their tonsils isn’t fun. 2) The advice in your booklet (Baby stressed? Cuddle) is hilariously obvious. 3) My friend’s son fell on his head, and you told us he was hungry. My son also prefers using your lullaby-calming mode in the manner of a ghettoblaster, holding it against his ear, while proceeding to dance like a meerkat. This is not ideal at 4am, but at least he isn’t crying. Withings Smart Baby Monitor
At last, something useful! A monitor with the “allure of an elegant white music box” – the top priority for any parent – that links to your iPad and iPhone via WiFi and bluetooth. It then shows you your snoozing (ideally) baby while you’re out on the razz. Cut to me squatting in a busy bar last week (free WiFi, your honour), stroking my son on the screen behind my gin. Both sound and vision are excellent, as you’d expect from the price tag, but don’t accidentally press talkback or lullaby mode, or your husband will hear you and wish you dead. Also, is it wise to peer in on our kids like this? Big Mother Is Watching You – shiver. Plus now she’s paranoid as well as half-pissed.> > > Helping your toddler to walk How you can help your toddler to walk Watching your little one take their very first steps is one of life’s amazing moments. But when do babies start toddling? Some start to walk as early as 10 months old, while others wait until 18 months or more.
The fact is your toddler will walk in their own good time! It’s one of many big changes in a period of amazing development – so they’ll need your support to help their progress and confidence. And you can have plenty of fun and laughter as you help them on their way! Making sure your home is safe Your toddler’s legs are getting stronger and their sense of balance is developing, so bumps and tumbles are bound to happen! It’s all part of the learning process, but it’s a good idea to toddler-proof your home. You might want to cover any hard edges such as chairs and table legs. Installing a stair gate can prevent any climbing mishaps. Keep power leads for lamps and other items out of reach of tiny fingers and make sure your furniture is stable and can’t be pulled over by eager little hands. Door stops are useful, too - they prevent your toddler from closing doors and trapping their fingers. Understanding how toddlers learn to walk Babies begin preparing for walking very early on.
Spending time happily bouncing on your knee, or in the baby bouncer, helps develop the strength they need. A sure sign that they’re ready to toddle is when they can pull themselves up and stand, using a sofa or other object for support. Your toddler will probably find your legs useful for this too! Here’s one way of helping them learn to pull up to a standing position: Helping your little one to toddle It’s natural for toddlers to want to get up and go! Here are some simple ways to help them on their way: Stand or sit in front of them while holding out your hands – this encourages them to come to you. Hold both of your toddler’s hands at about shoulder height and walk them forward while supporting them. See if they enjoy using a ‘push toy’ to support them as they toddle. Allow them to go without footwear – it can help with their balance. Fun and games that help with toddling You can help make learning to walk more fun with simple games like: