attention

i always begged for attention, until i realized i would never get it from family. I realized what was wrong with me today. As my friend talked about how her boyfriend asked her out; he set up lights and flowers in the woods. And in that moment it was like in movies where the camera pans around you face, and you suddenly realize how bad it is. My standards, aren't good. I just wanted someone to hurt me, I mean literally being - a masochist - but this was different. I begged for attention and validation, so I completely ignoring not even the red flags but the burning sky. I choose to go blind, just for that feeling...

Its disappointing knowing i'm going down a hole, so far down. Even my friends think i'm disgusting, i mean i do too. but its hurts to know even my friends agree with my anxiety.