Asya

3 рассказ

Yesterday afternoon I came home from work early because I wasn't feeling well. I assumed my husband Jake (5 years married) was at work still because it was early in the day. I went upstairs to our bedroom to take a nap and I caught him trying to stuff my diary back into its hiding place. Shocked, I asked him what he was doing. at first he said nothing and he was cleaning our room and found it and was about to put it back. but he was fidgety and I knew he was lying. I pressed on it more and asked if he was really reading my diary, like seriously...?, and I felt so weird saying that. It reminded me of the time my mom ready my diary when I was 13 and I caught her. I felt like a kid all over again with my privacy being invaded and being secretly judged.   

Eventually he admitted that yes he had been reading it. I was hurt and still am. My diary is sacred to me and always has been. It's the one place I feel I can truly open up and be myself. I questioned him even more about it and he admitted he'd been doing this consistently for three years. He said he started doing it after my dad died because he was worried about me. The time was rough for me sure but I wasn't depressed. It was my dads time to go after a long battle with cancer and I knew it was coming. I don't think my behavior changed drastically enough to warrant my husband to invade my privacy and read my diary.   

He said once he got started he couldn't stop it and it was addicting. He even admitted to have some pages photocopied. on the photocopied pages he would make notes and draw question marks. I noticed one or two of the question marks were drawn around entries and paragraphs where I talk about going out with my friends or seeing my family. I asked him why on earth he would draw question marks around that. Did he not trust me? I was so confused. He then deflected and snatched the booklet with the photocopies from my hand and said that I should not be so upset about this. Husbands and wives should share everything and I shouldn't be so antsy about my diary unless I had things to hide from him. He said that he feels he has a right to look at it as my husband and that he's just concerned about me.   

My thing is, he invaded my privacy. I'm my own person apart from him... Arent I? I really like having a place to be myself completely... I can't even have that? I'm already going to quit my job soon to make him happy so I can stay home with our future kids. I've already given up a lot of my life since I got married. I don't see some of my friends because Jake says I now have marital responsibilities and I can't be attached to single life anymore. I gave up my favorite hobby of hiking because Jake said it was dangerous. I don't know. I'm just getting sad writing this. Writing in my diary was one of the only things I had left and now it's been taken from me. I've been so sad I can't even process it.   

I don't know reddit. Sometimes I feel like a shell of my former self in this marriage. But I feel like I'm overreacting and I'm sure that's what you're thinking right now. Sometimes I just lay in bed and cry and wonder if this Is all there is in the world. I used to have so many friends and hobbies and I feel like since getting married things have changed so much. My home has become a place that only makes me sad and tired and feel gray and weak and pessimistic inside and even cold to the point where I just lay in bed with blankets over me. Nothing to do every single day but wait. Wait for Jake. Wait for work. Wait for bed time. Wait for food. Wait for my hot baths. Wait for when I can lay down for hours with no one looking. Not even enough strength to get up and go for a walk or do something productive.   

I can't decide if it's my marriage or if I'm depressed. I don't know how I truly feel yet about this diary thing. I feel like my privacy has been extremely invaded. It just makes me sad more than anything and Jake won't even apologize to me. He says I am being dramatic and silly and that I just need a good nap and I'll be okay. That he's just doing what is best for me and that he always will do just that and take care of me and make sure I never have to lift a finger in this world or have a job or go anywhere but the comfort of our home that he bought for us.. He wants me to stay home for fourth of July and not go anywhere and rest instead. I wish I could just go outside and walk in a straight line and never look back.   

P.s. my husband has been reading my diary and more than anything I am just filled with sadness and regret.