amelia

i am not okay.

i am not okay with being poor. with having embarrassing siblings. with my awful grades. with my bleak future. but i have to be.

i have to be so that the people i love and care about are okay. so they don't worry about me. my parents both have lots to worry about regarding finances, i don't want to be another problem they have to solve. i don't want to be a problem at all.

i am not defined by my problems. i choose not to bring them to conversations i have. i'm an optimist, and i think being an optimist makes everyone's days so much better. i love brightening up people's days. to see the smile on their face when i tell a joke. i love to write.

i am okay with all my problems because i have to be. this year i will work towards eliminating all my problems so i will stop cutting. stop staring at the bottle of my dad's pills he takes for his heart like i want to dump the bottle down my throat, feel my heart start to slow down and stop. but then what?

my parents aren't going to get any richer. my siblings would probably fall into the depression that i am in right now. my grades, my future? they don't even exist.

so, in suicide, there is no option to solve my problems, which means i will have to start to solve them myself. make life better for others. that is why i am writing this.

i want you to know, if you are even reading this, that you are not alone. millions suffer depression from millions of different causes. and it will get better. you do have the power to overcome your problems. i believe in you.

if you are okay, i am okay. we will overcome this together.