Alone

I was going to kill myself today.

Googled how to tie a hangman's noose, climbed up onto my bed, threw the cloth over one the blades of the ceiling fan. As a dark little kink, prior to this, I even tested the noose over my neck, looked at the mirror and pretended to see what I'd look like when I hanged myself.

But as I stood there on the bed, I started to cry because I realised how desperately I wanted someone, anyone to suddenly barge into the room, see me, hug me and tell me everything was going to be OK. But nothing like that happened. I just ended up standing on the bed, crying for a while and got back down again. No one was going to save me. My parents were sleeping in one room and my brother gaming in another. If I did hang myself, they'd probably notice it tomorrow when my mother would enter the room to sweep and notice my lifeless body hanging from above. She'd probably let out a blood curling scream and cry which would in turn wake my brother and my father and they might just stare in shock. During the funeral, they'd say things like "I didn't know she was depressed", "She would never open up to us, we didn't know what she was thinking". Then life, as life always does, will go on.

The only person still unhappy is me. Or was me anyway. The person standing on the edge of the bed hoping someone would notice she's depressed, that she's been depressed for years now, and would maybe say a few kind words, hold her and maybe not torment her for the things she refuses to do.