Alone

My whole life I never fit anywhere. I wasnt the pretty one, smart one or mean one. I was essentially a no one. I tried a lot to be a part of a team or a close knit group but each and every attempt was a disaster. No matter how good, kind or giving I was, I was never "good enough". I have over the years changed a lot my personality constantly changing, trying to emote a little part of the people I admired around me. Yet here I am no friends, no love and no one who cares about me. I am no saint, I have lied my ass off to look cool. I made a very elaborate fake love story to fit in with the people around me, while hoping and praying that I would actually one day fall in love and wont have to lie anymore. However even at the ripe old age of 25 I havent had a single guy say those 3 magically words to me. Infact the people who did kind of give me attention never caught my fancy so I left them out.

I guess being the only child I should have known I am always meant to rely on myself only. Yet I cringe to the hope of all fashion concepts like life long friends, true love, etc. I do have true love but only in the form of my parents for whom I am the "ideal daughter" But when they know I am nothing like they think i am then what? Would they still love me? So here I am alone on a saturday night, while most of my "ex-friends" are out there enjoying I am in here longing for a touch of care. I almost feel like crying and I miss my mother's loving arms around me which sheltered me from my own negative thoughts and loneliness. Some days are good days i feel confident and happy, I feel even on my on I am sufficient. After all this is why I left the cushion of comfort of my home in this cold city of Boston living with strangers. Then there are the really really bad days like today when I feel overwhelmed with life and all the burdens I am carrying on my own with no one to share.

Am I really this unlovable? Why is it that so many people just "like" me and dont have any emotions for me? I really really was there for a lot of people during there time of need but not one seem to be there when I need them. Why is the world so cold and heatless to be? I have given my all to everything, every relation but life has been so cruel that today I dont even trust the people who show me a little care.