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25/8

/ can someone talk to me about emotions pls why are some of my friends robots

24/8

/ anyone try to avoid reading 'close friends' instastories to avoid emotionally charged content? like i would love to be a listening ear but sometimes im not ready for it bec when i read them then i feel obliged to reply and when theyre sad i get sad and im all confused bec apparently i automatically absorb peoples emotions i cant turn it off and im just not ready to be sad too 

23/8

20/8

i often thought how i should apologise for not being around, apologise for leaving this space empty. but at the end of uni i figured i got so sick of apologising..i've realised how i apologised apologised apologised for the smallest darnest things..things that weren't my fault. or like now, so i won't apologise for just living my life.

17/8

i had kept so many people hoping for the best and they were all so optimistic about it. the feeling of just letting them down hurts. again and again and again. i dont think their disappointment in me is as extensive as my disappointment of sensing their disappointment in me. i cant help absorbing people's emotions, its just something i cant turn off. then my own emotions get clouded bec they're not actually that disappointed, but eventually everything feels the same - all emotions build up indefinitely and i feel it all, through my veins..a frenzied, snowballed mess - the disappointment in myself, coupled with the seemingly significant disappointment of others in me.

15/8

i need another one of my own little safe place..like the delifrance window counter at rendezvous in year 1, or the counter seats at soa. i have a thing for counter seats clearly..theres just something comforting about having a bit of natural light, a stool with a table against the wall, and doing my own thing.

8/8

when i write 'creative adventurer', most people would take the two, on face value, as separate entities. oh she's a 'creative' and an 'adventurer', they think. 'creative', maybe? id like to think so, but 'adventurer', like an 'outdoorsy lets do everything and anything' kind of adventurer...you think?? im laughing bec for someone who likes the comfort of my sofa and netflix 90% of the time, i am farrr from a 'lets go outdoors!' enthusiast. i wish i was though, theres so many things to see outside, im just plain lazy.

to me, 'creative adventure' is a blend. a creative adventure is about exploring depths of creativity, taking an adventure in creativity itself. because when you use your imagination, you never know what you might find ✨

4/8

i dont think i have a favourite emoji but if there was like a favourite smiley face it would be the one with the tear but smiling :') idk ive always felt like that was my perpetual situation like oh no it sucks and im internally sad but i guess im still smiling 

2/8

yesterday my family sat down to talk to me about why i seemed quieter. they clarified how it was all an unfortunate incident - the mixed up robe, my mums crazy job that kept her up at night (apparently she got a call from the school during the ceremony and was worried about some issues), the timing at night. so lesson #1 is that the world doesnt revolve around me. it wasnt how i imagined my graduation would be (i had wanted my own photo on my own graduation day), maybe i should have communicated my expectations to my family too. 

i also realised didnt need my family by my side knowing that they love me to actually come in the first place. that they had always been there, every step of the way. lesson #3 is that i should always know that, and that if i cant depend on anyone, i can at least depend on God. 

31/7

today was supposed to be happy. it felt far from that. i thought i had taken the wrong regalia because my sister and my colours were so similar..anw when i told my family abt it my sister went apeshit obviously and i basically felt sucky throughout because i thought i let everyone down. i managed to exchange it with the social science regalia but that wasnt the point. the depressing thing is that i had decorated my graduation cap with the words 'worthy', i had wanted to take a photo with it all day, only to realise how i didnt deserve it and i wasnt as worthy as i thought i was. i just wasnt in the mood to celebrate because i felt i made everyones life difficult and i didnt deserve anything.

this whole feeling of sucky was coupled w the fact that i was sitting with people i just wanted to stay away from..or those ive committed myself to stay away from..not like it was hard to, it was just the way it is. what made it worse was they were being the better version of themselves, all caring and sweet and everything, what i wished they were like as friends. it made me feel bad obviously because of all the shit ive said about them and i know theyre not all bad..but i guess i shouldnt forget why i committed to what i did. 

then i found out my family had gone home and my sister had left without taking a photo because she was angry. and because i had committed to distance myself from who i chose to, i suddenly felt lonely, as i should. the only people i had looked forward to having around was my family. but they were gone, punishing me for my carelessness. and as i looked around everyone else were taking photos and reuniting w their own families, it was heartbreaking. i felt abandoned. i felt i had no one.

at this point everything was way too much too handle. so i found myself crying in the toilet cubicle for the next 15-20 mins while listening to laughter and cheers outside. seemed depressing but it was quite nice actually.. maybe its bec wonderwall was playing in the bar next door so it felt like the tumblr-ish "song, but in the other room" type feels, which felt right. i just couldnt stop crying. there were too many things going on that reminded me if how unworthy i was, the things i had looked forward to from the start was all a big fat joke.

the rest of the evening a friend's family sort of adopted me and i hung out with them for awhile.. they were the sweetest. still i couldnt help but still feel sucky about myself.

by then my sister texts and it turns out i actually did take the right regalia, just that my colour was bad and didnt look like everyone elses for some reason. but it didn't matter to me anymore..i just wanted my family and my best friend with me. and they werent there.

im still trying to figure out what all of this means..taking away the people i love on what was meant to be a special day seemed cruel but maybe i did deserve it for whatever ive done

26/7

i cant believe im graduating in like what..5 days? as the day draws closer more and more memories of what ive been through started to resurface every now and then. each night theres just flashes of memory of what i did..some happy some sad, some difficult. some i didnt want to remember but its always there. most of these memories tho, came from the time i was a leader. that leadership phase..i kept thinking if whatever i did was right or if i did it to the best of my abilities. i thought how maybe i might have been better off not taking on the role that maybe id be a better person. and how maybe people deserved a better leader.

meawhile in another dimension dian number 2 who didnt choose that route is sitting in her hermit shell. she seems like plain jane dian at first, but has actually taken on other challenges god knows what. somehow shes also been through a tough time, in other ways. as im looking at her, shes arriving at the same path where dian number 1 now stands. shes smiling at me, and for some reason i have a feeling shes saying something around the lines of..we're wherever we're always meant to be. 

25/7

i havent really reflected today..not sure why. im not sure if its bec i didnt need to or if i was surrounded by too many people or was too focused on self-image to have time to collect my thoughts.

now that im here, reflecting on the fact that my internship may have to be extended, idk how to feel exactly..i know i took the time to start applying for jobs which was probably accelerated by the fact i needed to use my time more wisely now that i had less lf a time than i expected. so yeah its probably mixed feelings. im sad that i dont get to experience a full restful time..and im happy i guess or maybe more of content that i get to use my time for extra money? idk. idk if i want to face those people as they keep asking me abt my job.. ending this internship was supposed to be a poetic ending and closure to all where it began. extending it seemed to devalue the meaning behind the closure somehow..but i trust Him. ive always trusted Him and His reasons. it has always been right. all i can do is tawakkal.

22/7

a few months ago i was applying for literally everything i saw that i felt was a "dream job" bec i had no clue what i was going to do..i only know that it definitely had to be meaningful and i need to have a sense of purpose...a very vague idea, clearly. i guess i thought that whichever job chose me, that it would be the one that would eventually lead me to the yellow brick road.

...apparently not. apparently, a job is not like getting a wand from ollivanders and having 'the wand choose you'. apparently, if you wanted to do something with your life you dont wait for it to come to you, you set out to go for it. i had too many dreams on my list that everything became such a blur, but the couple of months in my internship this summer has allowed me to sit back and think about the values that i hold close to me, the ones i wanted to have in a career to be truly happy.

a big one would be human interaction. sitting at the desk all day just wasnt something i enjoyed. i just wanted to talk to people, not in the center of attention sense, but in a nurturing sense. and i know i can be so freaking awkward but for some reason im less awkward w young people. in this internship, most of my colleagues were ex-teachers and AEDs. it seemed like both the internships ive done so far always revolved around that, i can't help but think it's a sign.

i also realised that i valued autonomy. i really wanted my own space to be able to do what i want. i wanted that independence to create my own materials and decide my own time. i value aesthetics and beauty - visual art. i did, think about writing and illustrating children's books because i was so inspired after having a taste in illustrator and wanted to do more..but the idea seemed more like a "retirement dream plan" than an actual practical career. also i had seen some of my friend's works which were beyond exceptional and the theories of design that they had learnt which i had only taken as a mere hobby..it didnt seem like a route i deserved to be in, but they did because of the studying theyve done. it also didnt seem to be in line with my value of human interaction. so thats one idea set aside...for now.

i thought about art therapy, which seemed really cool until i realised the prospects were limited - it wasnt as common as speech therapy or special ed. this internship has really helped me looked into myself and my values oh god i sound like im doing my internship reflection alll over agai- but its trueee it really is. the amount of muhasabah thats been going around lately is peaking and i am nothing but grateful for it, alhamdulillah.

and i think until i reach that moment of certainty of what i really want to do with my life and know what i really want, my emerald city would be waiting ahead, and everything would just fall into place, and feel right. inshaAllah.

19/7

a friend told me about how most people had issues with toxic people this year too..maybe its something about being 23..the curse of 23 is real

18/7

/ seriously considering renaming my username to thesadcandle

/ looking back, if i could say something to her, i want to say that im not antagonising her. i just feel sorry for her that she reacts this way, maybe because there wasnt enough affirmation in her life. everyone has their own struggles and i shouldnt pit people as heroes or villains. i just pray for her that she finds satisfaction and peace in all her endeavours.

/ why are you hoping that im inferior to you and hoping my room is messier, shldnt it be more motivating if my room is cleaner, so you can also do the same? but to her, seeing another persons downfall is what makes her feel better..thats not hoping the best for the person, thats keeping you around so you can feel better about yourself..

sometimes i feel if i shld have said something to get her to realise it..but i realise now that peoples reactions are not my responsibility. my responsibility is my own decisions and how i treat others.

/ im too nice and i see the best in people, thats why i attract toxic ppl. so this is me putting my foot down and leaving for good.

17/7

/ friends what friends i dont have any friends

/ im coming up w a close friends list and yknw whats depressing? knowing that the ppl youre supposedly close to is not in that list bec youve been friends w toxic ppl and rn im trying to dissociate all of them in my life

how am i only realising this now when people have figured it out since forever..i have so much growing up to do..if u have any other life tips i need to knw pls share

its sucky when you realise youve been associating yourself w someone whos a dick but keep talking to them bec youve known them for 10 years and you literally cant do anything bec theyre part of your history

maybe its bec ive been too nice. maybe i see the good in people too much. or maybe it comes from my desire to distinguish myself from my twin, to not depend on her for anything. to be my own person. to not have her as my only friend bec it feels pathetic

im slowly distancing myself from these people in my life but i also hope i find another group of friends who actually gives a shit. i think i knw how to be more discerning nw abt the people i meet..i hope

i cant tell it to their face bec im a coward and hate to hurt feelings..sucks to be me i guess

i dont wanna cut ties with people.. bec i know thats not what muslims do. silaturrahim is about keeping relationships and if you know that person is bad for you, we keep our distance, we say hi and bye and be the best example we can be when with them

and i cant even talk to the friends that i 0supposedly trust and want to add as close friends bec we all have common friends w friends who i want to dissociate myself from

God pls get these toxic ppl out of my life. pls let me be find a company of friends that mean better and are more genuine. i just want real genuine company who will appreciate and know u and just genuinely care for u and not treat u like a freaking commodity

and yknw what i dont even care anymore if they come across this or read this and learn it the hard way..i want to say i honestly dont give a shit but i think i still do..im a little much for some and not enough for others so i dont care anymore

/ take it day by day, dian, day by day

16/7

/ working on a post to summarse my entire uni life and its so hard to write everything..i only knw how im gonna end it

/ they say that youre made up of the 5 people that youre closest too. so you knw what i really think? you knw what i have no courage to say to her face? i honestly hate that i kept close to her. that i told her my problems to her and depended on her like a naive little girl who was just lonely and needed a friend. the irony is i wouldnt have met any other people if it wasnt for her..idk dian maybe you have to give it to yourself youre a nice person too? the more i spend time w her the more i get so annoyed for no reason. and i just cant rid of her because shes part of my history so im so upset but now im so freaking glad i dont have to see her as frequently.

and yes im not perfect either and i know that im an asshole a freaking judgmental asshole and im working on it. trust me, ive been looking for a switch to flip that asshole judgmental vibe off for SO LONG but i cant turn it off because i realise im not a freaking saint i am just human. so i just have to continually remind myself that. but what i cant stand is people who arent self aware that theyre assholes. for gods sake look into yourself.

and if shes reading this..shit. im sorry you had to find it out this way. i really am. i wish i had the courage to say it to you but its so hard because of everything we've been through. i know its awful ranting about someone else and i take responsibility for my lack of courage.

shes a good friend. she has a strengths and shes smart and accomplished. and sometimes she really understands and has good intentions. but i just. idk i just wish her the best. im just glad im liberated from all this and im on my way to finding me.

15/7

/ i knw i sound like a freaking millenial but theres no data now and IT IS LONELY WITHOUT THE INTERNET

/ bought a book w black pages to remind me that wherever there is darkness, i can always create light

13/7

/ its funny how all the celebrities i really like dont have social media so i cant follow them - alicia vikander, emily blunt, saoirse ronan, natalie portman. but then again thats exactly why i love them.

/ when youre talking to genuine people, it feels different. it feels like they actually give a shit. like they actually care. when youre talking to _____, somehow theres something that theyre always unsatisfied about, that your core being is what makes them upset when literally you did nothing but be yourself. somehow they always want to be better than you when i honestly dont freaking care

11/7

its so comfortable being alone

10/7

/ lol the lights at work just flickered on and off and i immediately thought the mindflayer is here im not kidding also if anyone asks me where im working im just going to say scoops ahoy

/ used smu matric card to tap on workplace door and for the longest time i asked myself why didnt it open lol dumb

9/7

/ literally this morning i narrated my life in third person like a director of a movie in a behind the scenes feature explaining a character's actions in a directors voice sth like "and this is where we start to see, her character, really embracing her true self, coming to terms with what she's been through.."

8/7

/ omg i only have 15 days left and i got so much to do cries

/ nts: there is no ranking, or whos better or more developed in this or that. everyone is facing their own battles. there is no need to keep score. someone who is more principled may face other issues. someone who is more emotional may have their own strengths in other ways.

maybe sharing my journey is part of embracing it

/ am i the only one who gets scared when i see like men's shoes outside musollah like i think "shit its a guy i cant gel with guys" then i run and hide and hope he doesnt see me bec im freaking awkward

7/7

ive been told, time and again, that this is me

i apologised to a door when it hit me yesterday. i apologise to the freaking telekung when it fell onto the floor. and as always i ask myself why the heck im like this

3/7

feeling content today theres so many things to be grateful for~

this opportunity, my family, my friends, the people around me.

1/7

/ wow. everytime i look at someones accomplishments and life i suddenly get so affected. not in the material success sense but in the ability to get things done sense, and their grit and passion. how the hell do they do that. theres so many people out there better than me. its sad but idk. it makes me think what im doing with my life and if im even doing anything good or productive. i mean, i know people have their own struggles.

/ maybe the reason why ive been so difficult to criticism is because i feel like people shouldnt help me, i can help myself. but i need to receive help with humility.

30/6

/ theyre the girls who had crooked or gap teeth but didnt give a shit about it. they know how to be fun, and goofy, and kind. their speech is often rushed, excited, and have an endearing laughter and sense of humour idk where they come up w things. theyre intelligent and never loud about it, theyre just themselves. i never saw them sad or disappointed, they always seemed to sound uplifted. but they somehow are, harbouring it all inside them perhaps.

i wished i was like them. i wished i had their imagination. their state of mind. the irony is that someone like them would say that you shouldn't be anyone but your truest self. im getting there.

/ it had become a burial ground for all my thoughts, unknowingly written to prove sth. sth that meant nothing.

/ im sad. but its a happy kind of sad. the sad where you realise your flaws. where youre on your way to fix them. the sad where you finally accept them as part of who you are. where you realise even aft all the shit you did you can reclaim your humility. just focus on you. and inshaAllah, youll get there.

/ its strange. how i sometimes long for company so much, then when i get it or approached by it i want to retreat and avoid it all. i leave the conversations unread, until i feel like getting back to it. yet i long for someone to talk to me.

/ its 11pm. i look at my unread messages and think sometimes im not ready to face it all. i think if these people were genuinely reaching out to me, or if i was going to be used, as part of their plan. sometimes therell be people who you know theyre real. sometimes i dont even know if im willing to give a part of myself yet.

28/6

yesterday, as i went into the lift with just my matric card, without my phone and nothing else i imagined what would happen if the lift just broke down and i was stuck there, alone, with no form of communication to the world outside. i thought it would be neat, to see if anyone would come to the rescue or of anyone else cared.