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Sexuality: pre-teens and teenagers
Sexuality is a part of who your child is and who they’ll become. Sexuality develops and changes throughout your child’s life. Feeling comfortable with their sexuality and sexual identity is essential to your child’s healthy development.
Sexuality isn’t just about sex. It’s also about how your child:
Your child’s beliefs and expectations about sex and sexuality are influenced by their personal experiences, upbringing and cultural background.
You’re your child’s most important role model. You can help your child by modelling and reinforcing values and beliefs about safety, responsibility, honest communication and respect in relationships by treating your partner with respect and talking about how to stay safe.
Most teenagers will experiment with sexual behaviour at some stage – this is a normal, natural and powerful urge in these years. But not all teenage relationships include sex.
Teenagers are also maturing emotionally and socially. They might want romantic intimacy and ways to express love and affection. And they might be curious and want to explore adult behaviour.
Some teenagers are sexually attracted to people of the opposite sex, some are attracted to people of the same sex, and some are bisexual. Some teenagers might express no sexual interest.
Sexual attraction and sexual identity aren’t the same. Young people who are same-sex attracted might or might not identify as gay, lesbian or bisexual. They might identify as heterosexual or pansexual.
Sexual attraction is also different from gender identity, which is a person’s sense of who they are – male, female, both or neither. Gender identity might or might not be reflected in a young person’s sexual orientation and their choices about romantic or sexual partners.
Your child’s sexuality might be different from yours or from your expectations. But if you can accept your child’s sexuality, it’s good for your child’s healthy development – and for your relationship with your child.
Your child will learn about sexuality at school, talk about it with friends, and get information about it online and through social media. But young people do trust the information they get from their parents.
If you talk about sex and sexuality with your child, it will help them sort through the many messages they get about sexuality from other sources. It can also help your child make positive, safe and informed choices, now and in the future.
These conversations might not feel comfortable at first, but you can make them easier by:
It’s normal for you and your child to feel awkward when you’re talking about sex and sexuality. Our article on handling difficult conversations has ideas for managing those uncomfortable moments.
Here are some ideas and strategies to make it easier to talk with your child about sexuality.
Start conversations early
There’s no perfect time to start talking about sexuality, but conversations from a young age can help your child understand that sex and sexuality are a normal, healthy part of life. Early conversations can help make later ones easier.
Be prepared
Your child might ask you all sorts of questions, so it’s good to check your understanding of puberty, periods, contraception, wet dreams, masturbation and more.
It might also help to think in advance about your values and beliefs so you can be clear and consistent with your child. For example, if your child feels confused about their feelings for someone and asks you about same-sex attraction, responding positively and non-judgmentally is a good first step. So sorting out your own feelings about this issue in advance is a good idea.
Talk about the really important stuff
There are some things it’s really important for every young person to understand:
Choose your words carefully
It’s important to pitch your language and terminology at a level that’s right for your child.
Read your child’s signals
Look out for signs that show that now isn’t the right time for a ‘big talk’, like when your child is busy, tired or distracted. You can always try again later.
It’s a good idea to make your ground rules clear to your child from very early on – that way, your child will understand your values and expectations about behaviour. For example, a rule might be that your child treats others with respect and always checks on consent before and during sexual activity. But with other, less important issues, you might choose to negotiate with your child and set the boundaries together, so they feel involved and listened to.
Talking about sex and sexuality is just as important for children with additional needs.
Your child needs information that’s relevant to them in a way they can understand. When you’re talking about sexuality with your child with additional needs, consider their:
Autistic teenagers develop sexually in the same way as other teenagers do, but they might need extra help to build the social skills and understanding that go along with sexual development. Our article on sexual development and autistic teenagers explains.
Parents and experts talk about sexuality for autistic young people. You’ll hear why it’s a good idea to talk about sexuality before children start thinking about sex. You’ll also get tips and ideas to help you talk to your autistic child about sexuality and changing relationships in a way your child can understand.
This article was developed in collaboration with the Centre for Adolescent Health, Royal Children’s Hospital, Melbourne.
Afifi, T., Joseph, A., & Aldeis, D. (2008). Why can’t we just talk about it? An observational study of parents’ and adolescents’ conversations about sex. Journal of Adolescent Research, 23, 689-721. doi: 10.1177/0743558408323841.
Grossman, J.M., Jenkins, L.J., & Richer, A.M. (2018). Parents’ perspectives on family sexuality communication from middle school to high school. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health,15(1),107. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph15010107.
Kang, M., & Rosenthal, D. (2014). Adolescents. In M. Temple-Smith (Eds), Sexual health: A multidisciplinary approach (pp. 221-233). Melbourne: IP Communications.
Lim, M.S.C., Agius, P.A., Carrotte, E.R., Vella, A.M., & Hellard, M.E. (2017). Young Australians’ use of pornography and associations with sexual risk behaviours. Australian and New Zealand Journal of Public Health, 41, 438-443. doi: 10.1111/1753-6405.12678.
Mitchell, A., Patrick, K., Heywood, W., Blackman, P., & Pitts, M. (2014). National survey of Australian secondary students and sexual health 2013. Melbourne: Australian Research Centre in Sex, Health and Society, La Trobe University. Retrieved 23 March 2021 from http://www.redaware.org.au/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/31631-ARCSHS_NSASSSH_FINAL-A-3.pdf.
Ogle, S., Glasier, A., & Riley, S. (2008). Communication between parents and their children about sexual health. Contraception, 77, 283-288. doi: 10.1016/j.contraception.2007.12.003.
Robinson, K.H., Bansel, P., Denson, N., Ovenden, G., & Davies, C. (2014). Growing up queer: Issues facing young Australians who are gender variant and sexuality diverse. Melbourne: Young and Well Cooperative Research Centre. Retrieved 23 March 2021 from https://www.twenty10.org.au/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/Robinson-et-al.-2014-Growing-up-Queer.pdf.
Sex education and talking with children about sex: 9-11 years
Talking about sex plays a big role in children’s sex education and sexual development. Find out how to talk with older kids about sex, sexuality and bodies.
Child sexual abuse: talking to teenagers
Talking about child sexual abuse helps teens stay safe and understand what abuse looks like. It’s important to talk about consent, respect and saying no.
Pornography: talking about it with teenagers 12-18 years
Many teenagers have seen pornography. You can help protect your teenage child from the possibly damaging effects of pornography by talking openly about it.
Sexting is making and sharing sexual material via social media or online. Help teens make responsible choices by talking about respect and sexting risks.
Social and emotional changes in pre-teens and teenagers
Adolescence is a time of big social changes and emotional changes for your child. Here’s what to expect and how to support your child through the changes.
Staying connected: you and your teenage child
Staying connected with your teenage child is about building closeness through everyday activities. Get practical tips for positive relationships with teens.
Raising Children Network is supported by the Australian Government. Member organisations are the Parenting Research Centre and the Murdoch Childrens Research Institute with The Royal Children’s Hospital Centre for Community Child Health.
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© 2006-2021 Raising Children Network (Australia) Limited. All rights reserved.
Warning: This website and the information it contains is not intended as a substitute for professional consultation with a qualified practitioner.
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