UPDATED When Friendship Hurts: How to Deal with Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You by Jan Yager (Goodreads Author) read txt on iphone

UPDATED When Friendship Hurts: How to Deal with Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You by Jan Yager (Goodreads Author) read txt

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Book description
Highlights:Recognizing a harmful friendship (P.56)1. Is your friend trustworthy?2. Does your friend return your phone calls?3. Does your friend always keep appointments or meetings and promises?5. Do you enjoy listening to your friend?7. Is your friend someone you are proud of?8. Is your friendship based on who you both are now, rather than on what you were when you first became friends?9. After you see your friend, do you find yourself thinking, wow, I am glad that we are friends?10. Does your friend respect your boundaries and your privacy?Number 8 really opened my eyes. It is important for all relationships that it is in the present. Positive friendship (P.57)1. You like (or love) each other2. You have fun together3. You share confidences, activities, talking, and/or emotional support4. Trust, honesty, and loyalty are expected5. There is little or no jealousy6. Competitiveness is minimal and healthy7. Contact is as frequent as both need and want8. Confidences are kept9. Gossip is nonexistent or extramely rare10. Friends are not used or put in compromising position11. Promises are kept12. Borrowed items are returned13. Tact is practiced14. Honesty is essential but not misused for hurtful reasons15. The friendship is flexible, changing as situations or needs change or shift for one or both friends because of school, career, or personal reasons16. No matter how busy each friend gets, the friendship is still a priority concern17. Each friend is there for the other, in fair or foul weather18. You have a lot in common but enough that is different to make the relationship interesting19. The relationship is equalNegative or destructive friendship (P.58)1. Jealousy is rapant2. Competitiveness is excessive3. Secrets are shared without permission outside of the friendship4. Borrowed money or items are not returned5. Promises are broken6. Poor excuses are offered for failing to get together7. One or both friends brag to others about the friendship for opportunistic reasons8. The friendship is rigid and inflexible, with attempts to maintain the status quo despite predictable and normal shifts or changes that make new demands on each friend9. The friendship is low priority10. Conversations are strained or unpleasant11. Even if you once had fun with your friend, its now a relationship of duty rather than enjoyment12. The sharing of activities, emotional support, or confidences is rare or one-sided13. The relationship is unequal(P.79)Friendship, like romance, is, after all the analysis is over, based on feeling, a strong feeling that arises because of that inexplicalbe element known as chemistry.Affirmations to reinforce your decision to end a friendship (P.128)1. I have tried my best, but I cannot change this negative friendship3. I am a nice person, and I do not come to this decision lightly4. I will end this friendship in as kind and compassionate a way as I can, but I will stick to my decision to end it5. I am not a vindictive or cruel person. I am doing this because I think it is better for me6. I know my friend may not agree with my decision and may try to convince me to continue our friendship. But I have to do what my considered judgment tell me is preferred7. I will not gossip about my friend or about our failed friendship8. I will respect my friends secrets and privacy after the friendship ends, just as I expect my friend to respect mine9. When the friendship is ended, i will avoid obsessing over my decision10. I will give myself time to grieve and mourn this failed friendship11. Ending one destructive friendship does not mean that I have a pattern of harmful friendship in my life12. I am entitled to have upbeat, positive, and trustworthy friendships13. I have learned a lot from this failed friendshipCoping after the friendship ends by asking these questions (P.132)1. Why am I obsessing about this friendship?2. what is obsessing about this failed friendship stopping me from doing? Seeking out new friends? Forgiving myself foe the end of the friendship? Taking responsibility for the part I played in the end?8. Have I tried writing down my thoughts about this former friend and out friendship as a way of working through my unresolved feelings aobut what happened?Other ways to work on friendship issues (P.172)1. Take adult education classes2. Join support groups3. Bibliotherapie - books4. Cinematherapy - movies, allow yourself to cry can be very helpful5. Ventilation writing - write whatever, must destroy it afterwards6. Journaling - write four pages each morning, dont stop until you do7. (My favorite) Physicalizing - like penciling somebodys name on the bottom of your sneakers and pounding them on the floor. Theres a lot of good information on this approach in Growing Yourself back up, by John Lee, and Peter Levines Waking the tiger. It is relly all about completing the impulse to fight or to take flight. We are taught not to express our feelings, to close down. So you allow yourself to complete the process.Time for friends (P.174)1. Make it s priority to schedule time to get together2. Take a class together or create a club that meets regularly3. Volunteer together4. Plan a friends night out5. Spend B-day or holiday time together6. If you live far away, schedule reunions or vacations together7. If you work nearby, meet for lunch8. If you are both too busy to visit or call, send an email or a letter9. When you do get together, schedule your next get-together10. Remember that friendshifts happen. Allow for those changes so your friendship can continue even if the level of intimacy or frequency of contact is different than before********************A big lesson I learned from reading this book is that friendship needs to be in the present. Simply remembering the good old time does not cut it. The signs for positive and negative friendships are very helpful for me to recognize good and bad friendships. The affirmation is very good for me to get out of the mourning phase faster, and not to be stricken in guilt for a failed friendship. I will probably do some of the suggestions, such as ventilation writing and journaling, to work though the issues completely. All in all a very helpful book!
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UPDATED When Friendship Hurts: How to Deal with Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You by Jan Yager (Goodreads Author) read txt on iphone

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