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Q: My 12-year-old daughter recently told me that she "likes girls." I asked her what that meant to her, and she said that she didn't know and didn't understand herself. Could you guide me in helping my child identify her sexuality?
A: The Help for Families panel says it is a good thing that your daughter felt comfortable enough to come to you.
"Youth at this age know if they feel different from what is usual," says panelist Amber Brown. "Don't put a solid label on what they are. That she is coming to a parent with this shows tremendous courage and trust."
She says any child who identifies as LGBT is at higher risk if she is rejected by her parents.
"Support this child by educating her about all the options out there," Brown says. "She is the same person she was before she came out."
She says statistics show 1 in 10 people do not identify as heterosexual, and children in sixth and seventh grades are coming out.
"Tons of people have gone through this before," she says. "React positively. How parents respond can pull apart or build a stronger relationship."
Developmentally at 12, she is just starting to find out who she is, says panelist Joanne Nigito-Raftas.
"You don't have to have all the answers," Nigito-Raftas says.
Don't overreact, says panelist Denise Continenza. Try to find out what it means.
"Mom doesn't have to agree," Continenza says. "But she is her own person. It's neat she invited you into her life to work through this [possible] transition."
There is a great level of trust shown here, says panelist Michael Daniels.
"As a parent, you should be applauded for asking what does that mean," he says. "It's important to be non-judgmental and acknowledge you are not perfect. You can help guide her and she'll learn: My mom doesn't know everything, and that's OK."
Use "active listening" when talking to her, says panelist Suzanne Mulhern.
"Say, 'What I'm hearing you say is … ,'" she says.
Be a role model to help her find answers, she says.
Kids know when you are being genuine, says panelist Chad Stefanyak. There is nothing wrong with admitting you don't have the answers. But show you are willing to do research with her.
Brown says there are support groups in middle school and lots of resources online.
The largest group is PFLAG, (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). See pflag.org and find a local chapter.
Local resources are The Bradbury-Sullivan LGBT Community Center in Allentown, and the Unitarian Universalist Church in Bethlehem and its Haven GLBT Youth Group.
"You need to have an open mind to get all the resources you need," says panelist Wanda Mercado-Arroyo.
Parenting experts and guest panelists who helped this week:
Pam Wallace, program coordinator for Project Child, a program of Valley Youth House.
Chad Stefanyak, school psychologist, Lehigh County.
Denise Continenza, family living specialist for Penn State's Lehigh County Cooperative Extension, South Whitehall Township.
Amber Brown, education and training manager, Planned Parenthood Keystone, Reading
Suzanne Mulhern, The Arc of Lehigh & Northampton Counties, Bethlehem.
Joanne Nigito-Raftas, registered play therapist and parenting educator, Bethlehem.
Michael Daniels, adolescent and attachment therapist, Bethlehem.
Wanda Mercado-Arroyo, former Lehigh Valley educator/administrator.
Help for Families is a collaboration between The Morning Call and parenting professionals brought together by Valley Youth House's Project Child.
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Teen Daughter Lesbian