TOP The Journey of Desire: Searching for the Life We Always Dreamed of by John Eldredge txt online reading

Book description

Book description
I bought this book on a whim and it has been one of those reads that really found me instead of the other way around. There is really no way for me to review this book because I think that Christian literature meets you in the place that youre at and the transformation that your heart undergoes is dependent on where your heart is at that starting point. This book has met me at a low point, but if you understand how low that point is youll understand how great a blessing the book is. So this book review will probably read more like a journal entry than anything else. Very sorry for that. And sorry for the candid vulnerability that might show through. Vulnerability isnt comfortable, but to talk about this book is to let myself be vulnerable. I hate that.Lately Ive been feeling like I have absolutely no worth in the eyes of other people. And I mean NO WORTH. Underappreciated, misunderstood, not taken seriously, ignored, displaced, just plain not measuring up to peoples ideals or my own yardstick, letting down God....the repeating theme here is not being good enough. So I started questioning my place and all the relationships in my life. Things I was sure about I started questioning and the worst part is that I began to think of my own needs and desires as being the furthest thing from anyones consideration or care and definately something God was ignoring. I was so upset I stopped hearing (or listening for)Gods voice and guidance. That was devastating because I rarely dont hear His voice and ever since the day I loved Jesus Hes given me the uncanny knack of being able to distinguish Him from all the white noise around me. Thats why Ive always been so sure of myself and my relationships and where I was headed in my own life. I had to take a step back from those things so that I could A) build myself back up because I knew darn well that nobody else would help me, B)get some perspective and make some decisions and C)find His voice again so that I could be still and know that Hes God. Then I took a direction I feel guilty about and have only took once before. Instead of fighting through the pain and frustration and putting on a happy face I took to flight. Suddenly, making others a priority when they only make me an option seemed unhealthy and unfair. I put others off to allow myself time to think. It wasnt an easy thing to do, but a friend of mine that I was talking to about all of this said that although they wouldnt give me advice they would tell me what they were hearing and what they were hearing is that in one case I was putting my hope in others and in the other I would be putting more of it in God. Wanting to focus on God first and then all the relationships, I decided to start with finding things to help me hear Him again. Reading helps and thats when I found this book. It definately wasnt the type of book I was looking for (I bought four others as well)but it was what I needed.The basic message of this book is that the greatest human tragedy is to give up the search for what our hearts truly desire because it causes us to lose hope. We all have longings and the knowledge that all is not as it should be, yet our reaction isnt to embrace our desires and cultivate them. Instead, we kill our desires because they seem too perfect, too great to accomplish, too good for us or think them unobtainable and then deny those longings and desires and call it the path to maturity and sanctification. We do this because to allow ourselves to desire something more can cause deep pain and disappointment. We let ourselves just get by and then we get used to it. We deny ourselves joy and passion and the true contentment and peace that God wants and designed for us to have. We are desire. Jesus was desire. And nothing worth accomplishing or having or holding was ever done without desire. Isnt our greatest discontent and unhappiness, our lack of fulfillment, and our pain and sorrows all stem from our desire to have soemthing and not have it? In John 10:10 Jesus says, I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. Not all desire is sin. Desire is essential to bringing us life. This book is saying that when we bury our desires, we are saying to God that we think Hes too hard-hearted to give us our desires even though thats exactly what Hes invited us to do. When we bury our desires or ignore them and call it maturity or sanctification, its really godlessness. To live with desire is to choose vulnerability over self-protection; to admit our desire and seek help beyond ourselves is even more vulnerable. It is an act of trust. In other words, those who know their desire and refuse to kill it, or refuse to act as though they dont need help, they are the ones who live by faith. Those who do not ask do not trust God enough to desire. They have no faith. The deepest moral issue is always what we, in the heart of hearts, believe about God. And nothing reveals this belief as clearly as what we do with our desire.I believe that quote. I think this book holds some basic truths. I was up almost all night for the past two nights contemplating what my desires are and telling them to God. I want my faith to be worth something. And so Im going to be vulnerable. Here are my desires:1. My greatest desire is to be a godly woman. My immediate desire for my relationship with Christ is to hear His voice more clearly and to have the strength to follow Him. I want to give Him control (and that is definately something that I have a hard time handing over). I desire to put Him first and find my worth and identity in Him.2. Family relationships. I desire to forgive and be forgiven. I want to feel the love of my family. I hope it wont always be dependent on what I can do for them or what they hope to get out of me. Most of the time I feel like they only love me when they need me and that Im only as good as how much I can give. In five years Ive gained the love of three children and been mom to them in many ways, but other than that I still dont feel any better or accepted or loved. I want a healthier family dynamic. My desire is to feel about them the way I did ten years ago. Like we meant the world to one another, loved one another and would go to the ends of the earth for one another.3. I feel selfish just writing it, but I feel the desire to stop trying to fix the addicts and recovering addicts in my life. There are too many of them and their needs are too great for me to handle on my own. And I keep getting handed that responsibility over and over again. Its hard to set up boundaries (let alone a life for yourself)when you have so many that you love with that kind of need of healing. And Im good at filling those needs and helping them get healed over time with an abundance of love and patience. Yet, there is great cost to me to do it. Im a bad person for desiring to not do it anymore.4. Having a part in the lives of children. Children tend to love me and I love them right back. Unlike many adults, a child doesnt have to be of my own body to be loved like my own child (helping to raise three has taught me that). At work there is a lot of love. I walk into work thinking about them, excited to see them, bursting with anticipation at what needs of theirs I can meet that day. I dont hesitate at building them up and loving them and letting them know it. And the more damaged the child the more I love them. Most people dont love the troubled ones, but those are the ones I gravitate to naturally and the ones that come to me too. Especially the young lads. They remind me of Dalton, I suppose. If I ever have my own kids Ill consider it a blessing, but if I dont I wont consider my life any less blessed. God gave me the ability to make the worlds kids my own and I intend to do it. Why, just yesterday one of the little boys came up behind me after months of not seeing me, hoisted himself up for the most loving of hugs. He just rested his little face in the crook of my neck and held on. So trusting. So loving. One of the other kids even asked him if I were his mommy. 5. Friendships. I desire lasting relationships where the love I show them is reciprocated. I just dont feel valued. Or like I have any worth in their lives. Lately it seems like they dont have the time or the desire for me. I do have needs, but it feels like they want me when they want their needs met but not when I have need of their friendship. I want friends that truly love me. Friends that see the good and the bad and still want me around. Friends that actually ask me questions about me and my life when were together. Friends that put in the time and effort even when they dont necessarily feel like it. Its kind of sad, but I know a lot about my friends when they know very little about me. I know Im a gaurded person, but after trust is established Ill tell them just about anything they might want to know. Some know a few little things, but they dont know the big things like why and how I became a Christian or the influence Dalton has had on my life....why I love him so much that I cant just walk away. They dont know how Ive felt about the last ten years or the last intense five years. They dont ever ask about me (not even a simple question about how my day went) and what else am I to conclude but that they dont find me worth the time or effort. I desire good friendships. Im not trying to seem superior when I say that Ill do just about anything for my friends when they need something. Ill stay up all night trying to show them love and meet their needs. Why doesnt anyone do that for me???6. Romance. I do want a husband. Ill admit that. It never seemed important before, but when youve opened Pandoras box and youve experienced feelings you never knew you could have you cant completely shut that again. And it sucks. I dont measure up and I never will. I want to be the type of wife God intends for a man to have and I want a husband. Thats hard.So thats it. Vulnerable, right?
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