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TOP Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives by Pia Mellody kindle review wiki free pocket

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In my life I’ve encountered so many people who try to manipulate and control me. Ever since I was a little girl, I hated these “games.” I thought, “Why can’t people just be real with each other?” As I got older, I became aware of the word. According to Wikipedia, “The codependent party exhibits behaviour which controls, makes excuses for, pities, and takes other actions to perpetuate the obviously needy partys condition, because of their desire to be needed and fear of doing anything that would change the relationship.” In a way, I guess, it was a relief. Like, “That’s the problem! It’s them—not me. I’m okay.” However, I’ve repeatedly had key people in my life make me feel not okay—even people I cared about. I ended up feeling like a victim, powerless to resolve these relationship problems. I decided to try to understand this codependent label so that maybe I could have some compassion, as well as some relationship tools. So, I picked up Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody. Because codependence is not officially a disorder or disease in the DSM-IV, the author uses her personal experience, as well as working therapeutically with countless people with similar characteristics, to define it. She characterizes codependence as a continuum of dysfunctional behaviors arising from a lack of dynamic boundaries between self and other. What I discovered was—GASP—that I was on that continuum!Based on the title of the book, Pia Mellody accomplishes her goal: she makes you face codependence. This really helped me to begin to see how I victimize myself and some aspects of myself that need attention. However intrigued I was by her perspective, it didn’t entirely fit my worldview. The main thing that bothered me was that the scope of how she defined abuse was so broad that we all must be perpetrators. I think, perhaps, if she had given as many, if not more, examples of what health looks like, it would have provided us wounded adults with some tools so that we’re not just facing codependence, but also embracing functionality.The author recommends starting to figure out what work you need to do in a very honest manner and then join a 12-Step Program. While I believe it is important to have supportive people around you when you’re making difficult changes, something about the 12-Step Program doesn’t sit right with me. I think it is the premise, “Once an addict (or codependent), always an addict (or codependent). Sure, we are always working on our stuff, but saying that we are always in a state of recovery puts people in the negative. It reminds me of original sin—that we are sinners, and personally, I just don’t like that idea. My opinion aside, 12-Step Programs help countless people, so there must be a lot of good in them. Perhaps her accompanying workbook, Breaking Free goes into how one can begin to identify and work through codependency. This just doesn’t seem to be the approach for me.
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