Secret Father Daughter Intimate Relationships

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How a dad shapes his daughter’s lifelong relationship with love
“Do you think Dad is having an affair?” I asked my mother one day, after he’d spent another late evening at work with an attractive co-worker.
I was maybe 14 or 15 at the time — an age when kids are well aware of their parents’ shortcomings.
“Of course not,” she said. “You know your father; he likes to help people.”
My dad did like to help people. Still, years later, both my mother and I discovered that we didn’t know him all that well. He had been cheating on her back then, just as my second husband had cheated on me — an unfortunate kind of mother-daughter bonding. She told me of his infidelity, which she’d only recently discovered, just as I was about to divorce for the second time, at midlife; my mom, then in her 70s, decided to stay married. I couldn’t help but wonder if somehow, perhaps unconsciously, the father I loved and admired had somehow set me up for a life of questionable romantic attractions.
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There’s quite a bit of research that indicates that may be true. In fact, there’s been an increase in studies in recent years on how fathers impact their children in general — from language development to depression. And we’ve long heard that women are attracted to men like dear ol’ Dad. “The greatest impact on a woman’s romantic choices and ability to feel comfortable in her own sexuality is how her father related to her in childhood,” journalist Victoria Secunda wrote in “Women And Their Fathers: The Sexual and Romantic Impact of the First Man In Your Life.”
A cheating father is no different. According to clinical psychologist Ana Nogales, author of “Parents Who Cheat: How Children and Adults are Affected When Their Parents Are Unfaithful,” 80 percent of adults who witnessed infidelity as a child said their father’s cheating affected the way they feel about love and relationships and 70 percent said they believe it impacted their ability to trust others.
But a father obviously doesn’t have to be unfaithful to influence his child’s love life. He can just not be around. Daughters, especially teens, who have little contact with their fathers, whether through divorce or abandonment, “had great difficulties forming lasting relationships with men,” one study notes.
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Journalist Jonetta Rose Barras, author of “Whatever Happened to Daddy’s Little Girl: The Impact of Fatherlessness on Black Women,” says “the fatherless woman syndrome” is devastating African American communities. “You develop these handicaps based on the absence of your father,” she said in an interview with NPR. “So you don’t believe that you’re lovable or worthy of love. You suffered the triple fear factor — fear of rejection, fear of commitment, fear of abandonment. You actually get involved with sexual activity because you’re looking for someone to love you. You have rage, anger and depression issues, and then you overcompensate, either using drugs, using work. And so these things come out in your life in ways that, kind of, alienates you in relationships.”
It’s just as bad if fathers are physically present but emotionally absent. “The daughter who has a fulfilling relationship with her father is usually more trusting, more secure and more satisfied in her romantic relationships than the daughter with troubled or distant relationship with her dad,” regardless of whether her parents are married or divorced, according to Linda Nielsen, a professor of psychology at Wake Forest University and an expert in father-daughter relationships.
Despite my disappointment in my father’s choices and the pain he caused my mother, I came to a place of forgiveness and compassion for him, as well as for my former husband. And, just as important, I found compassion for myself, addressed my family-of-origin issues and vowed to never let them determine my love life again. It’s been a process, but a healthy and satisfying one.
As we approach Father’s Day, some of us may have more to thank our fathers for than others. For those who don’t, at least we can stop blaming Mom for once.
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The latest details to emerge from the still unfolding story of an 18-year-old Brooklyn woman’s rape are perhaps the most disconcerting of all: that her father, who was portrayed as a brutalized victim in original reports, may have actually been engaged in sexual activity with his daughter when the alleged teenage attackers came along.
“That came from two individuals that were arrested,” the New York City Police Department’s chief of detectives, Robert K. Boyce, said at a news conference on Tuesday. “That’s the only place we’ve got that from so far.” Still, a law enforcement official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, told the New York Times that such a detail “does not mean she was not a victim of a pretty horrific attack.” Added the source, “What appeared to have happened is that the father may have put her in that compromised position.”
Also revealed by investigators was the existence of a 30-second smartphone video of the victim and her father interacting just minutes before the attack, in which the woman is smiling and laughing and a male voice can be heard saying, “She said yeah.”
On Tuesday, four teenagers ranging in age from 14 to 17 — two who had been turned in to police by their parents — were arraigned on charges of first-degree rape. A fifth suspect, age 17, was arrested. The victim told authorities that she had been drinking beer Thursday night with her father in a local playground when five teens, one with a gun, chased her dad away before taking turns sexually assaulting her.
The arraignment was described as “tense” by the New York Times, which noted that Kenneth Montgomery, the lawyer for 14-year-old defendant Denzel Murray, called the video snippet “compelling.” Another attorney — Spencer Leeds, representing 17-year-old Onandi Brown — said, “There’s a belief in the neighborhood … that the complaining witness and the father have had sexual intercourse.”
While the details of this case are still too unclear to hold up as examples of anything at all — and while it is not known whether the father and daughter were actually having sex and, if they were, whether or not it was consensual — the phenomenon of adult father-daughter sexual relationships is not unheard of. It’s actually a disorder known as genetic sexual attraction (GSA), in which sexual and romantic attraction occurs between two relatives (father-daughter, brother-sister, mother-son) who did not grow up together due to adoption or abandonment. The father in this case, according to reports, lost custody of his now 18-year-old daughter when she was 2; she was consequently raised “out west” by another family, and the two had reunited over the summer.
Susan Branco Alvarado, an adoption therapist in Falls Church, Va., who was not available for comment on Wednesday, explained the syndrome to Yahoo Parenting for a related story in 2015. “When GSA occurs, it’s usually because the two people involved have not experienced that initial bonding from birth,” she said. “We know so little about GSA because the disorder is stigmatized. However, it’s possible that the two people spend so much time fantasizing about the other, that when they finally meet, the connection is so powerful that it somehow turns sexual.” GSA differs from incest, she noted, in that the latter involves relatives who grew up together.
How such an aspect could affect the Brooklyn rape case has yet to be determined. But Kimberly Lonsway, director of research for End Violence Against Women International, who has no involvement with or personal knowledge of the case, tells Yahoo Parenting that it should not be lumped in with the teens’ charges. “I have no idea what the story is with her father, but it is unrelated to the allegations of sexual assault, which need to be investigated on their own merit,” she says. “From my initial reading [of media reports], it seems like the only reason to talk about it in relation to this case is to discredit the victim.”
Another detail — that of the father and daughter drinking beer together in the park, her father to the point of inebriation — is “part of the case,” said an official. But it remains to be seen how the newly revealed 30-second video may or may not play into the legal case.
According to the Times, it “was brief and cryptic and showed only the woman, who could only be heard mumbling at times. Whether it might help the defense or the prosecution was unclear.” One of the alleged attackers recorded the quick scene, in which an unidentified male voice can be heard saying, “She said yeah,” and, “If you said yeah, it’s lit, like, you know what I mean? I could tell you a freak.”
Alan Lipman, director of the Center for the Study of Violence, tells Yahoo Parenting that it seems, from media reports, that the video is limiting and needs further evidence to support what it may or may not be showing. In it, the woman is said to be mumbling, which “may be significant, as it may indicate an inability to consent, or a lack of consent,” he says, adding that we don’t know what preceded the snippet to cause the woman’s alleged laughing.
“More important,” Lipman says, “the video only shows the behavior of the woman, so we can see nothing of the actions or behaviors of any of the five individuals. However, we do hear something quite significant.” That, he explains, “suggests that he is seeming to define for her in a motivated way what her behavior means, and to define consent on that very limited basis. There will be, no doubt, further facts, claims, and evidence to follow.”
Lonsway, who has also not seen the video, tells Yahoo Parenting that videos, sometimes of the rape itself, are often used in rape cases to discredit victims. “Given that a victim’s behavior is often not what people expect,” she says, “all too often we question, ‘Was that really a rape?’ That’s because people think about what they might do — scream, kick, fight back. We have a really clear script of what should happen, like a fight to the death. We think of fight or flight. But the most common response is to freeze and become very compliant. That’s what we do in trauma.”
Sometimes such videos might even show victims “helping out” their attackers in some way, such as moving their bodies in certain ways. “It’s not at all uncommon for victims to say [in the moment], ‘I want to survive this,’” and the only way to learn why a victim was behaving in a certain way during a rape is to speak to that victim, Lonsway says. “We are so primed and ready to believe that the victim is lying that it’s easier for us, as human beings, to believe it was a mistake or a false claim or a gray area rather than the unpalatable option of sexual assault.”
Top photo of Osborn Playground in Brooklyn: AP Photo
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Secret Father Daughter Intimate Relationships