Real Rape Incest
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Genres of classic, cult, mainstream, independent and foreign cinemas entailing the disturbing world of sexual crimes; with a look into the lives/minds of the sexual deviant/villain(s) and/or the victim/survivor(s) at hand either coping with or seeking justice/revenge against their assailants.
These are the stories which show sexual attraction, pedophilia, molestation, rape, incest and sexual abuse depicted central, insinuated, or incidental to the plot, targeted towards a single specific individual or to several children/adults.
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Home / On Rape and Sexual Violence / What My Sister Did: Surviving Incest
I was six years old when my sister started molesting me. I trusted and loved her, but she chose to betray that trust by manipulating my innocence. My big sister, who was seven years my senior chose to deform that love in the most vile way. Sometimes, she would lure me into her bedroom with tricks, bribes, or threats. Other times, she might corner me in the basement with brute force and cold eyes.
Her hands or mouth would find me and do things I couldn’t understand. Eventually, I had to do things to her too. The acts could last a second, like a passing grope in the hallway, or a lifetime on the abrasive carpet in the basement. This secret would endure a year, sowing seeds that would blossom into decades of suffering.
“It hurts a lot, and I’m starting to fight against her but she’s much stronger than I am. I’m getting more frightened and starting to wonder if you can die like this. She’s smothering me, and I try to yell out for her to stop hurting me, but she selfishly bucks even harder.”
My tiny neck was nearly broken beneath the sheets, by my sister’s legs—our mom, home early, had swung the bedroom door open, and screamed. My sister never touched me again after that, but to say it was over would be a lie… one I would try telling myself for almost thirty years.
I needed help, but I didn’t know that. We didn’t discuss it, and after the initial shock and horror wore off, everyone seemed to forget about it. I did my best to follow that example and bury all the confusion, shame, and guilt. I buried it deep and nurtured it, unknowingly, for years.
This was an age when I watched cartoons before walking to school with my backpack slung over my shoulder and my lunch box banging against my knee. I was quiet… or weird, if you’re seven. The “normal” kids would laugh at silly things, or whine about things I didn’t see as real problems. My eyes would gloss over and the noisy chaos in the cafeteria would muffle.
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Surrounded by hundreds of kids, I was alone.
The acts of abuse are an obvious problem, but residual effects can be even more damaging. If you get help immediately and start working through the crimes committed against you, the chance for full recovery is far better.
If help eludes you, as it did me, or you think time alone will ease your suffering… you’re wrong. Abuse victims who don’t deal with the trauma will likely develop complicated psychological issues like depression, low self-esteem, fear, and guilt.
By the time my sister was done with me, she had manipulated my perception so severely, I believed I was perverted and willingly participated in her twisted games. The guilt was completely unjustified, of course, but that didn’t make it any less real.
I thought I was disgusting and I honestly felt lucky nobody made me talk about the gross things I did. These poisonous feelings embedded themselves so deep in my psyche, by the time I finally uprooted them, I had a son of my own.
Almost every abuse victim will experience some degree of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Untreated, this can become chronic, and weave itself in and out of your life for years. After my sister molested me, intense nightmares haunted my sleep.
My bed was a cage at night and I would wet it, as I lay there wide-awake, but paralyzed. I always hid the evidence, and my mother didn’t confront me about damp sheets or stains, but I find it hard to believe she didn’t know about my “accidents.” Perhaps she didn’t want me to feel embarrassed, but this was another missed opportunity to get me some help.
Throughout my teen years, I had the normal thoughts and desires of boys my age, but when I got attention from girls, my feelings and reactions were far from normal. Kissing triggered flashbacks and touching made me wince and flinch. I was backwards. Physical gestures that gave others pleasure or comfort made me want to cry, and I had already discovered self-harm was soothing to my strange mind.
As an adult, my nightmares and flashbacks graduated to visual and audio hallucinations. I also began experiencing intense bouts of dissociation. It feels like, whatever makes you… you, is no longer connected to your physical self. It’s like an out-of-body experience, at its worst, and this is when I might be caught staring at a wall with a steady stream of drool.
It can also feel like I am in there but, somehow, too deep and I can’t find my way back to the surface. In my book, I compare functioning in society like this, to driving a city bus… from the back seat.
Suffering abuse is also associated with eating disorders, anxiety disorders, and suicide. I recently overcame my twenty-year battle with suicide, but I will likely have to cope with Social Anxiety Disorder and fluctuating levels of Agoraphobia for the rest of my life.
They say that time heals all wounds… that’s bullshit! In this situation, time is not on your side and, if left to its own devices, it will form an alliance with your problems… not you.
If you’re a victim of abuse, or know someone who is, the time to start the healing process is immediately. I was all grown up by the time I realized my problems were never going away unless I recruited some help and dealt with them. It didn’t have to be like that, and I want to share a few things I wish someone shared with me when I was seven.
One of the most important things you have to do is acknowledge it’s not your fault. You also need to understand that healing is going to be a process and you’re going to need to be patient with yourself.
You need a support system… a family member, friend, or teacher. You absolutely have to talk. This is crucial in expunging any false shame or guilt you feel. If there’s no one you trust, don’t lose hope. Most communities offer support groups and professional services that are easily accessible. You can even call…
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Child Help USA National Abuse Hotline: 1-800-4-A-CHILDS, 24 hours a day, or…
National Domestic Violence/Abuse Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233, 1-800-7873224).
I strongly recommend professional help. A good therapist can help guide you through the confusion and keep you moving forward. If you don’t believe that, I still urge you to consider therapy because it will give you a scheduled hour every week to apply your intellect to your emotions.
When you open up, don’t suppress your feelings… feel them. Your brain can’t process the things you hide from it. You can bury your feelings, so be careful. I was able to do it for years at a time. It felt like I was over it, but I never dealt with anything. My problems were no more gone than the distant tide—just waiting to come crashing back to shore with renewed vigor.
Find a way to exorcise the negative feelings, by employing a positive and healthy vent. For myself, it’s writing, but for you it could be music, painting, dancing, or signing up for mixed martial arts classes. Learning that you can reap positive feelings from negative experiences will empower you and improve the quality of your life.
In the end, do something to establish closure when you graduate from victim to survivor. You could write a letter to the person who abused you and let them know you’ll no longer be sharing the burden of their crimes with them. You don’t have to mail it… burn it. Say what you need to say and ceremoniously let it go.
Try writing a good-bye letter to your pain. Go out and get a new tattoo or piercing. Plant a tree… you get the idea. Finding a way to symbolize your victory over abuse will help you solidify the end of your journey, close that chapter of your life, and provide a reminder of your ability to overcome. You can do it… and you’re not alone.
Image credit: daniel––gottschling/Flickr
Nathan Daniels, author of Surviving the Fourth Cycle, lives with psychological disorders including Agoraphobia, OCD, Social Anxiety Disorder, Chronic PTSD, and Borderline Personality Disorder. Abused in his youth, orphaned and homeless as a teenager, he became self-abusive and suicidal as an adult. Against all odds he survived, and now uses writing to raise awareness for, and fight stigma associated with; abuse, suicide, and mental illness. For more information, visit http://survivingthefourthcycle.com/
You can connect with Nathan on Facebook - Twitter - Google+ - Linkedin
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i was molested by both my sisters and my brother at a very early age the earliest thing i remember i was about 5. it stopped about the time my sisters left school im the youngest by quiet some years my sibiling were all born roughly one year apart then i came some time later. Thing is there was a spell were i had totally forgot about it until i had a nightmare/dream in my late teens about it and it has been in the back of my mind for the last few years. I feel all over the place… Read more »
You are a courageous man. I’m so sorry you had this happen in your life. I am married to a man who at age 5 was molested by his 13 year old sister. He told me when we were 6 years into our relationship. He said he had dealt with it, that it was ” normal” and has happened in many families, and he was ok and resolved with it. I begged him to get therapy because I knew it was a barrier for us with intimacy. He would often joke about it and say to people that his older… Read more »
Hi thanks for revelling your story. I was also a victim to my sister who was 5 years older. It was not as severe as your experience. But I feel it could be the trigger as to why I seeked attention when younger through occasional self harm, lies and also felt withdrawn and disconnected. This has affected me all through my life with feelings of depression, insomnia and low self esteem as well as a fear of living life to the fullest. I am in contact with my sister who is very caring. We have never spoke about what happened…… Read more »
Man I was 6 years old and was molested by my sister at age 16 it took me hella dumb long to figure this out yo I was scared because she also abused me at 2 my mom was at work and she was babysitting me and only thing I felt was hits and my mom didn’t do shit about it today I’m a teen who stand up to his sister and I just can’t remembering me getting abused and last two weeks heard my sister died and no I did not cry or even touch the body I will… Read more »
Very sorry this happened to you, but I’m glad you decided to share your story. It hurt to read at times, but thank you again for sharing. Too many children get abused by their sisters and it goes unnoticed. I didn’t believe my sister was busive until I was 20! It took me two years of being away from that monster to realize what was going on. It’s scary how conditioned a mind can get.
Thank you for being brave and sharing this story out to others. What you went through is exactly what I have been through these past 15 years. I completely agree with what you said here: “They say that time heals all wounds… that’s bullshit! In this situation, time is not on your side and, if left to its own devices, it will form an alliance with your problems… not you.” I resorted to cutting myself for so many years thinking that time would help me heal the wounds from the past, but it did nothing. I just became an adult… Read more »
My heart broke reading this for you and I am grateful someone like you is speaking about this.
diving in to the grief of a lost childhood myself, i am grateful for your site.
@Nathan
I guess we are not ready to talk about “reverse incest”. It’s a shame. Well, it seems as if you have figured some things out writing can and does help. Those things don’t go away and often times therapy only makes a small difference. One has to learn what helps and what doesn’t.
@ogwriter I guess we are now, at the very least, ready to talk about “reverse incest” anonymously. Sister-brother Incest: Data from Anonymous Computer Assisted Self Interviews Stephen L. O’Keefe, Keith W. Beard, Sam Swindell, Sandra S. Stroebel, Karen Griffee, Debra H. Young Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity: The Journal of Treatment & Prevention Vol. 21, Iss. 1, 2014 Abstract Retrospective data were entered anonymously by 1,178 adult men using computer-assisted self-interview. Twenty-seven were victims of sister-brother incest (SBI), 119 were victims of child sexual abuse by an adult female (CSA-AF) before 18 years of age, 1,032 were controls. SBI was often… Read more »
Nathan, of all the wise things you’ve said here, the one that I tihink is the most important is the difference between excuses and reasons. Something I like to say about people struggling with any mental/emotional/neurological challenge is that, ‘it is not your fault, but it IS your responsibility.” I am so sorry that your mother was not able to rise to meet that challenge, and I am so proud that you ARE.
Nathan, Thank you so much for sharing your story. I know, a little too well, how hard it can be. You’re story is almost word for word my experience growing up. I was 5, it was my older brother and eventually his friends. My grandma caught us once and told me to never mention it. I think my dad knew too and never said anything. It ended when I was 11 and I repressed so much but it didn’t stop the self-mutilation or the suicidal thoughts. I had even attempted to hang myself when I was 7 years old. It… Read more »
Thank you! It means a lot to me, that you took the time to read my words here, and then reach out to me with such a kind and supportive comment. This keeps me motivated to do what I do, and I genuinely appreciate you sharing a little of your own story here as well. I’m really happy you have someone special in your life (and another on the way), and your recovery is a success. I wish you all the best, my new friend. Stay strong, and thanks again :]
Thank you Blair. On a very personal level, I have an incredible amount of sincere respect and genuine appreciation for the crucially important and, unfortunately, much-need service you provide. I encourage everyone to share my story as far and wide as they can, in an effort to raise awareness to all these issues, remind victims that they are not alone in their pain and confusion, and provide a glimpse of hope that the too will survive. If you’re interested, I would be happy to send you a word document version of Chapter 15 (My Big Sister) from my book. You… Read more »
Thank you so much for sharing Nathan, I had my own difficult childhood and so appreciate your sharing. I have turned mine into a life of trying to help victims of child trauma, especially child abuse and trafficking. My nonprofit, Ark of Hope for Children has now taken that to the point of building a live chat survivor support site called Removing Chains at http://www.removingchains.org We help victims and survivors without discrimination in 8 very focused chat rooms. Your insights noted here are wonderful! I would like to repost them, or have you post them, without the past episodes that… Read more »
Hi Candice. Thank you for your sincere kindness, and I think it’s awesome that your writing your own story. There’s plenty of room (and plenty of need) for everyone to tell their stories of survival. I hope more and more people will continue to do so. Writing for therapeutic benefit isn’t easy, and many of my journal pages saw more ink than tears in the beginning. I was persistent though and forced myself to write through the pain, so to speak. [ http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/writing-helped-save-my-life ] I believe writing honestly about the relationships and events that shaped my life has been crucial… Read more »
I am so proud to have had the chance to meet you here online and somehow we clicked. We both know what pain and judgement feels like, something so painful is what brought us to know one another yet you’re like part of the family now. When you wrote about your experience on my blog, I knew it took a lot for you to do. I also know that you were wary of how I would perceive you as a friend after you revealed more of your past to me. Would I still want to be friends with you when… Read more »
Emma… Thank you! Sometimes, I swear, you and I have an unspoken competition to see who can make the other shed the most tears. As usual, your words have traveled across the globe, touched my heart and solidified the fact that you understand, and I have a genuine friend in you. I can’t thank you enough for the constant support you’ve showed me since our paths crossed on Twitter six months ago. You were the first person to invite me to share a little of my story on your amazing blog, and I considered it an incredible honor [ http://www.therealsupermumblog.com/2012/10/life-sexually-abused-m
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Real Rape Incest
