Moms Is Son Seks
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By Erica Tempesta For Dailymail.com 13:21 BST 04 Mar 2020 , updated 09:16 BST 05 Mar 2020
Mothers who work in the adult film industry are the subjects of a photographer's powerful new series that explores the balance between motherhood and their work in pornography.
Mary Beth Koeth, 37, from Florida, traveled across the country to photograph these women at home with their children for her latest project, 'Porn Moms.' The photographer also conducted video interviews with the moms about their individual experiences.
Writer Laura Lee Huttenbach transcribed the interviews and wrote captions to accompany each of the women's photos as part of the project, revealing the women's career aspirations and their hopes for their children.
Koeth explained on her website that her series got its start when she attended the Exxxotica Expo in Edison, New Jersey, in November 2017 and met Emily Mena, a 25-year-old adult film star and mom.
She came up with the idea for 'Porn Moms' four years ago, but it took some time before she pursued the project.
'I was scared of this project for a while because I didn't know how I would find subjects or if these women would be open to sharing their stories,' she wrote.
'I wanted to know how their worlds were different from the world I had grown up in, with strict Catholic parents,' she said. 'I wanted to know how they balanced motherhood with work, and how other mothers who didn't work in porn treated them at gatherings like PTA meetings.'
When Koeth met Mena at the adult-themed expo, she learned that the actress had a four-year-old daughter, Sophia, and a baby on the way. She traveled to Phoenix, Arizona, to photograph Mena when she was seven months pregnant with her son.
'I’m grateful to these women for trusting me with a piece of their lives that, professionally, they prefer to keep secret,' Koeth said.
Emily Mena | 25 | Phoenix, Arizona | Four-year-old daughter and son on the way
'I'm a chauffeur,' says Mena, when asked to describe her day-to-day life as a mom.
Her daughter's after-school schedule is filled with soccer, gymnastics, swimming, and sometimes dance. So when Mena picks her daughter up from school, it's straight to an activity, then home to cook dinner, then help with homework.
'And I like to read to her before she goes to bed,' Mena says. 'My life revolves around her. It's a lot, but I love it. It's expensive, but I look at it as a long-term investment. Keep your kids active doing something so they're involved in their community or school or whatever, versus the streets.'
She beams when she talks about her daughter, describing her as sassy, energetic, outgoing, loving, talkative, and smart. 'And,' Mena adds, 'she has a sweet tooth.'
At the time of the photoshoot, Mena was seven months pregnant with her son, shortly after friends and family had thrown her a baby shower. 'My husband and I are really excited,' she says. 'And my daughter's excited to be a big sister.'
Mena's dream job would be acting in mainstream film and TV, but she's also considering getting her nursing degree. 'Being in the adult industry kind of hurts you a little bit, so who knows,' she says. 'I don't care what people say about me. I just don't want it to affect my children. That's all I care about.'
Her hope for her children is that 'they're genuinely happy, successful, healthy, and that they know the world is theirs. They can do anything they set their minds to. And that they're safe. There's so much bad stuff out there.'
Tiffany Brookes | 31 | Dallas, Texas | One-year-old son
Brookes wasn't planning on returning to work in the adult entertainment industry after becoming a mom. 'But you do what you gotta do,' she says.
'After having my son [I realized], I'm a single mom and oh shit, what can I do that's going to bring in income now?' She hated the idea of putting her son in daycare to take a 9-to-5 job. Though she admits working in porn can be difficult and pays less than it used to, the schedule allows her to spend more time at home with her son.
'It enables me to be a hands-on, stay-at-home mom,' she says. 'He literally is my everything. Everything you do is completely thought out around them.' Coming back to the film set with a postpartum body was challenging emotionally and physically. 'Everything that you're self-conscious about is amplified,' Brookes says.
She thought people would be able to tell right away that she'd had a baby. 'I'm constantly concerned about every time I get undressed in front of a camera. I look for people's reactions.'
When her son gets a little older, she hopes to find a new career outside adult entertainment. In the meantime, she says, 'The minute the camera is off and I'm off set, it's back to being a mom.'
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Makayla Cox | 35 | Las Vegas, Nevada | Seven-year-old daughter
Cox says her seven-year-old daughter is very popular at school.
'She's everyone's best friend,' Cox observes. 'She's full of energy.'
So their schedule is filled with birthday parties for her daughter's classmates.
With the other mothers, she finds her connection with them depends on the person. Some women don't want to know anything about her work, while others are more open.
Cox doesn't want to lie to her daughter about her job.
'She's going to grow up knowing,' she says. 'It's going to be common knowledge, [like] Oh, okay, mommy does porn for a living.'
But she finds nothing easy about being a single mom.
Her dream is to move with her daughter to Los Angeles and buy a house close to the beach, where they can live like hippies.
Cameron Canela | 24 | Las Vegas, Nevada | Newborn son
'All my friends and family knew I was adamant about not wanting children,' Canela recalls. 'I didn't want to be a mom. I actually didn't like kids at all.'
But when she found out she was pregnant, her initial reaction surprised her. 'I thought it was going to be like, What is this leech in my body? I don't want it. But I immediately felt connected.'
The birth of her son coaxed out a new version of Canela. 'I just felt like I became a whole new person in the coolest way. As cliché as it sounds, your heart just grows immediately.'
She feels the experience of being a mother has matured her and changed her relationship to working in porn.
'Before, I definitely embraced who I was in the adult industry and didn't really care how people thought about it. I was like, This is what I am, this is who I am, this is what I like to do. Now I like having more of a conservative image and being a mom. That's been the biggest transition for me, just realizing that there's still a whole other side of me.'
She's unsure about her future career plans. In school, growing up, Canela was always good with numbers and wanted to be an accountant.
She laughs when she thinks about an accountant's image as being boring, because she believes there's real potential for the work to be exciting. 'Even a therapist only knows what you tell them,' she says. 'But your accountant knows where you spend all your money. They know all your deep, dark secrets.'
Nickey Hunstman | 26 | Colorado Springs, Colorado | Nine-year-old daughter
Huntsman's daughter came into the world early and stayed in the neonatal intensive care unit for her first weeks of life. When they were discharged, her daughter went home with an oxygen tank, which she used for another month.
'I was very clingy and protective of her for the longest time when she was itty bitty,' recalls Huntsman. 'Now that she's older, she has more space.'
When Huntsman was a little girl, she participated in Girl Scouts, drama club, and talent shows. 'I was very active in the arts community,' she says.
'My daughter is kind of following in my footsteps in a lot of those areas, so that's pretty cool.' Her daughter loves to draw and paint and recently started taking karate lessons. Personally,
Huntsman took up mixed martial arts fighting last year. 'I'm not a pro or anything, but I can protect myself, which is the important thing,' she says. Becoming a mother came naturally to Huntsman. She found it easy to interpret the needs of her daughter. 'When I had her, it came automatically with mothering skills,' she says. 'Sometimes you just know that you're made to do something.'
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My son’s behaviour towards his sister and me is inappropriate
Something is clearly going on with your son, and you need to find out what, says Annalisa Barbieri
‘You may not have found porn on his computer, but that does not mean he hasn’t been exposed to it.’ Illustration: Lo Cole/The Guardian
Last modified on Mon 22 Mar 2021 07.50 GMT
My son is 12 and on the cusp of puberty. For the last six months, his behaviour towards me and his 15-year-old sister has become oversexualised and inappropriate. This has included making lewd remarks and suggestions to her. He often grabs her, or strokes her hair or arms. He does the same to me, using language that sounds like lyrics from suggestive love songs. When going to and from the bathroom, he exposes himself and makes lewd remarks.
We’ve made it clear we don’t like it and want him to stop. He laughs and says he didn’t mean it. He rarely behaves like this in front of his father (we all live together). He goes to an all-boys school and I haven’t had reports of this there.
I’m at the end of my tether. I want to show him, in front of his sister, that his behaviour could be classed as criminal. I’ve tried punishments that we use for other poor behaviour. Sometimes this stops him temporarily. In general, he is quite an anxious, angry and unhappy person at home. I monitor his internet access and I haven’t found evidence he watches porn or adult content. He mostly uses it for gaming.
Teenagers often test the boundaries with their parents, but it’s not usual for boys to make suggestive sexual comments to female members of the family, and less usual still that they expose themselves. This is the age they tend to become more self-conscious and inhibited – so something is clearly going on with your son and you need to find out what.
I contacted Graham Music, a psychotherapist (childpsychotherapy.org.uk) who has worked extensively with children and adolescents – especially troubled ones – and has written several books on the subject.
We both wondered what your husband’s reaction to your son’s behaviour was – whether or not he witnesses it himself? He needs to be more involved than he seems to be. It’s important for men to call out inappropriate behaviour in other men, and that starts in the home.
Music said that, often, if children are experiencing something they cannot deal with, they will seek to make others feel what they are feeling. It’s as if they are throwing it out there to say, “This is what I’m dealing with.” So the child who feels shame may seek to make others ashamed, the child who feels left out rejects others, and so on. “You don’t often act out so overtly unless you’ve been exposed to something that’s been overwhelming,” explains Music.
You may not have found porn or adult content on his computer, but that does not mean he hasn’t been exposed to it. It is likely he will have seen something. He could have seen or heard something via gaming; get more involved (you and your husband) in what he does online, which is best done by showing an interest rather than hectoring.
The fact he’s angry and anxious worries me further. Was he always like this? Music asks: “How did your son deal with unhappiness as a child?”
I would also talk to the school to get a better picture of what’s going on there. “Is he being bullied, and is he bullying you and his sister in turn?” asked Music. Has he recently changed schools?
My sister is being abused by her husband. What can I do?
Music was also interested in the dynamics of your house: “Who else lives there, what else is going on there, what are the power dynamics between you and your husband?”
There was scant information in your letter and little curiosity about why your son is doing this. The key to stopping it is to understand why he’s doing it. “It could be sexual urges,” said Music, “or it could be he’s using the sexual as a language to enact something else, like asserting power.” How do you generally deal with feelings in the family? Are they allowed or are they buried? Your son might have noticed and enjoyed getting a reaction out of you. But, again, you need to look at why he feels this compulsion.
In the meantime, his behaviour must be addressed and your daughter told she can react to protect herself. “Boundaries and authority are essential,” says Music, “But you and your husband need to set those up together. Try to stop his behaviour and then work out why it’s happening. Your son needs to understand there are consequences, but you need to make space to think about why he’s doing this.”
Every week Annalisa Barbieri addresses a family-related problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa on a family matter, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.
Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure the discussion remains on the topics raised by the article. Please be aware that there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.
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Moms Is Son Seks
