Mom Washes Sons Dick

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By Theresa Edwards | August 1, 2014
One of the things that I never stopped to consider about women who have sons is that they have a new level of peener to contend with: baby peen. When you’re a woman and you have a daughter you can recognize pretty much immediately what is normal down there and whether something is amiss, because you match, for the most part. Baby penis is something that you may or may not have a barometer for, depending on how many baby peens total you’ve dealt with in your lifetime.
Even so, when I started watching little boys, the baby penis thing didn’t faze me; I just adjusted and moved on. And yet, on more than one occasion a mom or dad might pull me aside and ask if their son appeared to be “on par down there” to which I could only shrug because I have no idea what average baby penis size is, unlike, say, a pediatrician would.
It turns out that the concern about baby twigs and bitty berries being too small is a real thing, and I don’t want to poke fun too much because I understand what it’s like to be concerned about every little thing.
But at the same time, I think it’s a foregone conclusion that baby penises are small. There are cases where there’s a real medical concern, but that is very rare indeed. When a doctor – a real one, not someone on the internet who totally majored in baby penis for a semester in college – tells you to worry, then you start to worry. Until then, it’s no big penis deal.
Hidden penis is a real thing, you guys, but try not to freak out, because it’s very common. According to medilexicon, it’s a “normal penis obscured by suprapubic fat.” So once the baby fat starts to disappear, everything will start to look normal.
I’d venture to say that the worst thing for a male isn’t to have a small penis. And boys can sit on toilet seats to pee until they have a little something more to grip.
Eight months is too early to start worrying overmuch about future penis size. According to WebMD (I know, I know), the magic doesn’t really start to happen until puberty. Extreme nausea is no joke so don’t play the game of “should I have just stuck it out?” You won’t win that game.
“I have a child here for the day. He’s seven months old.
His penis is very, very small, and it points in, not out. It’s just like an innie belly button. It’s buried inside his testicles.
I’m not going to ask his parents, because it’s clearly something they would have already asked a doctor about.
I’m just wondering if this is an actual medical condition, or if it’s something a child will outgrow? What causes this? Have you ever heard of something like this?”
Oh, my sweet chinchilla of a first time mom. Everything is fine. Two days is old is too young for a penis complex.
Injecting your child with hormones against your doctor’s advice is flirting with danger. Size doesn’t matter that much. Again, why not wait until puberty and see what happens down there? Until then, it’s as big of a deal as you make it.
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Television By TooFab Staff | 5/12/2017 7:35 AM PT
Goldie Hawn spilled the tea on her son's manhood on "Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen" in hilarious detail.
The "Snatched" actress and costar Amy Schumer were guests on the Bravo series Thursday night, when the host asked about Oliver Hudson's bare booty Instagram photos.
While most mothers might avoid the question, Hawn proved she's not like regular moms -- she's a cool mom -- and not only talked about his behind, but took it a step further.
"I laughed so hard. That guy makes me laugh. Doesn't he have a gorgeous tuchus?" Hawn said with a laugh. "When I had him circumcised, the doctor said, 'You'll be happy to know I had to get a bigger clamp.' A bigger clamp! Of course, I was crying too, because I knew he was going to cry."
"It was a double edge sword, so to speak," she added. "This isn't televised, right?"
Oliver wasn't the only one of her children Hawn was asked about during the show, as a caller also wanted to know what she thought about daughter Kate Hudson dating Nick Jonas.
"As long as the kids are having fun, I don't care," she revealed. "He's a very nice guy, a good person."
When asked if she ever cooked him dinner, Hawn said she hadn't ... but "would have, if it lasted long enough!"
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While Hawn was game for anything, Schumer had a hard time playing Plead the Fifth. She easily answered Cohen's first question, but avoided the final two.
Up first: "What's the rudest thing you've done in the bedroom?"
"Well it was when I saw that a guy had an uncircumcised penis and it was too big and I went, 'Peace!'" she replied. "I was like, I'm not going to be deformed because I had sex with you once. That's what 'Get Out' should have been about!"
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She was then asked to play a round of Shag, Marry, Kill with a trio of male comedy mentors -- Jerry Seinfeld, Chris Rock and Louis CK -- and to reveal the most "offensive or bizarre thing a male comedian has said" to her.
Hawn and Schumer's film, "Snatched" is now playing in theaters.
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Mom Washes Sons Dick