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Melissa Kang, University of Technology Sydney
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Teenage girls often feel shame about pleasure
While based on international data, the below article by The Conversation remains relevant to local readers. 
Young people have a lot of questions about sex. I answered hundreds of them over 23 years for the Dolly Doctor magazine column, until the magazine closed at the end of 2016.
Many questions from girls suggested they needed information about desire and experiences of sexual pleasure.
Those discovering sexual arousal and masturbation often seemed ecstatic (pun intended), although, even from a young age, these desires were often seen as problems and silenced.
Somewhere between the delights of sexual self-discovery during early puberty and becoming sexually involved with a partner later in adolescence, I had a sense young women fell into a chasm of sexual repression, objectification and instruments for male pleasure.
In my analysis of Dolly Doctor questions, I found girls asking about masturbation regularly made up 5-10% of questions about sexuality. For instance, here is a question from the 1990s:
I have a problem; I masturbate ALL the time! Even when I’m in class I ask the teacher if I can go to the toilet and when I get there I finger myself. Can you tell me if there is something wrong with me and how can I stop!?
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The concerns expressed about whether this is normal could, of course, signify typical developmental preoccupations with peer comparison: asking whether an observation or experience is "normal" was common regardless of the topic.
But concerns could also emerge because adolescent girls received no information about female sexual desire, so their curiosity was mixed with alarm about the intensity and power of their urges.
Here is another question from the 2000s:
I always get horny! Everytime I see something about sex I get horny! But it feels good! Is this common or am I just not normal?
My view is that together with a lack of relevant information, these girls had absorbed messages of gendered shaming. Here is a question from from the 2010s:
Ok I need some help, I started getting interested in watching pornography and I used to touch myself while I watch it I knew it was wrong but my body craved it and it was pleasure like I was a magical feeling I cant explain it but I cant talk to my family and I cant talk to my friends. is this normal?? Dolly doctor please help me.
The shaming of girls' and young women’s sexuality has been found in studies about diverse topics, such as sexting, sexually transmitted infections, seeking contraception and sexual violence.Girls are internalising messages of shame. Shutterstock
Philosopher, Bonnie Mann, writes gendered shame may be "the mechanism … […] subordination of women across class and race (occurs)".
Early adolescence marks a critical juncture in young people's lives, powered by the intensity of puberty which marks the transition from childhood to adolescent sexuality.
Expressions of partnered interactions (such as kissing, sexting, oral sex and intercourse) in adolescence are similar to the way sex is experienced in adulthood and throughout life for most people.
This makes sex education that empowers young women with the appropriate knowledge about pleasure all the more important.
The questions to Dolly Doctor from young women about sex with a partner were fewer in number — most Dolly readers were quite young adolescents.
A small proportion of these questions were concerned with lack of pleasure or orgasm. Such as this one from the 1990s: 
Dear Melissa, I am 17 […] and […] been sexually active since last year and every time I have had sex with my boyfriend I have never had an orgasm and I feel like he is getting all the fun and I get none.
Here is another one from the 2000s:
i have had sex with my boyfriend a number of times but it seems to give me no pleasure. All my friends talk about how good it feels and i dont know this great feeling […] i have talked to my boyfriend and he feels it why dont i?
[…] recently with my boyfriend we went to seconds but when he fingered me I didn’t feel anything at all. I have tried doing i myself but I dont feel any pleasure. Is there something wrong with me? What can I do to fix it? Thanks
Other questions included experiences of painful intercourse (with a male) or fear of pain despite a wish to begin a sexual relationship.
Questions about oral sex suggested adolescent women were keen to please. For instance:
I am wanting to give my boyfriend oral sex. I was wondering how to do it and for some techniques that he would enjoy and so my boyfriend is pleased.
How do you give a better blow job? Please help me.
Questions about receiving oral sex (by the young women) were very few in number and were often about girl-on-girl sex that was pleasurable, "She […] gave me oral sex, I liked it and I didn’t stop her".
There is more analysis that could be done on Dolly Doctor questions that speak to constructions of female sexuality. But the analysis so far has provided me with unique insights about how young women respond to messages about their roles in heterosexual encounters.
Teachers must be supported to talk about sex
Good school-based sex education means providing teachers with the training and support they need without fear of backlash. In the first Australian study among health teachers about sex education, less than half had received sex education training during their undergraduate degree and 15.5% had received no training.
The topic areas where teachers felt they needed most assistance related to discussions about behaviour, emotions and feelings. And yet, teaching consent in sexual encounters needs to include truthful discussion on these exact topics.
Parents, teachers and young people need to find the right language and create safe spaces to allow teaching and learning about sexual consent, which by definition means talking about sex and pleasure in its various forms. This includes the normality, right and importance of female pleasure.
This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.
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I’m now in the phase of parenting when someone replies, “I’m sorry,” after I tell them my daughters are 14 and 16. “And girls!” they’ll add, shaking their heads. It’s not that bad, I want to say. Because of my teenage daughters, I’ve discovered Rick & Morty, and Milk everyday dewy highlighter, and also… um… also lots of other things I can’t really remember right now! Just kidding — they are, of course, still the joys of my life, just slightly more complicated little joys. In their honor, and for any parent navigating (or about to navigate) similar terrain, here are a few completely not-at-all-expert rules I’ve tried to keep in mind on a daily basis…
1. Get as much sleep as you can before they turn 13, because then the sleepless nights really begin.
2. She isn’t mad at you. She just seems like it because she’s been “on” all day, and you are the only one she can take it out on because she knows you’ll still love her in the morning.
3. Teach her to never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever send a picture of herself to someone, especially a boy, that she wouldn’t feel comfortable seeing on the front page of the New York Times.
5. You’re not fooling them with your casual concern about their social lives. Maybe you should call Lucy and see what she’s doing today? You are their mother and they see right through you.
6. There is nothing too small to brag about at the dinner table. I believe this should be a rule however old and whatever gender your kids are, but I find it has become especially important for girls during the teenage years, when self-confidence is more likely to wane, and judgement-free zones are rare if not completely non-existent.
7. Speaking of the dinner table: Make it a nag-free zone. None of the Did you take that practice ACT? Did you get back to that teacher? Did you put that freaking breakfast cereal bowl in the dishwasher yet? That is what the other 11 1/2 hours of the day are for. 
8. Talk about her period and periods generally from day one so there is no shroud of shame around them. Even when there are brothers and fathers around — actually especially when brothers and fathers are around.
9. Feed your daughters current events for breakfast, play news radio in the car on the way to the softball game, point them in the direction of podcasts and news accounts to follow on Instagram or their preferred method of social media. When you’re a teenager, it’s no longer cute if you can’t identify the Vice President of the United States.
10. Repeat to self: It’s just a phase. They will go through phases. Of clothes, of friends, of liking carbs and not liking carbs; of liking themselves of not liking themselves; of liking you and not liking you. It’s just a phase. It’s just a phase. It’s just a phase.
11. It’s not a flash drive; it’s a Juul.
12. Danger in the pre-teen years: Helicopter Parenting. Danger in the teen years: Lawn Mower Parenting. Resist the urge to clear a smooth path for them unless you want to be the mom or dad emailing their college professors to request extensions.
13. It’s okay that they aren’t learning to code or interning with the A.C.L.U. this summer. They’ll learn more about patience and hard work from bussing tables or loading groceries, and the stories they’ll collect will be waayyy more entertaining.
14. When teaching them to drive, take a deep breath and remember: It’s only a 4500-pound car-shaped missile, what’s the worst that could happen?
15. Even if you are an, ahem, food writer who has devoted a good part of her career to figuring out how to raise healthy eaters, be prepared to come up against some seriously powerful forces — social media, the friend whose entire lunch consists of a celery stalk, the Kardashians — that can erase your efforts overnight. Be vigilant. Never stop making the connection between eating well and feeling good.
16. Social exclusion: Most of the time, it’s more painful for you than it is for her.
18. Help her find an escape hatch. Whether it’s a summer camp, a theater program, a lacrosse team, a literary magazine, a dishwashing job, finding her people is huge. Having an outlet outside of school is huger. Realizing that the world is bigger and more interesting than who is streaking with whom on Snapchat is the hugest.
19. It’s more important to listen than to fix. While it’s true that teenagers have always been teenagers, their worlds are different than yours. It’s easy to just dismiss things as “I went through that, you’ll be fine.” But they are dealing with social pressures that we never had to deal with and we owe it to them to try to really listen.
20. It’s fine to speak with your teenage daughters and friends in their language (“lit,” “fire,” “gucci”) to sound like the cool parent that you are – so long as you realize the effect will be exactly the opposite of what you intended. (“Mom, you sound like Michael Scott.”)
21. There will be a day when she gets in a car with another teenager headed who-knows-where and you will be tempted to remind her of every single thing you’ve taught her about good judgment – wear your seatbelt, wear your sunblock, listen to your gut, don’t walk home on that dangerously curvy road in the dark, don’t do drugs, don’t get drunk, don’t get in a car with anyone who’s had even ONE drink, don’t take nudes, don’t send nudes, don’t forget you can call me ANY hour of the night if you need me for ANYTHING LITERALLY ANYTHING — but you will keep your mouth shut and trust that she’s been listening.
Food writer Jenny Rosenstrach is the founder of the blog Dinner: A Love Story. She wrote a book with the same name, which has a prized spot on our bookshelf. Her other two books are Dinner: The Playbook and How to Celebrate Everything. She lives in Westchester County with her husband and two daughters.
(Photo by Three Lions/Getty Images.)
I read through every single comment. Parenting gold! I need them compiled into a coffee table book!
This too but it was easier raising girls. I just realized this. Maybe because I’m a girl? I get how they feel. I did the things on this list. All of them. I did have to back off on safety talk though. Being in forensics, I made my girls hyperaware. My youngest daughter finally told me, “Sometimes your warnings scare me.” “Oh no!” I said. “I just wanted you to be safe!” I still do and, I really have no regrets because I have great girls ?
So I’m a 20 year old girl living away at university. My mum is my best friend and reading this allowed me to look back on all the things my mum did for me as a child and how they shaped me as a person today.
One of the main things that I have always been grateful for is that my mum always offers advice, whenever there is something happening in my life she will be upfront and honest with her advice and suggestions. But she also respects that at the end of the day it is still my decisions to make and she’ll let me make them, with no judgement, even if i go against what she would want for me. What’s so special about this is that even though she gives me advice and sometimes I don’t follow it, when it all blows up in my face I know she’s still going to be there for me no matter what, she helps me deal with the consequences.
Last year I was with a boy who I had been seeing for 2 years, my mum didn’t like him because of how he had treated me throughout our relationship and when we had previously broken up for a month. I got back into a relationship with him against my mum’s advice and long story short, he betrayed me again and started cheating on me. I was devastated. Deep down I know that I should have expected it and I felt as though I allowed it to happen, I was mad at myself for not listening to my mum. But when I went into her room at 3am in tears after I had found out, and woke her up, she was as supportive as she always has been. She made a hot chocolate and let me cry into her in the middle of the night. And not once did she say or even hint at “I told you so”.
My mum respects my decisions but is still there for me when I get them wrong.
I’m 6 months pregnant with a girl, my first baby. This is the kind of mom I want to be..
I’m sorry for your broken heart. But glad you have a great mom.
You are a beautiful person, Molly. As a mama to three little girls, I pray we can have respectful and loving relationships like yours. xoxo
thank you. from the bottom of my heart.
As someone who is the cool-big-sister slash Mom of a preteen right now (her mother is not in her life), I have a weird but unique perspective these days: I remember being a teen girl not even five years ago, but boy is it still extremely different for my girl.
One-ish piece of advice that has always worked (besides never being afraid to say no, and that whole “you can’t be their best friend and their Mom at the same time” bullshit is false) is: When they start asking questions, any questions, tell them the absolute truth to the best of your ability. I explained to my sister what childbirth was like when she was just 9 – and when she asked how people got pregnant I said, “A couple of different ways. One’s just for adults, and I’ll tell you when you’re older – but people also go to the doctor, or they adopt children who don’t have parents anymore.” Children, no matter how young, can still understand that the world is complicated.
2. Do not break your promises. If you think you won’t be able to afford some expensive tech for their birthday, don’t just say yes and hope it’ll work out – tell them it’s not much of a possibility, and then ask what else they’d like instead. Make sure your promises are doable and then DO them – that lack of trust that builds every time you skip out on a soccer game or a trip to the mall or a family dinner tells your kid that they can’t trust you with the big stuff, either.
You seriously just taught me how to talk about the birds and the bees to a five year old. Thank you!!!
Please, Please, One for raising teen boys….maybe there is one !? I just love this article So Very Heart felt – Thanks!
My family is European so I was raised with a few drops of wine in my water at 3. I loved watching the red turn my water ever so slightly pink. And the touch of bitterness was lovely. My mother did not pretend her New York City teen wasn’t going to drink. She told me not to leave the house or be sure to eat bread and butter before drinking to coat my stomach. And it would absorb alcohol more slowly. Then, of course not to mix my alcohols: beer or wine or a rum & coke but NEVER 2 or all 3, ever! Then when you get home take (then aspirin) with as much water as you can tolerate and if you can a multi v
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