Husband Take His Wife

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Change is in the air, and a big leap in the frontier of gender equality is quickly gaining recognition. The recent controversy revolved around Zoe Saldana and the newly-dubbed Mr. Marco Saldana nee Perego. Everyone was asking why Marco decided to take Zoe’s name, when it’s not the customary habit in the – well, the world!
Are they trying to prove something? Are Zoe and Marco feminists? The answer, unsurprisingly, is only known to them. And that’s how it’s supposed to be.
The choices that a couple makes is not necessarily bogged down by societal influences, but it is simply a decision that the couple chooses together. Still, you can’t help but wonder why a man would choose to go against the grain and take his wife’s surname. Frankly, it’s neither good nor bad, but it does make everyone stop to ponder the reasons and how it can affect society today.
Why would a man want to take their wife’s last name?
Marco Saldana is not the first man to take his wife’s name, but he might just be the only one connected to a celebrity. That’s probably why this issue is gaining so much popularity. There are a lot of men out there who are proud to carry their wives’ names and vice versa. Do you want to know why? Then, maybe you should ask them.
For the time being, we’ve come up with a general summary of why these men took their wives’ last names.
#1 They like their wife’s surname better. Blame the mindset of most of our ancestors because we can all agree that a lot of people got the short end of the stick when surnames were registered hundreds of years ago. Taking their wife’s last name is probably a godsend for the chaps with the last names Peanisbreath, Pornsak and Assman.
#2 They want to distance themselves from their former surname. Some researchers believe that there are men who have distant relationships with their fathers, who want to separate themselves from that identity. A last name has a significant connection to one’s father, which means that it might be an acceptable option for some men.
#3 A symbol of support. Men who are proud of their wives can decide to take their wives’ name instead of the other way around. It’s not an act that can affect one’s overall standing within a community, but it does send a message that tells people that they are proud of their wives.
#4 A testament to a couple’s stand against gender norms. It’s a choice that doesn’t have to make waves. It is just something that the couple wants to do, regardless of what society might think. The fact that it’s a progressive take on gender equality is just a bonus.
#5 An act of love. People choose different ways to show their love depending on their beliefs and lifestyles. A man changing his name to his wife’s last name is just the same as the wife taking her husband’s last name.
The act of taking a wife’s last name is considered commendable in this day and age, but there are those who think that there are negative connotations connected to the gesture.
Below are some of the most common assumptions that people have against taking a wife’s last name:
#1 A cry for help. According to most Negative Nigels and Nancies, anything that people do that goes against the normal operations of society is a cry for help. Why would changing a last name be a cry for help? What is that? Like, “Help. Save me from the burden of being a loving husband?”
#2 A sign of dominance. It’s the complete opposite, actually. The man is removing his dominance by allowing himself to take his wife’s name. It does not mean that his wife rules everything in their marriage now that her name gets printed when someone sends an invitation.
#3 Dissolving an identity. Taking your wife’s last name is actually a renewal of an identity. You are now a husband and a part of a married couple. Wouldn’t that be that case if your wife took your name?
#4 The end of a legacy. Or the beginning of a new one. We all know that names can carry a lot of weight, but it’s up to the person who owns it to decide how much value they are willing to put on their name.
#5 A misguided claim for feminism. We can all admit that taking your wife’s last name is an epic act of feminism, but it does not necessarily mean a claim to the idea. We can appreciate the gesture as a win for feminists, but it should also be respected as an act between two people who love each other very much.
Marco Saldana, an artist in his own right, said to his wife, “Ah Zoe! I don’t give a shit.” And rightly so. Why should a man care what other people think? Emasculation is not a thing anymore. For most men all over the world, it still looms over them, but there isn’t a big enough issue to merit any cry of outrage from their side.
And actually, why should there be any side at all? By taking your wife’s last name, you are inarguably telling the world, “To hell with sides. I’m on my family’s side.”
Should all men change their last names?
With a public expression of gender equality acceptance like this, the answer would probably be: If they want to. The fact that it’s okay to take a wife’s last name means that it’s also okay to keep your name. But a man should extend the same courtesy and respect to his wife and discuss the possibilities of keeping, changing, or even exchanging names.
Whatever your decision may be, just know that the most important thing to consider is how it will affect your relationship. A couple should agree to these things and allow their spouses enough leeway to make up their own mind about it. You can go so far as to request the gesture, but it does not mean that you should hold it against them if they decline.
Still, Zoe Saldana has a few choice words to say to the people who think it’s a strange and bad decision. It’s directed to men, but women will learn something as well:
“Men, you will not cease to exist by taking your partner’s surname. On the contrary — you’ll be remembered as a man who stood by change,” she writes. “A real ‘man’ leads alongside his partner. A real man accepts his mortality. A real man acknowledges that nothing can be done alone.”
Controversial or not, changing one’s surname after marriage is primarily the concern of the two people involved in a relationship. Whether you choose the wife’s, the husband’s, or a hyphenated surname, it’s your business, so do what makes you both happy!
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One of the greatest problems facing many families today is the lack of leadership by the husband. Some husbands don’t realize that God has ordained them for this role, while others simply don’t understand how they should lead; still others simply refuse to lead. In marriage counseling I see this problem over and over again. Most of the men that I counsel do not realize that many of the serious problems that are occurring in their homes directly result from their failure to lead. It is clear that the lack of the husband’s leadership in his home will definitely create a chain reaction of marital, financial, and parenting problems. Therefore, let us consider why husbands fail to lead and how they can begin to lead their wife and family.
Why is there such a problem with men taking the lead in their homes today?

There are many reasons why men fail to lead; let me give you just a few. (1) Many times men did not see good male leadership modeled in their own homes as they grew up. (2) Some pastors do not teach about a husband’s leadership role because they fear being charged with male chauvinism. (3) Many husbands are just lazy and would rather relinquish the leadership in the home to their wives. (4) Other husbands simply give up when their wives challenge them for the leadership of the home as their wives remind them of all their poor decisions in the past. (5) Other husbands are manipulated by their wives through tears, denial of sex, or constant verbal harassment to relinquish leadership. These are just some of the reasons I have found over the years that hinder men from taking the responsibility God has ordained for them as husbands. It is essential to understand that none of these reasons are valid excuses that God would ever accept for a husband not being the leader of his home.

How can you have confidence that you are called to be the leader in your home?

Paul the apostle made it absolutely clear that the husband must take the leadership in his home when he wrote to the Ephesian church. He commanded: “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything” (Eph. 5:22-24). The word head in this passage means the chief or responsible one. Paul clearly stated the principle of a husband’s responsibility to lead his wife. Furthermore, Paul used the example of Christ as the head over the church so we would all compare our actions with His. Therefore, if you want to be a follower of Jesus; husbands, look to your Master and Teacher as the ultimate example of what true male leadership should look like.

What does it mean to take this position as leader in your home? What should you do?

1. Leading by loving. A husband’s leadership in the home must first be firmly rooted in love. Why? Love is the core principle that should govern everything you say and do. Notice what Paul told the leaders of the Corinthian Church when they needed to take the leadership of their church. Paul told them, “Watch, stand fast in the faith, be brave, be strong. Let all that you do be done with love” (1 Cor. 16:13-14). Therefore, if you need to turn things around in your home you must be strong, brave, act in faith and walk in love. You can be strong and loving at the same time.

Jesus is your ultimate example of a leader. He was strong and yet tender as the circumstances required. He could drive the money changers out of the Temple but hold a child in His arms or weep over Jerusalem. Therefore, let all that you do as a husband and a leader in your home be done with strength, boldness, and with the tenderness of love.

2. Leading by initiating. The first thing love will motivate you to do is to become an initiator. Initiation is at the core of true leadership. A leader doesn’t wait for others to give him an idea; he is the instigator, the one who takes the first move. God’s love initiated a relationship with each of us and we have responded because of that love. “We love Him because He first loved us” (1 John 4:19). Jesus came to seek and to save the lost (Luke 19:10). Jesus was the initiator.

If you love your wife as Christ loved the church you will become an initiator in your relationship. What do I mean? You will initiate the spiritual tone in your home. You will initiate prayer and family devotions. You will be the initiator in problem solving and communication to deal with conflicts or how money is to be spent. You will initiate opportunities to spend time with your spouse. You will take the lead in these and other areas of your marriage because you are the leader. As you do your wife will come to realize, in a very practical way, how much you care about her and the well-being of your family. Your leadership will cause her to trust you.

3. Leading by example. Love will also cause you to lead by your example. Jesus believed that His example was critical and acknowledged this fact. He told the disciples: “I have given you an example that you should do as I have done to you” (John 13:15). Paul followed Christ’s lead and also exhorted his followers to do the same when he said: “Imitate me, just as I also imitate Christ” (1 Cor. 11:1). Can you say these words to your wife and children?

Being an example is especially important if you desire your wife and children to have a sincere respect for you as the leader of your home. Do you want your wife and children to simply respect you because you are the head of your home, or because they see your godly behavior, loving actions, and walk of faith?

Consider then, are you leading by example in your home? Are you an example of godliness in your speech, patience, purity, faith, your pursuit of God, personal discipline, and your commitment to moral principles? Can you say to your wife and children, “I want you to follow Christ just like I follow Him?” And when you fail to be the example, are you an example of honest humble acknowledgement of your failure? Anyone can respect a personal and honest admission of failure. It is only when failure occurs and there is a cover-up that your family will lose respect.

4. Leading in management. Do you realize that as a husband you are to be the manager of your entire family? This doesn’t mean that you do everything in your family but you make sure it all gets done. Paul explained this truth of leadership when he instructed Timothy concerning the qualifications required for men to take a leadership role in the church. He taught, “If a man does not know how to rule his own house, how will he take care of the church of God?” (1 Tim. 3:5). The word rule is translated in the New American Standard Version of the Bible as manage. This is probably the best translation for this word.

You are the manager of your household just like someone who oversees and manages a business or company. To manage well, you need to have full knowledge of all that goes on in your home. This means you must be asking about the spiritual life of each person in your home, watch over the finances, oversee the discipline of your children, and make sure the practical things of the home are accomplished. Yes, this is a lot to take care of, but this is the responsibility of the head of the home. So, let’s look at some of these responsibilities in more detail.

5. Leading spiritually. How can and should you spiritually lead your wife and children? To accomplish this task you first must be a spiritually committed man. It is obvious that you cannot lead anyone anywhere if you have not been there first. This is what Jesus meant when He reproved the Pharisees saying: “They are blind leaders of the blind. And if the blind leads the blind, both will fall into a ditch” (Matt. 15:14). Jesus was using an obvious metaphor to illustrate that these religious leaders had spiritual blindness and could not fulfill their responsibilities of leadership.

Do you have the spiritual eyesight necessary to lead your wife and children into the kingdom? Without knowing what the truth is, how can you lead them into the truth (Ps. 25:5)? To be this kind of leader you must do as Jesus commanded: “Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you” (Matt. 6:33). Unless you take the lead to seek first the kingdom, none of the other aspects of your leadership will have any effect upon your wife or children. Why? Because they will see the contradiction between what you tell them to do versus what you are doing by your example.

Is Christ really first in your life? Is He your first love (Rev. 2:4-5)? Are you a man who has given himself to the Word of God and prayer on a daily basis so you can lead your family into the truth? Are you a man who practices what he preaches? This is where true leadership begins and is sustained.

The simplest and easiest way I have found to minister to my wife and family on a regular basis is to follow a principle given by Moses. “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength. And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up” (Deut. 6:5-7). When you sit at the dinner table, or drive in your car, or at bed time, share what God has taught you from your devotional time in the Scriptures that day. If God has planted His Words in your heart, share them with your wife and children. In doing so you are washing your wife and children with the water of Word of God (Eph. 5:26-27). This is how you can nourish them with the truth of God (Eph. 5:29; Eph. 6:4). When you sit, walk, and lie down are the times when you are together with your wife and children. Therefore, take these opportunities that you have when you are together.

6. Leading morally. Moral leadership naturally flows from the depth of your spiritual life. Without being fully committed to Christ you will have few unchangeable moral standards. Why? Unless your heart is anchored in the truth of God’s Word you will be led by your feelings, emotions, or the opinion of others. The Word of God must be the foundation for every moral decision that will be made in your life and home. This is the only way you can ever expect the blessings God has promised to be yours. Jesus expected that each of us would determine what is right and do it. He challenged the multitudes one day: “Yes, and why, even of yourselves, do you not judge what is right” (Luke 12:57)? He wanted them to make moral decisions regarding right and wrong and then to live that way.

Consequently, are your moral decisions based upon your own selfish desires or are they based upon God’s truth? Is your life an example of moral compromise or of the godly standards that you declare to your wife and children? Do you speak the truth in love or do you shade the truth when it suits you? The answer to these questions will determine the moral leadership in your home.

7. Leading in reconciliation. Taking the lead in reconciliation after you have had a conflict with your wife or children is an essential aspect of moral and spiritual leadership in your home. Remember that Jesus took the lead to initiate reconciliation with you. He came to “seek and to save that which was lost” (Luke 19:10). To follow His example you must do the same. This is true leadership.

However, are you the one who walks away and slams the door behind you when a conflict arises? Do you go off to pout when your wife doesn’t agree with you? Do you harden your heart or manipulate the emotions of your wife or children by your angry explosions or deadly silence? If you do, this is a sign of spiritual immaturity and childish behavior. You need to grow up and take the lead by humbling yourself to seek a solution. Take the first step by seeking reconciliation with anyone in your family when there has been a conflict. Jesus said, “Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye” (Matt. 7:5). In other words, according to Jesus it is hypocritical for anyone to look at another person’s fault before we examine our own. Jesus also said, “Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against yo
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