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https://www.huffpost.com/entry/im-letting-my-wife-go_b_4789396
Перевести · 15.02.2014 · Additionally, I have to let go of my fears that she might fly away and never come back. If the fish were to clip the bird's wings, he would risk trimming her dreams and smothering her altogether. That being said, I wish I could say that I'm perfect at letting my wife …
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/hlg-im-letting-wife-go
Перевести · 10.09.2014 · I have to let her go so she can chase her dreams, pursue her education, and develop her talents. Additionally, I have to let go of my fears that she might fly away and never come back. If the fish ...
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Home / Featured Content / I’m Letting My Wife Go
I’m sure it may come as a shock to some people, but I let my wife go. It was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do, but it was the right thing for the both of us.
No, we’re not getting a divorce and no, we’re not separating. Truth be told, the practice of “letting go” has actually brought us closer together. But in order to understand what I mean by “letting go,” you must first understand that Kim and I are two very different people.
In fact, the differences between us were Kim’s primary concern with us getting married. “Seth, a fish may love a bird,” she said. “But where would they live?”*
I smiled at the comparison because it’s fairly accurate.
So we put our faith in that love and did the only thing a fish and a bird could do: we got married and built a bird bath.
Kim and I are incredibly different people. She’s the oldest in her family; I’m the youngest in mine. She’s very responsible; I’m…very much not. She loves the city; I prefer the country. She loves healthy food; I love junk food. She enjoys school; I despise school. She wants to watch British dramas; I’d rather watch comedies. She loves to sing and dance; I’d rather not. She prefers flying; I prefer driving. She loves to be with people, and I’d prefer to be alone. Kim is a driven, career-minded, goal-oriented woman, while I, on the other hand, am a laid-back fellow who prefers gardening and writing over anything else.
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To put it simply, Kim is an extrovert while I am an introvert. Frankly, it sometimes amazes me that Kim and I even met—let alone got married!
But after knowing Kim for ten years, I knew that I simply couldn’t live without her.
Despite their many differences, the fish loved the bird and the bird loved the fish.
So we put our faith in that love and did the only thing a fish and a bird could do: we got married and built a bird bath.
So, if you truly love someone, have the faith to “let them go.” Encourage them to be the fullest measure of themselves, and you will be overwhelmed by the love that your spouse returns to you.
The bird bath is a symbol for our middle ground—the place where we come together—but it’s also the place from which we feel comfortable to let each other go. To “let go” of someone is to love them enough to let them fly or swim away (or to be themselves) and yet trust that they will always come back.
For if we truly love each other, we have to be willing to “let each other go” to become the best versions of ourselves. Kim encourages me to keep swimming (develop my talents), and I encourage her to fly higher (chase her dreams).
Abusive, one-sided relationships are heartbreaking to me. How can we claim to love someone and then try to limit that person’s identity? Marriage is a union, to be sure, but it’s a union that should liberate, not incarcerate. Real love shouldn’t limit a person’s potential, it should expand it.
Real love tells me to let Kim fly and trust that she’ll always come back. I have to let her go so she can chase her dreams, pursue her education, and develop her talents. Additionally, I have to let go of my fears that she might fly away and never come back. If the fish were to clip the bird’s wings, he would risk trimming her dreams and smothering her altogether.
That being said, I wish I could say that I’m perfect at letting my wife fly. But I’m not. In the end, we’re still two very different people. I have some deeply rooted insecurities, and we’ve had to learn to navigate each other’s personalities.
But while I certainly can’t tell you that I’m perfect, I can tell you that every time I’ve encouraged Kim to fly she loves me all the more for supporting her and having the faith to let her go.
So, if you truly love someone, have the faith to “let them go.” Encourage them to be the fullest measure of themselves, and you will be overwhelmed by the love that your spouse returns to you.
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Seth is an internationally acclaimed, best-selling author and blogger. In 2013, his blog post "Marriage Isn't for You" received over thirty million hits and was translated into over twenty languages. His new book, "Your Life Isn't For You," was published in September 2014! Read more of his writings at www.SethAdamSmith.com
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Seth, Come back and let us know how it went 20 years from now. An introvert eventually gets jealous, and an extrovert eventually gets resentful for the quiet, lonely partner.
Thoughtful discussion , I was fascinated by the insight . Does someone know if I can find a sample IRS 1040 – Schedule E copy to use ?
It’s the same with our marriage. I’m an introvert and my wife is an extrovert. Ironically, my job takes place exclusively outside the house (I’m an international courier and travel all over the world), whereas my wife works from home. She is an administrative assistant and her employer closed their offices, as the work can be done at home. However, she does like to go out to social gatherings, especially groups for women, and I encourage her to do that, whether I’m home at the time or not. I know she needs this.
I am an introverted man married to another introverted man. Our relationship works because we are introverted. We meet in the middle when we are done with our indeoendent time with what we like to do and then come together to enjoy what we like in common. We are both homebodies and enjoy the comforts of home or the outdoors, not the social gay scene. I dated an extrovert for two years i loved him but mostly felt alone when being out and about, as extroverts will tend to dominate the plans. I had fun with him but could not… Read more »
I still dearly love my fish. Though I keep flying, as he wanted me to, I wish he’d let me join him in the waters again.
I am reading the comments here and I don’t even think that you people read the article, let alone understand his message. They didn’t break up, nor get divorced, nor give up. When two people’s lives and personalities are so unique from one another, you hope that they work together to stay true to themselves, yet be willing to trim a little so the pieces fit together like a complementary puzzle. They must think win-win to problems and not give up until a synergistic solution presents itself. They become one coin where each side is completely unique, yet somehow together… Read more »
Indeed, like many of the other commenters I was like the fish (nice, laid-back, and introverted) and my ex was very much a bird (brash, wild, and energetic). We met when I was 17 and she 15 and were together for 8 years. I don’t want to control anyone so I let her fly. So she found another extrovert just like her that would fly with her. I’m left reading a bunch of articles on sites like this, trying to learn to love again and not be miserable. Fun times.
I was a bird caged in a fish tank. I tried to swim for 16 years but finally needed to find my wings. Thankfully I am flying now with my two little birds. My fish is happily swimming with another bird.
I really wish this had been out 15 years ago it’s great info I’ve tried off and on but usually panic and try to regain control which I know is not fair if anyone has any advice I’m open to suggestions
I let my ex fly and we divorced. She felt trapped with me even I being a nice guy.I think an extrovert person will meet an introvert only when lile a the bird this person has fallen and need help. Once the bird has been able to fly again it will leave the introvert . Being too introvert is not good.for relatioships in general.
I am an introvert woman who has failed at relationships with introvert men. I have felt intimidated by extroverts all my life; I always said I lack charisma and personality etc. But lately I have tried to be a little more extrovert and surprisingly I have gotten comment from close friends of how refreshing I am when I joke and let my sarcasm out. I am finding a balance between both worlds. I need my solo time, I cannot negotiate that-I need to go to some places by myself. However I also need people, I need to noise of voices… Read more »
As much as this sound the most logical and reasonable thing to do in a couple, we humans in the dawn of the XXI century don’t act like this, this story sounds more like a romcom fiction than anything else (I’m not saying that’s isn’t real), I’m from Mexico, and we got married and then four years later we got divorced, it was the best choice we could made after going to therapy for a year, she’s now living her life at his full and I’m miserable but that’s our choice (I mean that’s the baggage I’ve got on me)… Read more »
As a female “bird” in involved in a bird-and-fish relationship, I can say that this might not be about “letting go,” at least not entirely. Sure, cutting somebody’s wings would be counterproductive – it might work for a while but eventually it will explode in your face. However, if we, birds, only wanted to do things on our own and for our own sake, we probably wouldn’t have fallen in love with you and wouldn’t need a relationship. The truth is that on the very basic level we want to love you and we want to be loved by you,… Read more »
unfortunately it doesn’t work out well with everyone. We loved eachother. I let her fly. She ended up meeting a companion to fly with. And one day asked me to leave because she was in love with him. I can’t stop loving her and she can’t do anything but pity me. No, she was not a bitch. Its just that when u fly .. Its the ppl in the flock who seem even more attractive. You join the flock. And the people.
I think it’s absolutely beautiful when two completely different people can come together in harmony. Each relationship we go through is an opportunity to examine our selves via the mirror that our partner holds up. In this case, with an extrovert and an introvert, our deepest seated insecurities and fears come out. It’s painful adjusting to being so exposed and vulnerable. And yet, it’s been an entirely liberating experience on my end as well. I am the introvert and I feel more loved than I have ever before knowing that she loves me all the more because of my faults… Read more »
I won’t say I can completely relate, my relationship lasted 3 years (way shorter than yours), and at the last year I encouraged my partner to fly higher. She did, she is going to be able to study abroad and be more extroverted as she once was. Oh, and she found another extroverted which whom she can have a ‘long and complete’ conversation with, amongst other things. I do not regret supporting her, I feel bad about being dumped and being replaced after 3 weeks by this other guy. Can people just move on that fast? If they can, she… Read more »
It sad to hear your story but as everybody of us say; this is life. Now, to answer your question : Can people can move on that fast? My answer is, when someone is really in love it isn’t that fast! If you are struggling to move on it means you are truly in love with her. It hurts to let go of someone we really love. To let go is easier said than done. Try going out yourself, open your heart and look around. Time heals your broken heart. Try to release that feelings thru meditation and focus on… Read more »
Same thing happened to me, except we were not married. I’m a 100% introvert that has managed to master the art of appearing extrovert…. after a 6 year relationship, encouraging my extremely extrovert partner to go out, pursue her dreams, nourished her out of a deep depression after a horrific accident, she ended up leaving with another extrovert. It was painful? Yes. Do I think I made the wrong choice? Absolutely not. Have I done it differently? At that time probably not. Will I do the same in my next relationship? Absolutely not. I think part of love and commitment… Read more »
I am almost 100% like you, and my wife is practically a clone of yours. I did what you did – I let her go out with her friends, encouraged her to start that one business, organize a class reunion (which is done very rarely here in Spain) and travel. We sign the divorce papers on Monday. Just a word of caution – letting her go might result in her leaving.
I forgot to add ~ it was still the right thing to do, even if she made the wrong decision in the end.
Had the same experienced with my husband….( Well, ex-husband. But I guess all is for the best. Maybe these people never truly loved us…
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