Ex Wife Relationship Right Away

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My partner is very close to his ex-wife and her new husband – maybe too close
Annalisa Barbieri advises a woman who feels threatened by her partner's close relationship with his former wife and her new man
I've been in a relationship for over a year with a man who has a very close relationship with his ex-wife. She remarried and has a one-year-old child. My partner is godfather and guardian to this child, a role he is very proud of. He was also best man at the wedding. He has had several holidays/weekends away with this couple (often as part of a group) and regularly has dinner at their home. His ex-wife has a number of "ex-boyfriends" who she tries to maintain as friends. I have seen private glances that she gives my partner when she is annoyed with her own husband and he comes to her defence if she comments on her own relationship.
Mutual friends of both my partner and his ex-wife have advised him to stop spending as much time with them as he now needs to focus on his relationship with me. They also said that, before he met me, he expressed a wish to them that he had done things differently to maintain his relationship with his ex-wife.
We have had several arguments about this. Initially, I did not object to his relationship with her as they married young and were together for 10 years. I do not object in principle to my partner having a relationship with his ex, but I need to be sure that it is healthy.
At times I feel that he does not like being left out of events they organise or when they are seeing other friends. She has unusual hobbies and interests that he finds exciting. This makes me feel unsure of where I stand. It also makes me feel that I will always play second fiddle.
We are making plans to move forward with our relationship, but I have doubts and do not feel that he always considers my feelings. His ex-wife and her husband have been always been very friendly to me, and my partner has tried to reassure me that he will always put my needs first.
I do not want to come between them but cannot continue with these doubts.
There are three things that need to be aligned: your perception of the situation; the reality of the situation; and what you're happy with. The latter is key. People getting on with their exes, just like people having platonic friends of the opposite sex, is regarded with suspicion by those with no experience of it.
It is perfectly possible to not get on in a relationship but get on really well as friends. It doesn't happen often but I can't help thinking that if things are genuine, it says something good about your partner. Some would say it's a mark of maturity.
However, sometimes people kid themselves and are more emotionally involved than they let on.
I talked at length about your situation to Lorraine Davies-Smith, a family psychotherapist (aft.org.uk). There are some things she wants you to think about. She wonders if "the new husband is also perturbed with the way his wife and her ex-husband relate to one another. If so, this may help the problem to not become just your problem. It is important to remember that this is about four adults and one child, not three adults only."
She also wants you to think about which parts specifically of the relationship you find upsetting and which parts you are not troubled by.
In this kind of scenario, says Davies-Smith, everyone in the situation will bring to the table their own beliefs and experiences about how breakups should be conducted, who should stay friends, etc. This can colour how we judge new, unrelated situations.
What neither Davies-Smith nor I want is for your feelings to be "simply dismissed as that of a jealous person". You shouldn't put up with this just because you fear not looking "cool" about your partner's friendship with his ex-wife. But it would also be a shame to walk away from a good relationship that is perfectly healthy just because your boyfriend is friendly with his former wife. Few relationships are simple these days.
Ultimately, Davies-Smith says: "When the balance shifts so that you spend more time ruminating about this, and there is more pain in it than pleasure, this would be the time to move on".
Contact Annalisa Barbieri, The Guardian, Kings Place, 90 York Way, London N1 9GU or email annalisa.barbieri@mac.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
Follow Annalisa on Twitter @AnnalisaB
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Inappropriate Relationship with Ex-Wife?
I am concerned about my boyfriend's relationship with his ex-wife. We have been dating for almost three years, and they have been divorced for over four years. Because they are co-parenting a 7 year-old, they interact with each other on a regular basis. My boyfriend says that he doesn't like his ex and wishes for them to have a strictly business relationship, but she seems to want to be his best buddy -- and even more, if he would let her.
While he and I have been together, she has tried to get him to have sex with her twice. The first time was more of an indirect insinuation that my boyfriend wasn't sure how to take, but soon after she went for a more verbally direct approach. After this less ambiguous second attempt, he removed her from all of his social networking site profiles, ended the conversation every time she began talking about anything other than their child, and of course told her outright that he was not interested in her anymore and never would be again.
A couple of things have raised my suspicions since then, however. First, my boyfriend turns down the volume on his cell phone when his ex calls while we're in the car, and when she calls when we are inside, he leaves the room to talk to her. He does not do this when anyone else calls him.
The other day, he turned down the cell phone when I walked in the room but couldn't do it fast enough. I heard her talking about something on the phone that had nothing to do with his child. When he hung up, I asked him what the call was about, and he got flustered and tongue-tied when he told me. The content of their conversation was indeed benign (he didn't realize I had heard the beginning, but did in fact confirm what I heard), something friends might have, but not the business-like conversation that he claims he only has with her. When I pressed him as to why she thought she could just randomly call to chat it up with him like best buds, he said that he didn't know, that he was just as confused about it as I was, and that it was the first time she had called him not about his child in "awhile." I want to believe my boyfriend, but it sounded more like a continuance of an earlier conversation, which means that he could potentially be lying, and for no real good reason either, since the content of the conversation itself wasn't incriminating.
The other major incident involves him drinking alone with her. My boyfriend bought me a specific type of alcohol that I enjoy but that he does not like. Obviously, I didn't drink it all at once, so there was some left over. When I went over to his house and opened the fridge, I saw that a few were missing. I thought that maybe he had tried some on his own and liked it (it's the small victories, right?) so I jokingly made a comment about him finally coming around to my drinks. He became flustered and said that it wasn't him, that he hopes I won't be upset but that he and his ex-wife had some drinks together when she dropped off his child for the weekend. Yes -- not only did he and his ex drink alone together one night, but he also let her drink the special surprise drinks that he got for me. And I know he didn't let her drive home right away, which means that they sat around drinking and talking for quite awhile before she left. And he obviously wasn't going to tell me about it; the only reason he told me is because I noticed that some of my drinks were gone...
He acknowledged that it was inappropriate to have drinks with her, especially since she has sexually propositioned him while the two of us have been dating. He says he can't even remember what they talked about that night, and that nothing happened other than talking and drinking. I also briefly talked to him about the phone incident, and he said he will talk to her about having a more business-like relationship... but as of a couple of hours ago, he admitted that he still hasn't brought it up with her. His excuse for turning down the volume on the phone and leaving the room when she calls is that he knows that she annoys me and he wants to spare me from annoyance.
I am not sure what to trust right now. My guard is definitely up, and it's affecting my relationship with him. I know that I have nothing physically to worry about -- not to be mean, but she's not much of a looker -- but she is the mother of his child. I would have never suspected anything if not for him hiding phone calls, drinking with her, and (in all probability) lying about the frequency of her "BFF" calls to him.
I know he's not cheating on me, but I worry that she will once again try to seduce him. I also worry that they are re-forming a strong emotional connection, which of course could overcome all the physical attractiveness issues he has about her. Oh, and she also refuses to change her last name back, even four years later, which annoys both me and my boyfriend, and leads us to believe that she is trying to get him back, especially because she started crying when he asked her about it...
Some outside opinions about this situation would be awesome. I don't want to ask my friends or family because I don't want them to have a negative opinion of him. Am I being too suspicious? Should I be concerned at all about any of this, and if so, what aspects and in what way? I've obviously somewhat confronted my boyfriend about all of this, but in a casual way. Should I do so in a more serious manner? And if so, what do I say? Any help would be greatly appreciated... thanks so much!!!!
Good news, my boyfriend called and said he talked to his ex-wife about the "BFF" phone calls issue this morning. She was apparently "weird" and perplexed about it, which makes me wonder if he ever even talked to her about it in the first place a year ago like he said he did? Ah, the "fun" stuff that those of us who have divorced significant others have to go through! 😄
Leaving the room to talk to her could be foul play or a way to discuss something privately to make things less complicated. I doubt the "BFF" talk though, because you said:
As for drinks, that goes against a "strict, business relationship". It has nothing to do with parenting. It is good that he talked to her about the concerns that you mentioned. See what progress happens in a month.
Thanks for responding! I am starting to think that my boyfriend leaving the room/turning down the volume when she calls really is more of a way to avoid complication, as you said. He likes to compartmentalize things, and he hates confrontation. I think he is worried that his ex-wife and I will have some huge confrontation if I hear what she says, which of course isn't the case. But that's his fear, I guess -- getting caught in the middle of something like that.
So I think my boyfriend is making sure that the ex-wife and I only minimally cross paths, not just physically but also in terms of communication in general. After all, he knows I have had a problem with her (and for good reason!) ever since she tried to seduce him. But the drinking with her issue is what really set everything off, and it still irks me to no end. I'm so over-analytical that I could never have drinks alone with any male other than my boyfriend, let alone with an ex. I would mentally tear myself up and down and around again if I ever did that, because I would be concerned that my boyfriend would be hurt. But he and I have opposite personalities in a lot of ways, and he probably didn't even think about how it could be construed until after it happened. *sigh* As such a careful, deliberate person, it's so hard to understand more impulsive people sometimes!
Thanks again for your response. I will definitely take the "wait and see" approach and hope that everything progresses favorably. 😊
You're welcome. Feel free to keep me updated.
uh sorry dear...you have been played.... do not allow yourself to be treated like u r nothing. Which is what he is doing by being that close to her, not to mention a lone. mike S
JEEZE! i 100% AGREE! DONT BE SO UMM, NIEVE. PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!
TWICE THAT YOU KNOW ABOUT......... AND NOTHING EVER HAPPENED. BETWEEN THEM IT PROBABLY WOULD SEEM LIKE IT SHOULD SEEM LIKE IT'S NOTHING. SINCE IT'S ALL SO FAMILIARITYYY KIND OF THING. FOR YOU THOUGH, I WOULD HOPE YOU WOULDNT LET IT BE AN OK THING. BECAUSE IT'S NOT NOT NOT@!
Oh boy. Sorry sweetie but it doesnt sound very innocent in any direction I/WE can even try to imagine.
3 years. Already a contest with the "EX" who clearly thinks she can have him when she wants to - so sorry but bets are that she is correct. Think about it.
If you don’t mind me saying so I believe you have put in enough time with this one. There is nothing ok with what he is doing. I have been there and done that. The fortunate thing for me is that my now husband understood quickly where he was going wrong and made changes quickly. He also has a child that is now 14. I understand a lot of what you are saying enough to tell you to move on if he isn’t willing to make the proper adjustments. Other than raising his child, your relationship should take priority. They decided it didn’t work so what is this great need to maintain this new bond. My husband and I have a great relationship. His relationship with his ex is strained only because she wants what doesn’t belong to her anymore. My children share their father with our (his) other son because he is the father to all of them, but I will not share a husband with another woman. There can only be one wife. She always tried to call for issues unrelated to their child. She had a bad day, something upset her. He cannot be her emotional support in that way. He can’t be the first one she runs to. She opted out of having him in this manner. They need to build a relationship that allows room for them to have lives with someone else, unless that is not their plan. I can’t say if you can trust him or not, but I do know if he won’t seriously consider reigning in that relationship I would make other plans. If you eventually want to marry him I can tell you blended families can be a challenge. It would be so much harder if the two of you aren’t on that same page and dedicated to being a united front.
Completely agree with what tlmac12 has said just there. Don't leave it at that. Sure, he tells you he has had the phone call with her to tell her not to keep ringing on a social level. But will she listen? What did he actually say to her? It would've been good if he'd done the call while you were there so you could hear.
Goodness knows what they talk about when she calls. The drinking alone with her thing would completely irk me too and it rightly is still annoying you also.
Please don't just leave it at this - it isn't right. He needs to realise that it hurts when hes like that with her.
Keep an eye on things over the next few weeks and see how it pans out.
I am going through similar things and I am not ok with it at all. From things that have happened between my bf and his ex in the past I have reasons to not completely trust him. If he can not talk to her in front of me then something is being said that he doesn't want me to hear, so why would I be ok with that? And why should you be ok with that?
A business like tone is the only appropriate way to coparent, and that is all that should be going on. Their only conversations should have to do with their child.
Anything other than that is not acceptable.
It sounds like he is trying to do what is right but the ex has other plans on her agenda and from the looks of it her plans are coming through! When a women ..especially an ex wants something she will stop at nothing to get it. Whether she wants him back, wants him in the sack, needs favors whatever. The ex knows what buttons to push, it used to be her man she knows him inside and out. If he is a logical guy and you explain all this to him he will understand and proceed with the business like relationship he wants..on the other hand guys are saps..he maybe liking the attention and will most likely brush it off to you as something innocent. Put your foot down.
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