Dating Someone 25 Years Younger Than You

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I’m Dating a Guy Almost 20 Years Younger Than Me
xoJane is Jane Pratt’s site where women are applauded for their honesty.
This post originally appeared on xoJane.
I’m 45. I’ve been through two unsuccessful marriages. I drive a red Camaro. I guess you can say I’m in the throes of a major midlife crisis. I’ve been checking a lot of things off of my bucket list. One of them was to try my hand at stand-up comedy. The first thing you learn in Stand-up 101 is “write what you know.” I’ve had a lot of life experiences one could label as interesting, but my current dating situation is certainly fodder for comedy — and maybe it shouldn’t be.
A 40-something lady and her “midlife crisis mobile.” Photo credit: Carlos Navarro/Photography by Navarro
In my act, I start by addressing my age, my failed marriages and the fact that I’m constantly at the hair salon and Ulta, just like Dolly Parton once famously quipped, “It takes a lot of money to look this cheap.” I say that because of all of this, I’m constantly called the “c-word” — that “c-word” being “cougar.” I do really hate that word. But, when you’re dating someone almost 19 years younger than you, the association is inevitably going to happen.
So, how did I end up in this situation? Well, since my divorce, my experiences in the online dating world have been pretty disastrous, to say the least. Every time I gave OKCupid a try, I specified my desired age range for a mate to be between 35 and 55 years old — and I’d get constantly barraged with messages from enthusiastic young 20-somethings looking to be my “cub.” The perception that I’m (supposedly) at my sexual peak seemed to be the prime motivation for these boys to reach out to me. Not that it was very different from the responses I got from men my age — they were just far less eager and often downright aloof.
One guy I dated on and off I dubbed “Copperfield” (as in magician David Copperfield), as he’d disappear for weeks at a time between dates. I also had more than one man my age ask if I’d like to enter into a “friends with benefits” arrangement. No thanks. My prospects were drying up rapidly and I was getting increasingly discouraged,
I was still poking around on Tinder and Match when my best girlfriend told me about a guy. I have always been a big fan of stand-up comics. I dated one when I was in my early 20s and he’s still one of my best friends. When my BFF told me the guy was a comedian — and then sent me his picture, I was immediately interested. He did look a bit younger than me (he has what can best be described as a baby face). I asked my friend how old he was, to which she replied, “He’s in his early 30s.” Both my husbands were a few years younger than me, but I had never been with someone over 10 years younger than me. I had been on a few dates with 30-somethings, but nothing really came of those.
He and I met soon after and were instantly attracted. It took us a few months to actually start dating — I was still trying to make it work with guys my own age and he had other pursuits for a while as well. I was honestly hesitant at the start — what was I going to tell my family?
I broached the topic first with my aunt/godmother. She’s younger than my mom (she’s the one who introduced me to rock ‘n’ roll, so I figured she’d be as good a jumping-off point as any). I told her what the situation was and she helpfully boiled it down for me. She asked me, “Are you happy?” I said, “Yes I am.” She countered with “Well, that’s all that matters.”
I still haven’t told my folks, but I suspect my mom has figured it out. I’m okay with not having to discuss it further for the time being.
I mean, really... Could you resist this adorable face? Photo credit: Hilary Katzen/H. Katzen Photos
There are some “cultural” differences that occur when you’re dating a younger guy. I was a junior in college when he was born. He’s never seen “Raising Arizona” but he loves Bob Dylan and Jim Croce. He still thinks farts are a little too funny. He describes himself as an “old soul.” I’ve taken him to social gatherings where he was one of the youngest adults there, and, thanks to his amazing sense of humor and the fact that he performs on stage in front of hundreds of strangers a week, he’s blended in with flying colors.
So, we’re making a go at it. The age thing doesn’t really bother me. In reality, I am old enough to technically be his mother, but I still don’t care. I get the occasional look — especially when we go out for drinks and get carded (hey, at least I’m still getting carded) and I’m pretty sure more than one person thought that, with our similar hair, skin and eye colors, that we were either brother and really older sister or mom and son, but the pros far outweigh the cons in our relationship.
We have fun together. He’s turned me on to some new music and I’ve introduced him to some “classic” movies (if you consider “Better Off Dead” a classic movie — which you really should.) He’s an amazing cook. He sends me a text or Facebook message every day. He gives great hugs. He really loves me. That’s all I need.
I know I’m still going to have to defend my decision to a lot of people — and I’m ready to do so. You only have one life and it’s really short. I want to see where this goes for a while. I want to be happy. Until I’m no longer happy in this relationship (if that even happens), I’m going to enjoy every moment.
You know, I could go on and on about the whole double standard thing — but you and I both know that’s not going to change anytime soon and I feel like talking about it is just a waste of breath. I just thought sharing my story might help shatter the stereotype of the “c-word.” The moral of the story: Be with whoever makes you happy. Don’t worry what anyone else thinks. I sure don’t.
7 Awesome Ways Relationships Can Boost Your Health
A just-published study published in the Journal of Clinical Oncology suggests that marriage may help improve cancer survival rates. According to the findings, men and women who were married were about 20 percent less likely to die of cancer during the three-year study period, regardless of how advanced the disease was (although it’s worth noting that the benefits appeared to be stronger for men). The “why” isn’t clear, and the study does not establish cause and effect, but researchers hypothesize that having someone who cares for you and who helps you understand your diagnosis might be behind the connection. And it’s not the first study to show a link; a paper published in November 2012 found that socially isolated women were more likely to die of breast cancer than their counterparts with close social ties.
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Home Articles Etiquette Etiquette Advice How to date a woman who’s younger than you
What can make you more attractive than your younger rivals?
Some of the most powerful men in the world have managed to attract women half their age. Take supermodel (and ex-wife of Mick Jagger), Jerry Hall, who married media magnate Rupert Murdoch after a four-month whirlwind romance. Hall is 59, Murdoch is 84. This will be the Murdoch’s 4th marriage. Murdoch’s previous wife Wendy Deng is only 49. So, aside from the comfortable networth of $12.4 billion, how did he do it?
If you yourself are planning on doing a Murdoch (with 25 years’ difference), Rod Stewart (he’s 26 years older than his wife), Olivier Sarkozy (17 years older than his) and dating a lady considerably younger than yourself, there are a few things you need to know first. Because when it comes to cross-generation dating, the devil is most definitely in the detail…
First things first, know your audience. What makes you more attractive than your younger rivals?
In most cases, an higher age means more maturity. And more often than not that’s what a girl looks for in a man. Don’t try and dumb yourself down to sound like guys her age, that’s not why she’s with you. Instead, act your age and keep her on her toes – in the best way possible.
Self-assuredness is of course something that comes with time. I think most of my female friends would agree that even though a man may be a few years out of university, that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s grown up or responsible. Lad culture takes a long time to die.
With maturity comes responsibility, and girls love a guy who can take responsibility. Younger gentlemen don’t have the same prospects of stability and self-assurance as the older man. Chances are, the older gent has a home, a mortgage and less of a ‘live month-to-month’ approach to his salary.
A younger guy isn’t too interested on being serious or settling down, but if you’re older and she’s with you, chances are she’s looking for these things and assumes you are, too. It might not have been wholly proven yet, but for biological reasons alone women do have, shall we say, a slight inclination to be more responsible than men the same age as them. So younger women dating older men technically makes quite a lot of sense.
If you’re going through a divorce, you’ve got a couple of illegitimate children running around somewhere, or you have a huge mortgage to pay off, tell her. She will most likely be expecting something like this to come up, and hiding it isn’t going to do you any favours.
If you read the paragraph about Murdoch, Sarkosy and Stewart, you probably spotted one common theme: all of these gentlemen are incredibly wealthy. Within any huge age gap, you’re bound to get judged. People are going to assume the worst. Why would she be with someone 20 years her senior when she could be with someone her own age? Don’t let the haters get to you, gentlemen. If it’s other guys doing the talking, they’re jealous. If it’s girls, they just want to be with you.
Instead, avoid stereotyping be making sure you split the bill, holidays, homes. This issue is unavoidable and definitely not exclusive to relationships where there is a big age gap. Who pays for what is common ground anywhere, and whether that causes an imbalance in a relationship is well-trodden ground. In most scenarios you should play it by ear. There is no hard and fast rule.
This is very simple. If the relationship is based around a financial transaction rather than a romantic one, and you’re paying for your squeeze’s higher education, rent or nights out with the girls, then you are, dear Sir, a Sugar Daddy. Each to their own.
Sure, she might be a good decade younger than you, but that doesn’t mean that her feelings, thoughts or ideas are any less important. Never pawn something off or brush it to the side because she’s younger and therefore you don’t think it’s important. Instead, remember that you were once her age, and what’s important to her now was once important to you, too.
Never start a sentence with ‘when I was your age’, ‘you wouldn’t remember it when that single/film/book came out…’ – she knows you’re older, she’s dating you. There’s nothing more irritating to a girl than being patronised and this is absolutely not the way to keep her. Instead, use your maturity and your wealth of worldly knowledge to charm her socks off.
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