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Written By: Kevin Wallevand | 10:10 pm, Nov. 12, 2019
Advisory: This TV story contains images some viewers might find objectionable
Many stories come from WDAY viewers, and so, when a local mother contacted us about concerns she had for her daughter's safety, we looked into an active scene in the Fargo-Moorhead area that many might not know exists.
The mother, who chooses to remain anonymous to preserve her family's privacy, says she knew something was up with her 22-year-old daughter, who had once been active in her church and close to family.
"I can tell when my daughter is not telling me the truth," she explains. "I had noticed a change in her different friends, going to the same places at the same time every week."
Soon, her daughter cut off communication, and the mother took to Facebook to seek her out. Then, she got an email.
"Somebody sent me a link to a website and it had pictures of my daughter tied up — sexually," she said, explaining that some of the photos contained images of whipping.
Her daughter has become a member of a growing BDSM community in Fargo, which derives its name from an acronym that stands for bondage and discipline, domination and submission, and sadism and masochism.
The mother says she fell down on the floor crying when she saw the pictures of her daughter. "Nobody wants to see a picture of their daughter like that. I was devastated."
But a BDSM group in Fargo led by a woman who goes by the name of Miss Heart says it's all legal and has strict rules.
"If it is not consensual, it is not BDSM," she explains. "No one is forcing you to do this, or to do things you don't want to do."
Still, for those not familiar with the bondage and discipline subculture, the photos are alarming.
"This is abuse," the mother says. "The photos are unbelievable."
"A true power exchange is entered into only when both parties have discussed, at great length, what is wanted in a dynamic or scene," she explains. "Limits and boundaries are defined and understood, the terms are negotiated very clearly and respected."
Local members taking part in the group consent to being burned, cut and bruised.
"The reason I enjoy pain — when I want pain — is I want to get to a place in my mind where it just goes away, and I will go until I have a nice, cathartic cry," Miss Heart explains. "It is a hurt that I want and I need."
Ropes, fire and electricity are used during scenes that play out at various venues.
"Absolutely nobody under the age of 18 is allowed — we check IDs," Miss Heart said. "(There is) informed consent so (they are) informed of what they are entering into and what they are doing."
Miss Heart says her organization fills a void for some of those in her group who attend public and private events weekly in the F-M area.
"When you are outcast from society because you are not the norm, or vanilla, when you have been called a freak ... then you find others that have experienced that and you find a family or home," she said. "Who doesn't want to feel like they belong?"
Still, the concerned mom wants to intervene somehow.
"The BDSM/Kink community, she calls it her new family, her new friends ... I call it a breeding ground for everything negative you want in our community," she said. "How do I stop this? What do I do? Since she is over 18, who can help me? This is not right," she said.
Melissa Williams with Fargo's Rape and Abuse Crisis Center says there are concerns about who knows the backgrounds or monitors the people showing up at BDSM events. The big question, she says, is about clearly defined consent.
"(Participants need to make) sure that conversation is transparent and consensual (and) upfront before taking part in the activity," she explains.
But Shelley Dahl, a licensed sex therapist in the Fargo-Moorhead area, says anxiety over the kink and BDSM community is overblown.
"There is informed agreement among all participants, so it cannot be a safer environment," she explains. "I can't understand why people think it is so bad."
It's unknown whether the mother will reunite with her daughter, but what is certain is that the group is here to stay, because a unique community that was once secret and private is growing.
Still, the mom laments what she sees as the loss of her daughter.
"This is not my daughter I raised," she said. "I don't even know who she is anymore."
101 5th Street North, Fargo, ND 58102

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