34
number of tweets: 395
----------------------- TheWeirdWorld - 6990
Why do Germans use smilies like this :) or this:0 If they already got Ü oh Ö?
----------------------- TheWeirdWorld - 4567
If I were transported to the 1800s with my current knowledge intact, I’d have no idea how to recreate modern technology, none of it.
----------------------- TheWeirdWorld - 4379
Facial recognition software can pick a person out in a crowd, but a vending machine can’t recognize a bill with a bent corner.
----------------------- TheWeirdWorld - 3750
Somewhere in the world, a family has a holiday picture with you unintentionally in the background.
----------------------- TheWeirdWorld - 3565
Being open to admitting that you’re wrong is one of the most undervalued personality traits.
----------------------- TheWeirdWorld - 3489
If opposites attract, I should be dating a gorgeous, billionaire supermodel that has a loving family.
----------------------- TheWeirdWorld - 3454
The letters in books should be glow in the dark.
----------------------- TheWeirdWorld - 3427
If Snow White married Jon Snow she would be Snow Snow.
----------------------- TheWeirdWorld - 3420
When crows remember people who wronged them and hold grudges it’s ‘intelligent’ and ‘really cool’ but when i do it i’m ‘petty’ and ‘need to move on?’.
----------------------- TheWeirdWorld - 3363
No matter how old I get, I always feel like everyone older than myself is a “real” adult and I’m just faking it somehow.
----------------------- TheWeirdWorld - 3232
The first person to test a parachute must be really confident in his invention.
----------------------- TheWeirdWorld - 3220
“Dream job” is an oxymoron. My dream is to not need a job.
----------------------- TheWeirdWorld - 3141
What if Hogwarts is really just a mental hospital. That’s why they “aren’t allowed to do magic in the muggle world”.
----------------------- TheWeirdWorld - 3070
Does THOR actually fly or does he just throw the hammer and hang on?
----------------------- TheWeirdWorld - 2990
There should be a Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong and a family has fun seeing all the different dinosaur attractions.
----------------------- TheWeirdWorld - 2971
Pretending to be sober in public is like doing your best impression of yourself.
----------------------- TheWeirdWorld - 2895
If you replace the velociraptors with geese in Jurassic park, it would probably be equally as entertaining and terrifying
----------------------- TheWeirdWorld - 2847
I had a safe childhood that was full of love. There is no good reason for me to be this fucked up.
----------------------- TheWeirdWorld - 2827
If mosquitoes evolved to consume fat instead of blood, they’d be the most popular creatures on the planet.
----------------------- TheWeirdWorld - 2819
I’m not sure if I’m an introvert or an asshole.
----------------------- TheWeirdWorld - 2641
I’m more likely to say ‘hello’ to a dog on the street than a human.
----------------------- TheWeirdWorld - 2626
The number of hours I sleep in the night is directly proportional to the number of f**ks I give the next day.
----------------------- TheWeirdWorld - 2617
Attached to the scalp, hair is attractive. The instant it detaches, it’s disgusting and unsanitary.
----------------------- TheWeirdWorld - 2531
Applause is weird. “I approve of this, so have some noise.”
----------------------- TheWeirdWorld - 2505
If you can’t handle me at my worst… It’s probably because you have healthy emotional boundaries.
----------------------- TheWeirdWorld - 2307
The response of “stop making excuses” is often used as an excuse not to listen to real concerns.
----------------------- TheWeirdWorld - 2285
If you’re driving a Tesla and it get stolen, is it now an “Edison”?
----------------------- TheWeirdWorld - 2266
I’m a grown man and i still squeak the dog toys in the store when i pass them.
----------------------- TheWeirdWorld - 2085
Butter is food lotion.
----------------------- hashtag_stacks - 1467
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like 'why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?'
----------------------- rockymomax - 1466
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you've never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
----------------------- Brampersandon_ - 1232
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
----------------------- daemonic3 - 1189
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
----------------------- KarlreMarks - 872
Whether he'll make America great again is dubious, but he's certainly fucking ruined Twitter.
----------------------- OhNoSheTwitnt - 870
No pressure or anything but this might be a good time for any undercover superheroes to reveal themselves...
----------------------- Home_Halfway - 831
DETECTIVE: This victim was killed in Maccu Picchu but no one saw the killer
CHIEF: That means...
DET: No it really doesn't
CHIEF: I'm saying it
DET: *sigh*
CHIEF: ...he was Inca-gnito
DET: I sincerely hope he kills you next
----------------------- TheHyyyype - 574
ME: i love greek mythology
HER: same! my favorite thing about it is the morals and life lessons
ME: cool. i like when the gods bang humans
----------------------- LizHackett - 493
A friend said, "I've noticed you'll go, like, a week without tweeting," and I said, "That just means I'm happy."
----------------------- CornOnTheGoblin - 390
[texting] i just spent 200 dollars at the grocery store
wife: did you get milk
that's all i got
wife: seriously?
...
wife: answer your phone
----------------------- Home_Halfway - 374
AGENT: So in this movie you'll have a bullshit awful accent --
JOHNNY DEPP: WHERE DO I SIGN
----------------------- Brampersandon_ - 353
LAWYER: tell the court where u were the night of the murder
ME (pulling socks over my hands): i will reenact the night using these puppets instead
LAWYER: please dont
JUDGE (excitedly placing googly eyes onto my socks): im gonna allow it
----------------------- behindyourback - 233
If it weren't for Twitter how would I ever have known that my ex-husband's new wife was rt'ing my former friend who I now despise?
----------------------- daemonic3 - 219
NEW GF: I love that you offered to make dinner at your place, and that you feed your dog first
ME: [opening can of dog food] What dog?
----------------------- PaperWash - 200
I had a boner the entire time I watched Wonder Woman, you can only stare into Chris Pine's eyes for so long
----------------------- dave_cactus - 187
ME: I wish you'd go away.
HER: Do you mean that??
ME: That was auto correct.
ME: Extra word.
HER: Oh yeah? What word was extra?
ME: Auto.
----------------------- behindyourback - 178
I have a one-strike mute policy on Twitter and I'm trying to figure out the logistics of how to extend that to real life.
----------------------- Home_Halfway - 170
Well I wasn't going to make today my cheat day but seeing as the Apocalypse is nigh, I'm ordering that bacon cheeseburger.
----------------------- P_o_n_k - 167
[Military Base]
GUARD: Squad Leader do you copy
SQUAD LEADER: Go for Squad Leader
GOPHER SQUAD LEADER: What do you want
----------------------- LizHackett - 162
Natural disasters are when citizens of L.A. band together as one--
[sees neighbor leaf-blowing debris from his yard into mine]
Never mind.
----------------------- OhNoSheTwitnt - 156
Recap: The main dude is Maverick and he loses his Goose bc he was reckless and then a woman calls him out Pacific Rim is just Space Top Gun
----------------------- Home_Halfway - 155
Help us Obiwan Dennis Rodman, you're our only hope.
----------------------- Home_Halfway - 153
[Concert]
GARTH BROOKS: Hi folks, I'm Gorth Borks
CROWD: What
GB: Grath Bricks
CROWD: .....
GB: *1000 bees fly out of his mouth* GRISS BOOPS
----------------------- 3sunzzz - 146
*shows up at your scrapbooking party with fish stickers, zigzag scissors and no will to live*
----------------------- OhNoSheTwitnt - 141
I guess that would make Idris Elba Viper but no offense to Tom Skerritt but he was no Idris Elba
----------------------- Home_Halfway - 136
Every day is a challenge to not feel like a piece of shit in a world you're not trying to see as endless sadness.
----------------------- Home_Halfway - 134
[Kneels down, picks up a pinch of dirt, smells it, looks around] A recently-deleted twitter thread was here recently.
----------------------- behindyourback - 123
and he just milkshake ducked himself telling his date "you're doing what all women always do, women are awful, you're all like that"
----------------------- OhNoSheTwitnt - 122
Oh great now I have to go over to Instagram and start punching people huh?
----------------------- P_o_n_k - 122
He looks like he owns a katana.
----------------------- behindyourback - 113
keep feeling like everyone's going to tell me I don't really have imposter syndrome
----------------------- Brampersandon_ - 104
GAMESHOW HOST: describe your ideal date
WIFE: a romantic walk on the beach
GAMESHOW HOST: and now lets see what Brandon wrote
ME: *holds up a drawing of us eating a hot dog from opposite ends and meeting in the middle*
----------------------- PaperWash - 84
date: lets hold hands it's cute
me: I'm 32
----------------------- Robert_Beau - 79
Historically, people don’t like change in their icons, like when Dylan went electric, or when Woody Allen quit making comedies, or when Bruce Jenner got tits.
----------------------- awkwardlyours - 78
Instagram's the only time I'll let a 12 year old tell me what's sexy.
----------------------- TheHyyyype - 78
Believe the HYPE
Hello
You
People,
Eat shit
----------------------- SardonicTart - 77
I hope you get your tie caught in a shredder.
----------------------- awkwardlyours - 76
How much you wanna bet Kim Jong-Un was watching 'Look What You Made Me Do' when he fired the missile?
----------------------- daemonic3 - 75
ME: If a pirate took a selfie, would it be called a jpegleg?
COUPLES THERAPIST: [to my wife] Now your turn to share what's been bothering you lately
----------------------- Robert_Beau - 69
I wish these people in this line to see Santa would quit asking where my child is.
----------------------- notacroc - 68
Wife: *slams fists* you can't just use any brush to brush your teeth
Me: *puts down paintbrush* why are you so upset about this?
----------------------- Pundamentalism - 66
Hard to believe it’s only 34 days, 6 hours, 29 minutes and 57 seconds until the next Rain Man Appreciation Society meeting.
----------------------- rShowerThoughts - 64
As an introvert dating an introvert, a lot of our relationship revolves around asking the other person if they're OK. #Showerthoughts
----------------------- Home_Halfway - 58
Al Franken resigning would be another step forward in the fight against sexual abuse, absolutely. But don't forget to fucking BOMBARD the GOP about Roy Moore.
----------------------- awkwardlyours - 56
I am either hungry or hibernating.
----------------------- Robert_Beau - 54
I used to work with a guy named Dick Johnson ... he was redundant.
----------------------- behindyourback - 54
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS BULLSHIT
----------------------- behindyourback - 53
if I rt'd you, I'd be absolutely terrified of how many sincere replies you'd get :(
----------------------- behindyourback - 53
*unloading groceries & also somehow walking thru a field" "Sometimes keeping up with who I hate and why is hard... That's why I use Twitter"
----------------------- P_o_n_k - 51
[Operating Room]
ME: [through gas tube] So is there a Mr. Sthesiologist
ANESTHESIOLOGIST: *cranks the knob up to 11, knocking me out cold*
----------------------- OhNoSheTwitnt - 48
Not your best.
----------------------- Reverend_Scott - 48
SERIOUSLY, BEING A GHOST ISN'T ENOUGH FOR YOU? YOU GOTTA APPROPRIATE WITCH CULTURE TOO?
----------------------- Caissie - 44
Yes! You got me. And you are...
----------------------- Robert_Beau - 44
Wrong Number (Female):
Them: Hello?
Me: Hello?
Them: Who's this?
Me: Who's this?
Them:
Me:
Them:
M: What are you wearing?
----------------------- daemonic3 - 43
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is 'dammit'
"D-A-M-N-I-T"
JUDGE: Wrong! It's not 'damn nit', there's no N
"Damnit!"
JUDGE: What a dumby
----------------------- rShowerThoughts - 42
There are few things more frightening than pooping in a stranger's toilet, flushing, then watching the water begin to rise. #Showerthoughts
----------------------- rShowerThoughts - 41
More people would stop texting while driving if we told them that they could be the killers instead of the killed.
----------------------- daemonic3 - 40
BABY BEING BORN IN ADJACENT OB/GYN WING: Nice
----------------------- MarfSalvador - 40
Omelette you into a secret
Yes it is
----------------------- Pundamentalism - 40
The end is nigh. Or the beginning if someone is asking you how to spell 'night'.
----------------------- okimstillhungry - 39
PS4: $299 and you can play games and netflix.
Bachelors degree: $80,000 and neither games nor Netflix.
----------------------- P_o_n_k - 39
Mario Kart 8, Hai-Xin Senpai, Amy, Tedahawk, Sasuke, KFC Double Down, Mother...good night, babies.
----------------------- Caissie - 37
Look! My response to you got more hearts than you have actual followers! See? I can troll strangers like a pitiful ass too.
----------------------- rShowerThoughts - 37
If you go to an Ivy League school and take screenshots of every Tinder profile you come across, you'd have a lot of power down the road
----------------------- daemonic3 - 35
ME: Doing homework? I can help with math
SON: Really? I need to write the ratio of j to k
ME: j/k
SON: Fine, I'll figure it out myself
----------------------- SardonicTart - 34
I wish I would've had the guts to run away at 18 with $50 in my pocket.
----------------------- Caissie - 30
LOL, sweetie. I know it's embarrassing. Have a good night, love.
----------------------- OhNoSheTwitnt - 30
Game of Thrones theory: Paul Ryan is the Night King and wants everyone dead to create his army of wights.
----------------------- alyssalimp - 30
ME IN SUN: drink green juice!
ME IN SNOW: eat like I'm 8 months pregnant
----------------------- P_o_n_k - 29
HEALTH INSPECTOR: Can you show me to your cleaning supplies?
TACO BELL EMPLOYEE: What are those?
----------------------- AnOrangeSNES - 26
The family that prays together wastes their time together
----------------------- OhNoSheTwitnt - 25
Real talk because I'm getting sentimental here with my insane family, I fuckin love you, Jason.
----------------------- P_o_n_k - 25
I don't know if I'll come back, because I hate to see abuse and cyber-bullying win, but I promise this is the truth. To everyone who just wanted jokes, I'm sorry. You've been great.
----------------------- OhNoSheTwitnt - 24
If the shoe fits.
----------------------- HotPaperComics - 24
Dog's are the worlds greatest perfectionists.
They're the only species that looks at their poop and thinks 'Not good enough'. Then they eat it to do it again.
----------------------- OhNoSheTwitnt - 23
I simultaneously hate you and feel blessed to have a dickish big brother.
----------------------- hashtag_stacks - 22
Interviewer: How are you with excel?
Me: I can literally merge and center the FUCK out of any work sheet.
----------------------- PaperWash - 22
happy birthday u piece of shit @david8hughes it's probably not even still ur birthday in that godforsaken Narnia cuckfest Australia is it?
----------------------- Brainy_Bear - 20
(Office)
EMAIL: has anyone seen the hole punch?
REPLY ALL: check boss' desk. he pokes holes in everything
BOSS (just to me): come see me now
----------------------- Caissie - 18
Seems like psychosis!
----------------------- rShowerThoughts - 18
There should be a special kind of award for people who upload photos of menus to TripAdvisor. #Showerthoughts
----------------------- Home_Halfway - 17
I've never wanted to see someone pee on a president so much in my life
----------------------- Home_Halfway - 16
Please follow @KimmyMonte @iamspacegirl and @Caissie because they're wonderful, hilarious and incredible people I adore very much.
----------------------- Home_Halfway - 15
Shitting in your kitchen
----------------------- behindyourback - 14
I'll paint you a word pic: I'm watching a date at a coffeeshop. At first I thought she was his therapist, but no it's a date
----------------------- OhNoSheTwitnt - 14
I miss you
----------------------- SardonicTart - 14
Him: Can you set the table?
Me: *puts paper napkins and plastic silverware on patio table* Ok.
----------------------- SardonicTart - 13
*Shreds things just to annoy you*
----------------------- behindyourback - 12
I'm too scared. I can't handle anything else today
----------------------- behindyourback - 12
I don't know that store, Our Nation, did they drop Ivanka too?
----------------------- Brainy_Bear - 11
My 3 gravyest fears:
1. samwagravy (gravy sandwiches)
2. choking on gravy
3. death by angry samwagravy
----------------------- alyssalimp - 11
"Hey can I give you money & tell you my order because I don't feel like waiting in line" -something a girl in LA asked a man who said yes
----------------------- Caissie - 11
Wait, is the clay she eats raw or cooked? Because if she has to cook her own clay every day, that could explain the packed schedule.
----------------------- OhNoSheTwitnt - 11
Truth
----------------------- OhNoSheTwitnt - 11
He’s definitely in the top ten dudes who don’t deserve to be punched in the dick
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