297
----------------------- TheWeirdWorld - 6374
The people who are always telling you to talk more and saying “you’re so quiet!” Are the ones who never listen when you do finally talk.
----------------------- TheWeirdWorld - 5350
You either quit as Spongebob, or you work there long enough to see yourself become a Squidward.
----------------------- TheWeirdWorld - 4620
I’m always in a rush to get home to do absolutely nothing.
----------------------- brendohare - 3110
I find a notebook on the street. In it contains just one sentence: “Earmuffs that can play music?” When I look on the inside cover to see if the owner left their contact information, do you know whose name I see? None other than Elon Musk…wow...
----------------------- LizHackett - 2385
I took my dog out in the pouring rain and he looked up and spoke his first words. They were: "Your capacity to disappoint me is limitless."
----------------------- AdamBroud - 1457
Hey ladies, you think DATING men is hard? Well try BEING a man. It is MUCH easier and I HIGHLY recommend it
----------------------- DanMentos - 1027
ME: son we need to talk
SON:
ME: I just read about a disturbing new teen trend
SON:
ME: it’s very serious
SON:
ME: I want to make sure you’re not involved
SON:
ME: it’s called “ghosting”
SON:
----------------------- bornmiserable - 717
CHER: if I could reach the stars, I’d give them all to you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: you literally cannot do that
----------------------- panmidwest - 487
HER: how were the holidays at home
ME: i spent every waking moment loudly and slowly repeating something one of my parents said so that my other parent could understand them
----------------------- funflaps - 284
[me, migrating the wrong way]
⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀ོ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀ ⠀⠀⠀ོ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ོ
⠀⠀ོ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ོ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ོ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ོ
----------------------- UnFitz - 265
I really enjoyed your post
mortem.
----------------------- donni - 181
Sorry, I’m going to be a little late. I wanted to be much later
----------------------- awkwardlyours - 166
I just used a piece of bread to take off my lipstick because I'm like, totally fine you guys.
----------------------- behindyourback - 137
the democrats also shut down this party I'm throwing that I didn't invite them to but somehow no one showed up for
----------------------- SardonicTart - 134
I just want to be rich enough to stomp out of a meeting.
----------------------- donni - 131
“Saying stuff is fun!” they said, grinning
----------------------- behindyourback - 126
Best detail of this horror story is the gross male confidence that before his wife even touched the rigged door, he changed his fb status to “widowed” (his wife lived)
----------------------- TheAlexNevil - 121
8: Why is that guy doing that?
*during every movie, at the exact moment that guy is explaining why he’s doing that
----------------------- fro_vo - 115
hard to believe it’s the 2017th day of the year already
----------------------- House_Feminist - 95
Good New Year’s Eve party:
everyone yells woooo! and uses those little poppers that spit out confetti at midnight
Great New Year’s Eve party:
everyone just jerks off until they cum as auld lang syne starts blasting
----------------------- behindyourback - 91
Hello, everything is the worst but also @toddbarry's special Spicy Honey is hilarious. Thank you.
----------------------- Home_Halfway - 84
"Every house has a garage door, but they never open, and children stand outside of them, screaming endlessly. A woman in a corner pets firewood, never opening her eyes. Nearby, a lifeless old man dreams of a better way."
~ David Lynch's version of the Aristocrats joke
----------------------- fro_vo - 83
DATE: ugh i hate doing laundry
ME: haha me too *discretely spits tide pod into napkin*
----------------------- PaperWash - 67
no one wasted their career more than The Rock by not having a cooking show
----------------------- SardonicTart - 67
My hair grew six inches driving home in this blizzard.
----------------------- House_Feminist - 67
I feel kinda bad tweeting this bc I know that for me twitter is special bc of the friendships I’ve made and I don’t want to seem down on people pursuing friendship. but it’s a bummer when my stupid tweets are all I can offer and aren’t enough. Please love me unconditionally thx
----------------------- famousquotenet - 63
The power of the Executive to cast a man in prison without formulating any charge known to the law, and particularly to deny him the judgment of his peers is in the highest degree odious and is the foundation of all totalitarian government. - Winston Churchill
----------------------- famousquotenet - 63
Talkers are usually more articulate than doers, since talk is their specialty. - Thomas Sowell
----------------------- SardonicTart - 63
"Allow me to play for you the song of my people"
*sound of six grocery bags being dropped*
----------------------- maisonshouting - 56
[my finger hovering over the tweet button about to tweet about how sexually arousing peeled hard boiled eggs are when I know good and well people from irl follow me] let them never say I didn’t have courage
----------------------- rShowerThoughts - 53
Monday the 13th sounds much worse than Friday the 13th. #Showerthoughts
----------------------- famousquotenet - 51
The 4th Amendment and the personal rights it secures have a long history. At the very core stands the right of a man to retreat into his own home and there be free from unreasonable governmental intrusion. - Justice Potter Stewart
----------------------- ElleOhHell - 50
Attention pizza places with the big weird sausage: everyone hates you
----------------------- _Famouss_Quotes - 49
I have just three things to teach: simplicity, patience, compassion. These three are your greatest treasures. -Lao Tzu
----------------------- donni - 47
Love me now or love me later when I’m an adorable 83 year old. The choice is yours
----------------------- House_Feminist - 47
I have been informed this also happens to men so I guess this is just a being a person online thing
----------------------- Robert_Beau - 46
I like women that leave something to the imagination, like a background check.
----------------------- funflaps - 44
COP: Just the facts, ma'am
BRUCE WILLIS: Just the fax, ma'am
GANDALF: Just the Shadowfax, ma'am
----------------------- famousquotenet - 43
Mystical references to "society" and its programs to "help" may warm the hearts of the gullible but what it really means is putting more power in the hands of bureaucrats. - Thomas Sowell
----------------------- TheAlexNevil - 42
*commercial
*a mom puts Tide pod in kid's lunch box
(To camera) "My son loves the cool colors, and I love that I'm giving my child the nutrition he needs!"
----------------------- _Famouss_Quotes - 39
The best way to get approval is not to need it. -Hugh Macleod
----------------------- OhNoSheTwitnt - 38
I got a perfect score on my LSAT. Then I dropped out of law school in my second year.
----------------------- OhNoSheTwitnt - 38
I called his jizz Cruz Ooze once bc I am a monster
----------------------- famousquotenet - 38
It is madness for sheep to talk peace with a wolf. - Thomas Fuller
----------------------- famousquotenet - 36
Labor disgraces no man; unfortunately, you occasionally find men who disgrace labor. - Ulysses S. Grant
----------------------- rShowerThoughts - 36
Taking candy from a baby is actually a responsible thing to do. #Showerthoughts
----------------------- famousquotenet - 33
There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. - P.J. O'Rourke
----------------------- _Famouss_Quotes - 32
Am I judging people as much as I can based on not the color of their skin but the content of their character? -Barack Obama
----------------------- donni - 32
*pretends to hate working while secretly relieved to avoid social obligations*
----------------------- _Famouss_Quotes - 31
Happiness is an attitude. We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same. -Francesca Reigler