27.

I knew I was late, maybe a part of me wanted to stay home, I was telling myself all sort of things, reasons to turn around, procrastinate, lash out, excuses upon excuses, but for some reason..my legs kept going. Pressed buttons with my elbow and eventually stood by the door, hoping there could be one final excuse to change my mind. There was none. So I stepped in. Of course my lateness was my last resort, blame it on taxi situations, the road, a relative passed away, something to gain me enough pity so I go back to my space and breath. Why am I like this? It was a question that grew louder over time.

“It’s okay, they just got in, maybe 20 minutes since they started” she said. “Just apologize and go in.”

But I made sure I was at least an hour late..I said to myself, but the actual words that came out were “Oh that’s good, thanks.”

“Ah you made it, What do you guys think his punishment should be? ”

“Let him sing.” someone said looking right at me.

Let me sing? When have I ever offered to do so? I shook my head in a playful dismay, hiding just how uncomfortable that made me.

“Okay then, each of you ask him a question.” I assumed it was another punishment to condition me to let me know that my tardiness will not be rewarded. Until I heard the first question.

“Why are you here?” It was the same person.

I answered. The others followed until I felt less...uncomfortable but not enough to compete with the fact that I wanted to run back into my cave, at least there, no one else exists except… .

The last one made me wonder. It was not because the question was hard..or surprising for that matter but my answer was calculated and automatic beyond my own will and expectation.

“What do you do in your spare time?”

Umm well lets see.. I don't really have one. I have led a life where my so called “spare time” and work time were codependent. They help each other, I dabble with creative work so my mind is never at a resting state, with the anxiety I still don’t understand, I can’t afford to not think ahead. I guess maybe your question should be more focused and directed towards my actions when I’m solely in the present, Which in my case has never seemed to work because I don't really know the amount of steps I should take back to actually be in the present and just wind up in the past full of what ifs and if onlys so basically I just go back and forth until I settle to a less demanding place to be to finally “rest”. Either that or I’m constantly running from rest by the means of entertainment. Yes I find that to be ironic to its core. To be honest, I am terrified of enjoying a moment, there is just a lot to consider, factors that can easily ruin this fragile moment including myself regardless of how much you think you're in charge and its not like I have not tried, It just makes things worse or maybe I have not fought to the very last battle to make this moment truly mine. So my only way out as far as I know is to create. What ever it may be, create a world through the reflections of my own, with the slightest detains that can allow me to feel comfortable to live in, of course my real battle is making sure that world is not self centered, meaning I try to make every one happy which can not be...possible. So like I said...between going back and forth with questions I can’t answer and the ones that I can, but really can not say them out loud for validation because it’s not the right time, I stay quiet, with the frightening inclination to push people away and the growing fear of hurting others.

But then I realized I haven't said a word and all that was in my head in that brief moment where they were waiting for an answer but still had to answer the question so I jumped out of my mind to only hear my own voice say..

“I sleep in my spare time.”...every one smiled.