11:09

you half-expected this don't lie. you already know I'm really bad at goodbyes. we have to uno mas. and me writing you when I'm not supposed is tradition. so shh.

walnut !! aaaaaaa walnut !! as I send this to you, it's 11:09 pm. you said I was allowed to bother you on your birthday and guess what? it's your birthday everyday. so I guess I'll be here every- jk. but I've thought about you all day long, walnut. and the only way I've been able to tell myself that I'd be ok today was if I'd get to write about you (and write to you) one last time.

walnut, you're one of the most true people that I have ever met. I admire this about you. I've said this before. you are genuine and authentic. I think that's what always made me feel safe around you. what made it easy to trust you. there's no fake in you. no matter how much I've teased you about it. and that's what makes time with walnut feel so comfortable and familiar. I always knew that the walnut I talked to yesterday would be the same as the walnut I talked to tomorrow. we're all allowed to have ups and downs of course, but you always treated me with the same care and love every day that I spent with you. and your care and love for others is as real as you are. you appreciate and love others fully, walnut. in everything that you did, you showed me how loving and kind you are. you always tried to understand me. you made time for me. you were there for me when I needed you. and you found so many ways to make me happy.

I've also always looked up to how you're able to understand your own feelings, walnut. you were always able to tell me what you felt. even if not right away, you would tell me. whether it was a difficult feeling, or a happy one. but no matter how you felt, walnut, you always made me feel important too.

I want to tell you one more thing about you, but I don't quite know how to describe it. the closest I can come to putting it to words is that you made me feel warmth, walnut. and I've always felt this way in your company. it's one of my favourite parts about you. and my memory of walnut will always feel warm because of this. I can write many more words about you, and this is nowhere near an exhaustive list, but I wanted you to know that you're so wonderful, walnut. and anyone, including me, is so very fortunate to have had you in their life.

ok that's enough of emotional soda. now I want to talk about the more silly things that make my walnut, my walnut. how happy chicken nuggets make you. your love for animals, and animal crossing. that you would take a photo of smol sneak-in mouse or make more than 149 attempts to find your favourite villager. when you'd laugh at typoes we would make. how you would tell me things that happened- knowing full well that I would bully you about them. your undying devotion to kyven. how, at times, you couldn't be affectionate without 'uwu' or tyPING liKE tHIS. when you'd get defensive about silly things sldkfjls like penne pasta or blonde pixel hair. jhgkjkj. am messing with you with some of these, but I really adore all of these little things about you, walnut.

the only thing I have felt today is how much I miss you. every time I looked at my phone. I cried as I watched the sky. even when I went to brush my teeth, I thought of you and your cool black toothbrush. I couldn't even get myself to wash my empty hot chocolate mug from last night. I thought of you when I opened my fridge to see eggs. I thought of you when I couldn't do anything but stay in bed. for hours. and I'm thinking of you right now as I write this. and writing about you, has made me feel better. even when you're not here, you've been able to comfort me. that's my walnut.

you said I may never meet someone as amazing as you, and there's truth in that. in all these words, what I'm trying to tell you is that you're lovely, walnut. inside-out. and in every way you can imagine. I've said it before, there's no one else quite like you. you deserve happiness and love that's able to fill the skies and the oceans and then some. and I will never forget you, walnut. no matter what. you'll always stay with me.