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Ever since I was small. I remember the vivid thought of me not wanting to be "there". In fact I didn't want to be anywhere. Everyone kept saying when you find your people you will get over it. But that thought still continued through elementary, middle school, high school, and college. I kept telling myself I would be happy one day but that day just doesn't come. I never thought I would be alive past 18 years old but I had never considered killing myself. I am too much of a coward to live my own life or take it. So, I am just at a stand still. Standing here. Just waiting that one day I just go to sleep and don't wake up. I have tried to drown myself with hobbies but it just doesn't work. I did everything that therapy and people ask of me. But I just can't. I just wonder when it will all end. I find it pathetic quite frankly that I keep looking up to the sky wondering and hoping for someone, anyone to rescue me. No one is coming. No one. That four year old little girl is left waiting because no one will come. I want to rescue her but I am too quite quite frankly. I just want to lay in bed and wallow in my misery. I don't like it here. That voice echoes through my head a lot I wonder. I wonder when the last straw will occur.